No one is watching 'Cocaine Bear' for the true crime drama. We're here for sheer absurdity

You know it’s coming, and sure enough, at some point in the movie someone delivers the money line:

“A bear did cocaine!”

The movie is called “Cocaine Bear.” What else are they going to say? That line also serves as the basic plot of the much-buzzed-about film, which is loosely based on a real-life incident that occurred in the 1980s in Tennessee.

It’s stupid by design, but it’s not stupid enough.

Director Elizabeth Banks, working from an all-over-the-place script by Jimmy Warden, can’t decide if the film is a dark comedy, a gross-out comedy, a crime drama or an out-and-out horror film. So she just makes it a little bit of all of them.

It plays like an idea in search of a film — desperately in search of — and never quite finding it.

Best movie of 2023 so far?'Linoleum,' a low-budget stunner that plays with time, memory

Is 'Cocaine Bear' a true story?

The film begins with a scene close to what really happened: A narcotics officer turned drug smuggler (Matthew Rhys) is flying a plane full of cocaine. He ditches the drugs, tossing bags of cocaine over a national forest before jumping out himself. That last bit doesn’t go so well.

A bear finds one of the bricks of cocaine and eats it. And promptly goes wild, rampaging through the forest looking for more blow, ripping apart the occasional hiker along the way. (The violence is gratuitous, by design — so over-the-top it’s funny. In theory, anyway.)

An impressive cast winds up in the woods for various reasons. Sari (Keri Russell) is looking for her daughter (Brooklynn Prince) and her friend (Christian Convery), who have skipped school. A drug lord (Ray Liotta, in one of his last roles) dispatches his son Eddie (Alden Ehrenreich) and his right-hand man Daveed (O’Shea Jackson Jr.) to find the cocaine. Bob (Isiah Whitlock Jr.) has been chasing after the drug operation for years, so he joins in. A bunch of marauding nitwit teenagers gets involved with the drug dealers, as well (Aaron Holliday makes the biggest impression). Finally, the park ranger (Margo Martindale, as welcome in anything as free ice cream) is trying to impress an animal-rights activist (Jesse Tyler Ferguson).

There is a lot going on in these woods, almost none of it savory.

At the center of it all, of course, is the bear, amped to the gills, showing up at the most inopportune times (or most opportune, from the bear’s perspective). The attacks are fairly random; a general lack of intelligence on the part of several people does not increase their odds of survival. If a coked-up bear is smarter than you are, maybe the middle of a forest is not the best place for you.

It's fair to say that liberties were taken with the facts of the story. Many liberties.

How much cocaine did Cocaine Bear actually ingest?

For instance, in real life, things did not go well for the bear after ingesting 3 or 4 grams of cocaine. In the movie it's never specified exactly how much the bear consumes. But it's a lot. A whole lot. And, as seems to be the case with cocaine, it's never enough. But it was enough to kill the bear. At least in real life.

'Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey':A demented disappointment, with one truly scary bit

Did Cocaine Bear kill anyone?

There are some genuinely funny bits in the film, like what happens when the bear crashes for a bit. Whitlock’s delivery remains razor sharp. Liotta is appropriately threatening. Russell has a couple of good lines. (“I’m a nurse, Henry,” may not sound like much out of context, but it works.)

The violence is of the slasher-film gore variety; severed limbs are the order of the day. One scene involving the kids will doubtless gin up some faux outrage.

Please. Spare me. You're watching a movie called “Cocaine Bear.” Your sense of propriety is already suspect. Just enjoy it.

It's not a documentary, so all the liberties are forgivable. The random plot line is not.

'Cocaine Bear' is as ridiculous as it sounds. And the director should have leaned into that

The film bogs down when Banks tries to make it all about more than what it is, which is, well, see the title.

A movie like this need not be grounded in any sort of genuine emotion or reality, even — particularly when the emotion doesn’t feel earned. If that sounds like setting the lowest common denominator as a goal, well, again — think about what you’re watching.

It’s great when the bear launches itself through the air to reach the back of a speeding ambulance. It’s less great when Ehrenreich’s Eddie works out an existential crisis.

Absurdity is what we came for, and “Cocaine Bear” could use even more of it.

Greg Schulte is signing off:Here's when the voice of the Arizona Diamondbacks is saying goodbye

'Cocaine Bear' 2.5 stars

Director: Elizabeth Banks.

Cast: Ray Liotta, Keri Russell, Margo Martindale.

Rating: R for bloody violence and gore, drug content and language throughout.

How to watch: In theaters Friday, Feb. 24.

Reach Goodykoontz at bill.goodykoontz@arizonarepublic.com. Facebook: facebook.com/GoodyOnFilm. Twitter: @goodyk.

Subscribe to azcentral.com today. What are you waiting for?

This article originally appeared on Arizona Republic: Movie review: 'Cocaine Bear' 2023 with Ray Liotta isn't crazy enough