Open letter to online scammer illustrates how tricky American communication can be
Response to offer from lawrencewood3518@gmail.com to opt out of alleged automated charge to bank account for Norton virus protection:
Dear Larry,
Thank you for your recent correspondence, and the opportunity to opt out of a $221.21 charge for Norton brand virus protection by calling the provided number and providing you with my banking information.
I have to be honest, most American corporations, like the power company or the phone company, never give me the option of nonpayment. They just take the cash and never so much as drop me a card.
But I am troubled that, as email scams go, you seem to be reverting a bit to the old days when such activity was easy to spot. True, you have dropped the Nigerian, who hasn’t made an appearance in my email inbox for years.
Indeed, your correspondence had gotten, if I may be so bold, so professional, that it was hard to separate fact from fake. But lately there’s been a bit of backsliding. I understand that with the employment squeeze it can hard to find good help, and since I am a sympathetic person, please accept gratis these edits and “constructive criticism” that with luck may lead to more positive results:
Hi Member;
See, the problem here is that so far as I know, Norton does not have “members.” It is not the Sierra Club. It has “clients” or “valued customers.”
Your Annual product subscription for NORTON FAMILY [ALL DEVICE] has been renewed & updated successfully.
Sports:High school wrestling at Clear Spring? Perhaps as soon as 2024
I don’t blame you on this one, because English is a tricky language. “All” is what we know as an “indefinite pronoun” that, as the name implies, can be a bit foggy as to singular or plural status. You have no doubt heard the phrase “All is well,” which takes the singular verb “is.” Maybe that’s what you are thinking of here.
Trouble is, “all,” while it might appear to represent many things, is in this case best thought of as a singular condition, or state of being. It’s the same reason you would say your health IS good, even though there are many different systems and organs that predicate overall well-being.
If you are referring to more than one device, however, you are likely talking about two or three separately identifiable and individual elements, which necessitates the plural form “devices.”
And no need to capitalize “annual,” by the way. You’re not Donald Trump.
The amount charged will be available within the next 24 to 48 hrs on your profile of account.
Huh? What’s a “profile of account"? Do you mean bank balance? I understand the 24 to 48 hrs, because you need to explain why the ostensible charge for “all device” doesn’t appear on my balance, but people will need greater clarity on that point.
_PRODUCT DETAILS_
INVOICE ID: NOR31368HX
PRODUCT NAME: NORTON FAMILY [ALL DEVICE]
The problem here is that I use Apple products, so I do not, have not, and will not be in need of any virus protection. Second, I do not have a family, so I am hardly in need of child-safety software.
I don’t want to sound overly harsh, Larry, but in the future feel free to tell your people to do a little homework before blasting spam emails.
START DATE: 1023.02.07
Yeah, I’m sure this is totally how you do it in Berzerkkistan, or wherever it is you're from, but in America we put the year last, viz, 02/07/1023. And, small point, but in 1023, the Caliphate of Cordoba collapsed, replaced by the Judge-Governor of Seville in Al-Andalus. I’m pretty sure they didn’t have iPads.
If you wish to stop subscription and ask for a REFUND then please feel free to call are Billing Department as soon as possible!
No worries, articles and possessive adjectives tend to give even the best-educated non-English speakers trouble. It should be “your” subscription. Or if you prefer, “you’re” subscription — then they’ll really think “your” an American.
Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.
Correction: Because of an editor's error, This story was updated at 9:10 a.m. Feb. 9, 2023 to correct the spelling of the columnist's last name, as well as a spelling error. Herald-Mail Media apologizes for the mistakes.
This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Fake Norton opt-out email leads to columnist's copy editing