It's OK to talk about pregnancy loss. That's why I'm talking about mine.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. On Oct. 15, many who have suffered a loss of this kind will participate in a global “Wave of Light” by lighting a candle in memory of their baby or babies at 7 p.m. As a self-appointed ambassador of sorts for this cause, I hope this month will serve as an opportunity for increased dialogue and support.
My husband and I are lucky to have two beautiful daughters, ages 6 and 4. I had one early miscarriage between them, and then, starting in late 2020, five consecutive, unexplained losses, the most recent of which was last month, when I was just one day shy of 19 weeks pregnant. Each loss has been devastating, even as they became less and less surprising.
For me, one of the hardest things about pregnancy loss has been the feeling that I’m not supposed to talk about it — that discussing my losses with anyone outside my inner circle might be seen as attention-seeking, or too depressing for mixed company. Society has certainly made progress on this front, but I have still struggled after each loss with an overwhelming sense of loneliness and isolation. It shouldn’t be that way.
Pregnancy loss affects far more people than many would think — roughly 10% to 20% of all known pregnancies end in a loss. I did share the news about one of our losses — a stillbirth — on social media, and I was surprised by the number of women who privately shared with me about their losses after that. Each time someone reached out, I felt supported, as well as honored to be a witness to their baby’s life, however short it may have been.
This month, I want to encourage people to share about pregnancy loss if they feel comfortable doing so and believe it would be helpful. I think the pressure I have felt to keep quiet has mostly been in my own head, because anytime I have shared, I have been met with nothing but kindness. If you know someone who has been through a pregnancy loss, I hope you will be willing to talk about it with them, instead of avoiding the subject. I think people often hesitate to ask someone who has been through a loss about their baby or their experience, because they don’t want it to be a reminder of the pain. Let me assure you — you won’t “remind” a loss parent about their baby, because you can’t be reminded about something you have never forgotten.
Speaking openly about pregnancy loss is not “attention-seeking” — it is connection-seeking. Connection with others who have been through similar experiences has been a life raft for me over these past few years. If you are feeling isolated in your grief, I hope you will seek it for yourself as well. I will be lighting a candle this Sunday at 7 for my beloved daughters and son who I carry every day in my heart. If you know someone who is missing a baby this year, please light one yourself and send them a photo. It would mean the world to them.
Darcy Hathaway is an attorney who lives with her husband and two daughters in Ankeny. She grew up in Jefferson, Iowa.
This article originally appeared on Des Moines Register: Pregnancy loss should be talked about, so I’m talking about mine
