It's not me, it's EU: Inside the Brussels dinner date to seal the divorce

“Keep distance!”, the European Commission President ordered Boris Johnson, reminding him to respect her coronavirus rules.

The Prime Minister had no problem with distance. His issue was that the EU continued to try to hug Britain too close, tying it into EU rules beyond Brexit.

That is what had brought Mr Johnson back to Brussels, his old stomping ground as a boy and later as a Telegraph correspondent, for showdown Brexit talks.

He arrived in a police cavalcade in the black Jaguar usually reserved for Britain’s ambassador to the EU. He was swept into the VIP back entrance of commission headquarters just before 8pm local time.

The Union flag fluttered outside the commission’s Berlaymont headquarters for the first time this year, outnumbered by 27 EU flags, one for each remaining member state.

Ursula von der Leyen, the European Commission President, was waiting to meet Mr Johnson in person for just the second time.

It wasn’t just the rules on subsidies and tax she was insisting on, Mrs von der Leyen was adamant the commission’s coronavirus measures had to be observed to the letter as well.  The mother of seven gave Mr Johnson permission to unmask for press photos.

A few seconds later she told him: “Now we must put them back on again”.

“You run a tight ship here Ursula,” the admonished Mr Johnson said, “and quite right too.”

“Allons-y,” Mrs von der Leyen responded. The Prime Minister did what he was told and followed her up to the 13th floor of the Berlaymont.

“She was steely wasn’t she,” one EU official remarked admiringly.

In Germany, where she was defence minister, Mrs von der Leyen was called “Shotgun Uschi”, a nasty nickname for an assertive woman.

Was she about to give Mr Johnson both barrels? Or would she, as one senior EU diplomat had suggested earlier that day, use her “charms to woo” the PM into compromise?

Mrs von der Leyen is the first European Commission president to live in the Berlaymont, a 1960’s modernist building that Mr Johnson once reported would be blown up because of its asbestos problem.

Her offices are on the 13th floor, which boasts its own restaurant specifically for the purposes of entertaining visiting heads of state and government.

It was the only restaurant in Brussels, a city still groaning under a strict lockdown, not reduced to take-out meals.

Michel Barnier and David Frost posed alongside their bosses for a second socially distanced photograph. The results were not kind.

Mr Johnson and Lord Frost looked like a pair of Billy Bunters compared to the petite and immaculately turned out Mrs von der Leyen and the towering and stylish Mr Barnier.

“It is not our fault,” one British official said, surveying the mockery on social media, “Brexit is making us all fat”.

After an hour’s talks, there was more eating to be done. But the silver service three course-meal would be a more polished affair than the takeout burgers and pizzas served up to the negotiators.

The five Britons and their five EU counterparts took their seats in the “salon de convivialité”, at a table marked out to ensure social distancing rules were respected.

Predictably, fish was on the menu. Fishing rights in UK waters after Brexit have been the other major issue stopping a trade deal being struck since March.

A pumpkin soup and scallop starter was followed by steamed turbot and mashed potatoes with wasabi and vegetables. Pudding was pavlova with exotic fruit and coconut sorbet.

A “frank” discussion about the “significant obstacles” was had. Later, Mrs von der Leyen said the talks were “lively and interesting”.

EU officials refused to say whether that was good or bad.

After dinner, they moved to Mrs von der Leyen’s office. After a total of three hours wrangling over sovereignty and promises of fair competition, they gave up.

“We understand each other’s positions,” Mrs von der Leyen said, “they remain far apart.”

Mr Johnson was spirited away into the night and back to Britain. There was no joint UK-EU statement, which was taken as a sign negotiations had gone badly.

But the leaders had agreed on the need for more talks, which needed to resume as soon as possible.

Mr Johnson and Mrs von der Leyen will review progress on Sunday, the latest target date in a process littered with missed and discarded deadlines.

On Thursday morning, the European Commission launched its emergency no-deal plans. At the same time, a Eurostar full of British officials was steaming towards Brussels for a four-day sprint of four talks.

Just another leg in these seemingly never-ending negotiations.