OPINION: Cell phone dictation and imitation

Feb. 10—A few weeks ago, I had just finished dictating my column while I was waiting for the NSU pool to open. I then ran it through an online word counter, to make sure it wasn't too long. I've always had trouble making a long story short.

This word counter, either trying to be helpful or peddle a new feature, offered to check my grammar for me. I acquiesced, and it found several errors. But these were deliberate on my part, inserted for effect — plus this particular program disagrees with me about the Oxford comma. My philosophy— shared by the cunning linguist Bob McQuitty, who writes a column for TDP — is that too many commas are better than not enough.

The word counter wasn't finished yet, though. It also warned me — loudly, in red, with exclamation points, and displaying what I interpreted as a an inappropriate digital display of smugness— that it had found a phrase that qualified as plagiarism. Horrified, I took the necessary steps to find out what had constituted that cardinal sin for a journalist. Or at least, I did the best I could. The word counter wanted some money to disclose the information — kind of like those websites that insist they can find anyone's location or phone number for you until you pay up.

It took me a minute or so, but when the chips were down, the truth was revealed: Lo and behold, I had plagiarized myself. The algorithm did not recognize Kim Poindexter and Kim Cisternino are one and the same person.

I related this tale on Facebook, and a lively discussion involving a number of "followers" ensued. Threads that incite mass participation are always the best, because you get reminded how clever, funny, and unique your friends are.

Jim Gray, a friend in college with whom I later worked at TDP, and who was still later chief of the Osage, related a story about Gordon Sumner — the musician known more commonly by another name: "When Sting struck out on his own as a solo artist, he was interviewed [and the comment was made] that one of his songs on his new album has the same lyric from a song the Police did. Sting said, 'If anyone can repeat anything I wrote, it's me.'"

Sting's lyrics do inspire temptation for imitation. My favorite Police tune, "Invisible Sun," offers up images of government statistics, prison cells, and the metaphorical value of cigarettes, and asserts that "I face the day with my head caved in, looking like something that the cat brought in." That's hard to beat, although The Who's description of a man who woke up in a Soho doorway and then "took the tube back out of town, back to the rollin' pin" comes close. Except in America, the "rollin' pin" might be packing a gun.

It's possible that in the future, my works will be known by my stubborn loyalty to the Oxford comma. A friend from my days at OU, Mike Hoskin, said he was trying to predict on which side of the Oxford comma debate I fell. I told him, "The right one." His response was hilarious for anyone who knows about this particular grammatical quirk: "Well, you never know for sure where one stands on religion, politics, and the Oxford comma." For the comma illiterate, I expounded. I'm quite adept at expounding; which probably explains why commas are the most important weapon in my arsenal.

I'm generous with these little jots, more so than even the Associated Press, which is more fond of them than Merriam Webster. That's because I have found out over the years that if readers don't have something to help them separate thoughts, they will commingle words or groups of words quite easily. Thus my theory of better too many than not enough. Therefore, I have an expanded definition of Oxford comma. Here's an example of what many might do: "When he uses the restroom he takes a book with him." I would write, "When he uses the bathroom, he takes a book with him." I'm a big believer in offsetting or setting apart prepositional phrases.

For some readers, I will have gone too far at this point, since many don't know (or have forgotten) what a prepositional phrase is. For that matter, they don't know about the parts of speech and couldn't tell a noun from a verb or an adjective. Apparently they didn't watch much "Schoolhouse Rock" when they were kids. And unfortunately, I'm not much help. Like former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said, "I know it when I see it," but it's hard to describe an abstract concept to someone who hasn't a clue. Of course, Stewart was talking about obscenity, which is a lot easier to define than the parts of speech.

But back to dictating columns. Since my phone imposed its most recent system update upon me, I've noticed it has taken my penchant for commas way too far. It seems to insert one after almost every word, whether I tell it to or not. In fact, it initially interpreted the previous sentence this way: "Sense, my phone imposed its most recent, system update upon me, I've noticed that, it has taken my pear shaped, for comments way, too, far. It seems to inert one, after almost every word, weather, I tell it to, or not."

I used to think voice text was merely inept; now I believe it to be a snarky arse and can only assume the programmer did that on purpose, inserting his or her own warped personality into the algorithm. That would be another example of self-plagiarism, with which Sting and I are so familiar. Since I don't know how to write code any better than some people can write simple sentences, I must be in good company.