No Wheat For Me Please: The Trials Of Having A D*Head Food Intolerance
[Photo: Martha Stewart]
A lot of people think wheat sensitivity is total BS. Try telling that to the person pooping water from their butthole.
I discovered my beef with wheat over 2 years ago. I went to the docs and complained about constant fatigue, bloating and a growing reputation for extended toilet breaks. “You’re bloods reveal no allergies,” said the doc. “Perhaps I could interest you in a tube of hydrocortisone? Only £7.85 on the NHS.”*
I left dissatisfied. My symptoms were real but couldn’t be accounted for. I hit up google for a second opinion. It came back with 3 types of cancer and a parasitic twin. I chose the twin option. I’d always dreamed of having one. When I was a child I would lace my tiny fingers together, squeeze my eyes shut and pray. Pleeeeeeease, pleeeeeease let me be a twin!
What kind of f***ed up cosmic ordering was this?!
My belly was swelling so much my boyfriend would go white and whisper: “Are you…umm…are you…pregnant?”
[Image: James G Mundie]
One night at a work dinner I quaffed some wine and confided in a colleague that I had a parasitic twin and/or cancer. He stared at the steaming bowl of carbonara in front of me before suggesting I try cutting out wheat “just to see”. He’d experienced similar symptoms and through a process of elimination discovered a connection between them and wheat-based products.
“Cut out wheat? The pastime of d**ks! No thanks.” said my red wine mouth. I continued defiantly on my mostly bread and pasta based diet. Normal bowl movements became a distant memory. My frustration and discomfort grew and grew until one day, all I wanted in the whole world, was to birth to a normal poop.
Reluctantly I took my colleagues advice. It was damn hard at first but it got easier. And guess what? Perfect poops. Every time.
Wheat sensitivity differs from coeliacs disease. It’s not life threatening but symptoms can be unpleasant: abdominal discomfort, nausea, diarrhea tiredness and bloating to name a few.
Unfortunately those who ‘cry’ wheat sensitivity are labelled as difficult d*heads. As if foregoing many delicious foods in order to feel physically better wasn’t tough enough.
While there’s no doubt many of those d*heads do exist, for some the struggle is very real. Those of us who’ve abstained for a number of years can attest to the snubs and challenges our lifestyle choices bring, such as:
People will say: “you didn’t used to be ‘allergic’”.
Nope, I didn’t always poop water from my butthole every time I ate bread or pasta either. Life’s weird.
Infuriatingly they will also ask: “Why are you doing this to yourself?”
Less of a choice, my friend, more of a necessity. Poop - water - butthole. Do you see the connection?
Being judged.
People will judge you. They think because a doctor hasn’t officially given you a diagnosis that you’re following a fad, a trend. I confess, I too passed judgement. I was pretty vocal about my own distain. “People need to stop slagging off bread!” I would tweet and update angrily. But if someone simply “feels better” after eliminating wheat from their diet, who’re any of us to criticise? I speak with the hindsight of a healthy gut here. Like clockwork, pal. That’s all I’m saying.
Some friends and family refuse to take us seriously.
They completely ignore it and serve you pizza like they “forgot”. Perhaps it did genuinely slip their mind but that grows increasingly more difficult to believe after the fifth time.
Plus
That one time you ate the damn pizza…
…and now they’re all like “well, you ate it before.” Well yes, we did, but put yourselves in our shoes for a moment. You’re in a room full of people about to eat a meal. Everyone’s sat with their plates in front of them. One of those people will poop water and feel unwell after eating the meal you’ve cooked. Is that person going to announce this fact to the room? Are they going to be rude and disruptive and reject a meal that’s been generously cooked for them?
Honestly, we don’t mind bringing alternatives if you can’t cater for us but wilfully refusing to acknowledge it minimises the real suffering we go through and sticks two massive fingers up at our lifestyle choices. It’s just plain mean.
Going wheat free really really sucks (at first).
You have to completely rethink the way you eat and kiss goodbye to a lot of delicious food and not just bread and pasta. It’s in everything. The good news is, once you get your head round the shortcuts and substitutes it gets a lot easier. When the alternative is going back to feeling rubbish it’s a no brainer really.
Substitutes are the worst.
Well a lot of them anyway. They’re also full of sugar to disguise the taste of expensive disappointment. The sooner you face the reality that ‘like for like’ doesn’t exist, the happier you’ll be. Hot buttered toast in your mouth is but a fleeting thing. Good poops are 4 eva.
Stay strong
Just remember, the pros outweigh the cons every time. Hold on to your dreams of perfect poops.
*She didn’t say that last bit. Prescription prices have also risen since the time of that one fictional sentence.
