It’s not big and it’s not clever but we should all laugh at Germany

The Gareth Southgate England era has reached its Brexit stage, when each side of the debate is entrenched, blinkered and furious. To some, he is the country’s most successful manager since Alf Ramsey. To others, a cagey bottler squandering a platinum generation.

Both sides have a point but one largely overlooked motivation for the latter camp is boredom. This is understandable after three tournaments and seven years, a longer reign than any Premier League manager bar Jürgen Klopp and Pep Guardiola. Perhaps Southgate’s detractors would prefer the current German omnishambles. The economic miracle is wavering and a fragile coalition government is navigating a budget crisis. Most deliciously, the football team are a mess.

A 2-0 defeat by Austria this week was the capper to a dreadful year of 11 games played with three wins and six defeats. Neu Deutschland are dysfunctional like England in the 2000s, with worse players. Leroy Sane is getting sent off for petulance. Kai Havertz is playing at left wing-back. Mats Hummels is still in the team. Does this not add some context to England’s major current worry: can Trent Alexander-Arnold cut it in midfield?

This was supposed to be Germany’s renewal phase after the double-dip turmoil of consecutive World Cup group-stage exits. Add defeat by England in the first knockout round of the European Championship in 2021 and you have the longest downturn for the national team since reunification. How does such a sturdy footballing nation end up in this state, staggering into its own tournament? Forget about schadenfreude, what is the translation for “root-and-branch review”?

Hansi Flick inherited the team from Joachim Low in 2021 and tried a younger core. He was bombed out, understandably, after a 4-1 defeat by Japan. Julian Nagelsmann was appointed his replacement after the one high point of Germany’s year, a 2-1 win against France when between managers. He has returned to more experienced names but they have managed only one win in his four games.

This is a manager whose recent stock was so high he was routinely linked with major Premier League vacancies. Now he is losing to Ralf Rangnick’s Austria. Yes, that Ralf Rangnick, whose Manchester United reign included defeats by Bruno Lage’s Wolves, Patrick Vieira’s Crystal Palace and Frank Lampard’s Everton. Already, like people who hate long war films, Nagelsmann must fear Das Boot.

It is the manner of Germany’s defeats causing concern. Not tactical failings or selection issues, more the lack of mettle. “You could rely on two things: The VW Beetle runs, runs, runs. And in the end Germany always wins,” Walter M Straten wrote in Bild. “The national football team is the reflection of a society that has become too full, too comfortable.” Crikey.

“The national team has been in crisis since 2018, and Julian Nagelsmann is now the third national coach who cannot free himself from the downward spiral,” Süddeutsche Zeitung said. “The first step is already missing: awareness of the seriousness of the situation.”

Even their opponents are poking fun. There was an accusation in Austria that Nagelsmann ordered goalkeeper Kevin Trapp to fake an injury so the manager could pass on extra instructions. “That’s pathetic,” Austrian commentator Thomas König said. “I’m not doing that as a German national team.”

It is now a long wait until their next game in March. There is still time to turn it around, home support is key at tournaments and perhaps the old DNA will flicker to life in the face of criticism. What seems more likely at the moment is ignominy and embarrassment.

If you find yourself tiring of Southgate’s England and the narrative around it, turn your attention instead to Germany. Because a nation can only heal its divisions when rallying around something that unites us: laughing at the misfortune of Germany’s national team.

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