Olivia Wilde, Addison Rae's mom and the sexist conversations about relationship age gaps

It wasn't until Olivia Wilde started dating Harry Styles that she faced our culture's wrath. The 38-year-old "Don't Worry Darling" director became reduced to a "thirsty cougar" or "predator," while Styles, 28, remained relatively unscathed from the backlash. The public outcry was so pervasive that it prompted both stars to speak out against the "cruelty."

This one-sided reaction, experts say, likely isn't a result of the age difference (Wilde and her former fiancé Jason Sudeikis, eight years her senior, have a similar age gap to she and Styles). It's who is leading the age gap.

Tabloids crowned Demi Moore the queen of "toyboys" after her 6-year marriage to Ashton Kutcher. More recently, TikTok star Addison Rae's mother, Sheri Nicole Easterling, 43, received misogynistic hate after her red carpet debut with 26-year-old rapper Yung Gravy. Ultimately, it's the women who bear the brunt of the criticism in these heterosexual, age-gap romances (as depicted by the derogatory label "cougar," painting older women as wild animals on the prowl). In contrast, Leonardo DiCaprio and Scott Disick publicly exhibited a pattern of dating young, sometimes teenage, women, and were called out only in recent months.

Leonardo DiCaprio's breakup,: Demi Lovato's '29' and criticism around relationship age gaps

"It's women who always bear that social attack and backlash," says Janet Morrison, a certified sex and relationship coach. "Whether it's older or younger – she wants the sugar daddy and the money. Or if it's a woman dating a younger man, it's all about the sex. She's 'preying' on someone because she can't get someone her own age."

Part of this mistreatment may stem from unfamiliarity, Morrison acknowledges. Despite the prevalence of women-led age gap relationships in Hollywood (Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa, Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas, Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson), this dynamic is relatively uncommon. In most cases, however, it's a classic example of the way we disparage women for their choices, especially when they don't align with what we view as "traditional."

'Don't Worry Darling' review: At least Florence Pugh sparkles in buzzy but flat retro thriller

'Don't Worry Darling': The drama surrounding Harry Styles, Florence Pugh and Olivia Wilde, explained

Olivia Wilde, Demi Moore, and our problem with older, powerful women

The media tend to portray age-gap romances in a one-dimensional manner: the older man, wealthy and stable, has the power – socially, financially and even sexually – while his attractive, young, dependent "trophy wife" offers one thing: beauty.

We're culturally reluctant to accept the reverse: an older woman, or even a mother, pursuing a younger man, because it conflicts with our gendered, sexist norms of who should be "in control."

"If the woman is much older, people make assumptions like, 'Does she wear the pants? What does this mean about her need to be in charge or her huge sexual appetite'" – judgments that sociologist and sex coach Jenn Gunsaullus says are normalized when applied to men. "When you put older women in that same position, people don't know what to do. It doesn't match their expectations, so they judge and stigmatize it."

It's why sexist terms like "cougar" – with no male equivalent – are weaponized to shame older women in these relationships. According to Sarah Hill, an award-winning psychologist specializing in women, health and sexual psychology, this public discourse is also yet another example of suppressing female sexuality.

In any age-gap relationship, it's assumed the older partner expects short-term sex with a young, desirable partner (a stereotype she refutes as false). However, "these are behaviors we've culturally allowed men to pursue, where it's totally OK for them to want a quick fling with someone for sexual chemistry, while it's more taboo for women to have short-term sexual relationships," says Hill, a consultant for the dating site Cougar Life.

More on slut-shaming: Monica Lewinsky has been mocked in Beyoncé, Eminem lyrics. Is it time for us to apologize?

From 'sexual' to 'sexless': The double standard of aging for older women

Some would say men get more attractive with age. As the years, and their experiences in the world, go on, they are wiser and more stable. They become more dependable and therefore more desirable.

And yet ironically, the same qualities we value in men become the very attributes that make us uncomfortable with older, powerful, independent women – who are perceived as "intimidating," not "beautiful." Or "maternal," rather than sexy.

Our cultural fixation on youth is to blame, according to Morrison, especially with a beauty industry that peddles wrinkle-free, anti-aging appearances. "Younger is more beautiful according to our society, so people generally get creeped out when women go after a younger man. It's like, 'Holy moly, that's creepy,' because it's a mother figure going after a younger guy."

That's why one of the biggest steps to normalizing women-led age-gap relationships is "elevating the power and voices of older women and what they have to offer." More grace and flexibility, Gunsaullus says, is needed to empower older women "to be more real. They can be more authentic and open and still be considered powerful and wise without being demonized as unattractive or masculine."

Women and aging: Katie Couric poses without makeup: How to feel beautiful and embrace aging

Older women, younger men can have fulfilling relationships. Here's how.

People have been slow to embrace age-gap relationships. It's assumed that an older woman and younger man's romance is destined to fail, or perhaps it's the consequence of her midlife crisis.

Morrison, who has been in a long-term relationship with a man 13 years her junior, speaks from personal experience when she says these stereotypes are inaccurate. Like any relationship, their chemistry, despite their age gap, is fostered by great communication and a true connection. And in the appropriate context, age is just a number.

"You have to be confident in your relationship," Morrison says. "The biggest external factor that influences most of these relationships is not the age but the response and acceptance of the relationship by peers."

More: Ant Anstead and Christina Haack are both moving on. Why is only one being shamed?

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Olivia Wilde, Harry Styles relationship: Age-gap stigma tied to sexism