One secret document found in Dargan, but it's not from the government
You know, there are secret and top-secret government documents being discovered in some strange places these days.
First it was Mar-a-Lago, then in Delaware — and in a garage, of all places, where a shiny green Corvette convertible is kept. Even former Vice President Mike Pence is not without sin.
But what strange or peculiar person would keep secret or top-secret documents in a garage next to a Corvette you might ask?
And how did these documents get there? Well, no one seems to know.
“C'mon, give me a break, man!" is the response.
I know for sure I wouldn’t have hidden anything in my '56 Mercury back in the day. But any spy might have slept in that jalopy and left some top-secret stuff there. I never locked it.
And as I follow the document story closely and hear that only one political party seems to "tell lies" about political matters (smile), I am now becoming more concerned about the other one.
I was actually beginning to wonder if there might be some top-secret government documents hidden in the woods of Dargan.
Consider this: Who would ever look there?
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There has to be more than a few "political intellects" who would borrow secret documents from the safekeeping of the federal government and not hide them at home or in a Corvette. Perhaps some have made their way to Dargan.
Some political pundits might be surprised to learn that Dargan folk have inquiring minds, too.
We, the American people, must be fairly stupid for electing folk to safeguard our tax dollars when they can’t even safeguard our top-secret documents.
I’m beginning to wonder if those people who don’t vote might be the wisest of all.
You might at least expect that these seemingly intellectual, elected political geniuses, who have our total confidence, might find some better hiding places to secure sensitive documents than a Corvette’s garage.
You must also be wondering about our government’s system of preserving our nation’s secrets. Yeah, don’t worry.
Anyway, wouldn’t you like to know really just what those missing top-secret documents reported?
And also, if they’re not locking the door to their top-secret rooms, are there other safety concerns?
I’m wondering if these same officials are in charge of all that gold kept at Fort Knox.
If so, our coins might be disappearing soon as well! Can you imagine some of our country’s gold missing? Bet you wouldn’t find those shiny nuggets in a Corvette’s garage.
So, out of obvious concern for our nation’s security, I am commencing an examination of all hiding spots in Dargan to see if any top-secret documents exist there.
What would my grandparents, Reno and Gen, say today if such documents were found? They would be devastated to learn that such a trove of written word and closely kept secrets had made Dargan famous.
Now, to be real, I think I can speak with confidence that there are no top-secret documents hidden in Dargan anywhere.
But, just to be safe, I’m conducting a search.
I’m thinking, too, there might be one or two moonshiners left, and I don’t want any long black limousines with strange-looking people in black suits and zip guns going through our woods disturbing our white lightning stills.
If any sensitive documents are found, I’m going to read them quickly (who wouldn’t?) and then burn them on the spot.
Dargan moonshine is by far more valuable, and no way are any of those recipes disappearing.
And let's not forget, mushroom season will soon be upon us. I don’t want any G-men ruining our upcoming morel crop by stamping down that rich, moist black earth with their shiny black shoes.
Nope, I’ll conduct this search myself and report my findings.
Seriously, though, It is really unfortunate from my humble plate of opinion that such sensitive reports seem to be so numerous in their disappearance.
This matter shows a total lack of security and guidelines to protect our country from intruders and thieves. James Bond would be nauseous.
If you can walk away with top-secret documents at the whim of a senator, vice president or chief executive, what other crucial documents are in jeopardy?
Update: Dargan woods clear
So after completing my investigation down here, I am happy to report that I have found no top-secret documents in Dargan, save one: a recipe for moonshine. And its hiding place will be changed to protect the master chemists involved.
There were no other witnesses to my actions, and no special counsel is required.
C'mon man, just trust me.
Pete Waters is a Sharpsburg resident who writes for The Herald-Mail.
This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Could there be top-secret documents hidden in Washington County?