Notes from hell: Reader mail on political flotillas, garbage mountains, and gay trails
It’s time again to respond to some of the correspondence I receive from readers.
Notes from Hell, Volume No. 105:
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"I was driving on the turnpike the other day and started laughing with my girlfriend. I mentioned the only thing missing in Florida is a ski resort.
"Then suddenly I noticed this big mountain being born on the side of the turnpike which I euphemistically dubbed “Poop mountain.”
"Then as we continued our drive I saw a few more, and stated that we are growing the Rockies here."
— Glenn
Hi Glenn:
Yes, the clandestine ski resort effort in Florida is progressing nicely.
As our state population creeps closer to 30 million people, others will begin to notice the transformation of a once-flat state into a garbage-mountainous region of the country.
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"We saw the DeSantis flotilla out on the water a few days ago and thought: What happens if / when the Trump flotilla confronts the DeSantis flotilla?"
— Howard B.
Dear Howard:
My guess is a collision followed by a race to the bottom. And somehow, George Soros, Hillary Clinton or Hunter Biden’s laptop will be blamed.
Wanted: More manufactured menace to justify Florida black bear shooting in Royal Palm Beach
And: Something's fishy about Florida muzzling a pediatrician advocating for COVID-19 vaccines | Cerabino
In case you missed it: New law renews power of police to ticket Florida drivers for "rhythmic bass" sound from stereo | Cerabino
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“Your an uneducated vaxxer.”
“This is what is wrong with our country, people like you thinking healthy unvaccinated people are a threat to you and your narrow minded side.
“I’m taking my unvaccinated family to live in Florida. I hope I end up right next to you, Frank.
“We only have one life and you sure are not making the most of it. Spread love not hate.”
— Evan D.
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Dear Evan:
First of all, congratulations. I’m assuming this was a parody. Calling me uneducated while screwing up the first word (“you’re”, not “your”) was brilliant.
And then culminating in a spread love, not hate, message during a time when selfishly spreading an airborne disease is the issue, was inspired.
I do hope you continue spreading your comedic talent during your one life to live.
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“As I drive up I-95, I pass under the bridge proclaiming the Trans Florida Central Railroad Trail.
“I am astounded that Gov. DeSantis has not yet issued an executive order to rename this the Cis Hetero Florida Central Definitely Straight Railroad Trail.”
— Bruce R.
Hi Bruce:
I prefer calling the central railroad trail the Trans Florida CRT.
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“If the US is headed toward a total ban on abortions, there might be a ray of hope for the cruise industry.
“Why not remodel some of the casinos on the day-sailing cruise ships as clinics for women who want to avoid an ‘illegal’ operation by traveling outside the US territorial waters, where no jurisdiction can prevent the procedure? It works for casino gambling.
“Spouses or partners can enjoy the other shipboard activities in the meantime before heading back to port. Now that I think of it, the jogging tracks on the upper decks could be re-purposed for greyhound racing."
— Charles G.
Dear Charles:
If somebody challenged me to connect abortion and greyhound racing in 100 words or less, I would have said it couldn’t be done. But you have.
That’s quite a feat.
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“What an a—--- you are.
“Sure hope you don’t get run over by drunk illegal aliens right after your grandchildren get Disneyfied and turn into gay trannys.”
— BT
Dear BT:
OK, I see the game you’re playing. I’ll play along.
What a (insert expletive of your choice) you are.
I sure hope your diploma from Trump University arrives before you get accidentally vaccinated during a Meal Team Six treason meeting in a Hobby Lobby parking lot where the Q-Anon faithful await the arrival of JFK Jr., the My Pillow Guy, and a trunk full of AR-15s.
How’s that?
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"Please move somewhere else other than Florida if you do not agree with Gov. DeSantis. People with your views are the reason we have to pass these laws.
"It is not that we are against gay people or pride month, it is that we are against it being forced upon children. Stop the hate and misinformation you are providing."
— A concerned citizen
Dear concerned citizen:
My wife and I have raised three children to adulthood in Florida, and we began doing it when Ron DeSantis was a 5-year-old kid and the governor was Bob Graham.
Graham, by the way, somehow managed to lead Florida for eight years without creating a constant stream of self-serving and divisive grievances against public schools and universities, Black history, public health, gay rights, and the free press.
Imagine that. I know. Hard to believe.
But the idea that Florida equals DeSantis, well, that’s a pretty myopic view. Like judging a rock band by its worst album.
Frank Cerabino is a columnist at the Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at fcerabino@gannett.com. Help support our journalism. Subscribe today.
This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Palm Beach Post reader mail to columnist Frank Cerabino.
