How OCD can destroy relationships: ‘I had the obsessive fear that I might cheat’
Zachary James remembers the exact moment that his first intrusive thought lodged itself in his mind. He was 19 and working in a store when a “creepy man” entered the children’s clothing section. “A very human conversation started among me and my friends, discussing the psychology of someone who is a sexual predator. And my head said: ‘What if you’re a predator too?’” The question sent him on a frightening spiral in which he interrogated his identity and all his past experiences.
“The onslaught of graphic intrusive thoughts that followed left me paralysed. I vividly remember crying in my shower before work because I was that terrified that I was going to cause harm to someone, based on no evidence at all – other than these gross thoughts telling me I was a monster,” he says.
The obsessive thoughts preoccupied his waking hours and caused him intense anxiety, but James kept them to himself, outwardly living a normal life. He carried on socialising, going out clubbing with friends and distracting himself with party drugs – eventually becoming dependent – unaware that he was suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder. When he began self-harming, he knew he needed help.
OCD is a severe condition that affects around one to two per cent of the population. People who have it can experience intensely negative, repetitive and intrusive thoughts, combined with a chronic feeling of doubt or danger. They can focus on contamination, homo or heterosexuality, paedophilia, harming to others or the self, or a number of other themes, according to charity OCD Action. In order to quell the thought or quieten the anxiety, sufferers will often repeat compulsions. The footballer David Beckham talks about his struggle with the condition in a Netflix documentary, to be released later this year. Beckham explains how he stays up late tidying after his family have gone to bed, adding: “I clean it so well, I’m not sure it’s actually appreciated so much by my wife, in all honesty.” He cleans every candle after it has been used, meticulously clipping the wick and cleaning the glass container, a habit he describes as “weird and tiring”. The documentary also shows David telling Victoria off for failing to put the salt away.
Leigh Wallbank, CEO of OCD Action, says the disorder is “heavily trivialised and frequently portrayed as a ‘quirk’; a desire to align objects neatly, a passion for cleaning, and so on. In reality, nobody who lives with OCD derives any enjoyment from performing compulsions. We hear from many people who describe their compulsions as exhausting, even torturous. Common obsessions can be grouped into ‘themes’ like identity, contamination, sexuality, relationships and morality, but it’s important to note that intrusive thoughts can be about anything at all.”
Some are plagued by a lesser-known subtype of the condition whereby they become consumed with doubts about their relationship. They may question their love or attraction to their partner, their compatibility or their partner’s feelings for them. For James, relationship OCD was the hardest of the symptoms to bear. He describes an all-consuming anxious frustration that “felt like being dragged down into a horrible, inescapable cave”.
To quell the fear that his relationships weren’t right, James would perform huge romantic gestures, organise extravagant picnics and buy his partners gifts. He also sought out toxic and abusive relationships to counteract the intense thoughts. He adds: “I used to have a reputation for being a ‘f***-boy’, for breaking up with people randomly. I just didn’t care about myself. It wasn’t the OCD that was making me promiscuous, it was more that I knew the thoughts would get bad the minute things stopped being casual, so it was easier to keep a distance.”
During sex I wasn’t engaged – I was too obsessed and worried that I was gay… It’s on a loop, you just go back and forward. You try and put your mind at rest, but you can’t
Shaun Flores
The condition damaged James’s self-esteem, making him feel like “unlovable” or “unable to love”. He describes an endless cycle of thoughts “telling me I think my partner is repulsive or that I shouldn’t be with them. It really affects sex as well – it makes it hard to be intimate with the person I’m with because the entire time I’m with someone, my mind is saying I shouldn’t be.”
James, a 25-year-old recruitment consultant from Cardiff, considers himself recovered from his OCD, but the symptoms re-emerge when he enters a relationship, so he remains single to protect his mental health. He considers himself fortunate, as he was able to access help just four months after the initial intrusive thought. Driven to distraction by the dark obsessions, he received help from OCD Action after searching online for “how to get sectioned”. The average time a person waits from the onset of symptoms to receiving treatment is six to seven years, according to the charity.
James, who has two pet rabbits, adds: “What made me realise it was OCD was one day, I was having a shower. And my mind just was like, ‘You fancy your rabbits.’ And to me that was just so beyond rationality, it was such a crazy thought to have, that I was like, oh my gosh, this entire thing is so dumb. And that really gave me so much more perspective on trying to get better.”
Shaun Flores experienced a similar descent into OCD when a distressing thought appeared out of nowhere while relaxing at home with a friend one evening last year. The phrase “sexual assault” appeared in his head and took hold; petrified that he was going to hurt her, he pleaded that she leave. Alone, he had a panic attack and struggled to sleep as disturbing images appeared in his head. The incident kick-started a new obsession with suicide: “I genuinely believed I was going to take my own life. And because I thought that, I started acting as though I was.” Consumed by thoughts of death, he called Samaritans three nights in a row and wrote suicide notes.
Flores describes living with the obsessions as “hell in my own head”. He adds: “It’s like living with your worst fears on a hamster wheel, and you can’t get out of it. I was terrified of everything; I was terrified to sleep. It was just a constant state of panic.” Flores had been battling obsessive, intrusive, violent and distressing thoughts for years, but as a Black man, he didn’t feel he could speak out about what was going on because “mental health in the Caribbean community is not spoken about”, he says. Because OCD is so widely misunderstood, many hide it for years or decades. Flores was finally diagnosed with OCD last year, and given therapy and medication.
He’s now on a road to recovery, but on reflection, he realises the OCD had cost him many relationships. The 29-year-old mental health advocate says: “For a long time I was terrified I had an STI or HIV as a result of bad sexual experiences. That migrated on to sexual orientation OCD – fears that I was gay – that I lived with for three or four years. During sex I wasn’t engaged – I was too obsessed and worried that I was gay. It’s on a loop, you just go back and forward. You try and put your mind at rest, but you can’t.”
The thoughts prevented him from forming stable attachments as he would split up with partners after a few weeks. “I had the obsessive fear that I might cheat on my partner, that I might not like them enough, that there wasn’t enough chemistry. I would stress that they might not be the one for me – all those normal thoughts [that everyone has] magnified by 100. So you’re not living your life.”
OCD Action are keen to point out that despite these difficulties, it is possible to have a supportive and fulfilling relationship while living with the condition. Wallbank adds: “As a partner, taking time to learn about OCD and what drives the OCD cycle can be helpful.”
Charity worker Mairéad Ruane’s own struggles with relationship OCD had their roots in her teens and twenties, years that were marred by anxiety caused by obsessive thoughts and compulsions. “They made me think I was a really bad person for years. And then they just got much more constant and really difficult to deal with. I felt like I couldn’t escape them,” she says. The OCD affected Ruane’s self-esteem, flooding her body with anxiety and leaving her drained from adrenaline surges and a racing heart.
When Ruane searched online for “Why are my thoughts telling me I’m a bad person”, she discovered a definition for Pure-O, a type of OCD with no external signs of compulsions and she was eventually diagnosed four years ago. The 24-year-old from North Wales, who is now in recovery, says: “The reason I didn’t spot OCD before was because the stereotypes are about cleanliness, tidiness, checking or turning off a light switch. None of that was relatable. For me it was feeling like any intrusive thought I had, especially if it was taboo, meant something about me and that I needed to solve it in order to quell the panic. It wasn’t possible for me to think of it as just a thought and carry on with my day.”
For the past four years, in two relationships, Ruane has struggled with relationship OCD, causing her to analyse every aspect of the partnership. She explains: “I would go over and over past events, or check on social media to compare what I was experiencing.” She would ask for reassurance from partners, friends, loved ones – seeking for affirmations that would calm her anxiety. She adds: “When I feel triggered by an intrusive thought, it feels like life or death. It just takes over and the distress feels so unbearable and so overwhelming that I need to engage in mental compulsion or reassurance-seeking in order to survive the moment.”
There is no cure for OCD, but it is treatable. Dr Maxine Howard, senior clinical psychologist at the National and Specialist OCD, BDD and Related Disorders Service for Children and Young People, recommends that anyone who is struggling with intrusive thoughts talks to someone they trust, because “OCD thrives on secrecy”.
She recommends Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a talking therapy designed to help patients manage their problems by changing the way they think and behave, alongside Exposure and Response Prevention, which involves triggering and facing the fear and resisting the urge to perform a compulsion. Research shows that medication, such as selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs), often used as antidepressants as well as for anxiety disorders, can also help.
Dr Howard adds: “There is no right or wrong way for someone to feel about OCD itself. For some it’s a horrible bully that dictates their every move, for others it’s something that has kept them safe in the past, but they also know it’s no longer helping. In the same way recovery can look different for everyone. The goal of treatment is to reach complete and lasting recovery where individual lives are no longer dictated by OCD.”
James, who posts about his experiences on Instagram in an attempt to help other sufferers, isn’t thinking about finding “The One” any more. He doesn’t believe pairing off is a prerequisite for a meaningful, fulfilling life. “If settling down is an option for me in the future, then brilliant,” he tells me. “But if I’m destined for short romantic flings that are lovely and healthy, then so be it. It’s really important that people understand mental health issues aren’t a life sentence. It’s so daunting when you hear that you have OCD for life and that there’s no cure for OCD, but it’s so liveable. I have a very lovely, fantastic life.”
For information and support around OCD and related conditions, you can visit OCD Action’s website or call 0300 636 5478
