OPINION: Chris Kelly Opinion: Some voters never 'lern'

Chris Kelly, The Times-Tribune, Scranton, Pa.
·5 min read

Apr. 30—BREAKING NEWS — U.S. Sen. Bob Casey is NOT running for a seat on the Scranton School Board, his campaign confirmed Friday.

In an unsigned email, someone with the campaign drew the short straw and set the record straight for Scranton voters:

"Hi Chris, I can confirm that Senator Casey is not running for school board. Thanks."

You read it here first!

In fact, That Bob Casey plans to run next year for a fourth term in the Senate, which his campaign announced earlier this month. While the senator's experience on the Select Intelligence Committee would no doubt be valuable to the school district, history suggests it would be rejected by whatever board majority takes power in 2024.

The Bob Casey who IS running for a school board seat is Another Bob Casey Altogether. He's been on the board before. So has his son — Bob Casey Jr. So many Bob Caseys! On the May 16 primary ballot, the Bob Casey who IS running for school board is listed as "Robert J. Casey," but his campaign signs tout Bob Casey. The surname alone is electoral gold here in Our Stiff Neck of the Woods. On the ballot, it may as well appear with the black oval already filled in.

But don't be fooled, gullible voters! Know your Bob Caseys, and vote accordingly.

Bob Casey confusion is not a bug, but a feature of this primary election season. Mixed messages abound in the political flora and fauna popping up in residential yards, on roadsides and in mailboxes and on antisocial media. If you're not paying attention, it's difficult to know who to vote for — or against.

I can help. Some. As a crusading columnist, I consider it my solemn duty to identify potential sources of confusion in the community and exploit them for fun and profit. For example, former Lackawanna County commissioner Pat O'Malley.

O'Malley is almost definitely NOT running for Lackawanna County Register of Wills, a post long held by Fran Kovaleski. The incumbent crushed O'Malley in the 2021 primary, but a large sign posted prominently on a billboard at a scrap yard on Keyser Avenue still solicits votes for the most photographed politician in county history.

Commercial billboards usually carry the mark of the advertiser who owns them. I could find no such mark when I dropped by the place on Thursday. I knocked on what appeared to be the office door, which was locked. I left a message on the business's voicemail, but no one called back.

There is no state law requiring the timely removal of campaign signs, but a city ordinance gives property owners 15 days after an election to pack them up. The O'Malley for Register of Wills sign is two years past that deadline, and a distraction for drivers who voted for Kovaleski and don't know what the Register of Wills does, anyway.

It's not clear that O'Malley paid for the sign or that he is even aware of it. Anyone who travels Keyser Avenue into the city can't miss it. I've tried. I called O'Malley on Friday to ask about the sign, but when I told him who was calling, he chuckled and hung up. I don't blame him. I'm the jerk who nicknamed him "Cheese." I wouldn't talk to me, either.

Perhaps the most profound mixed message of the season is contained not in a campaign sign, but in a glossy mailer making the rounds. Paid for by something called Concerned Parents Advocacy Group, the attack ad urges voters to "ERASE" incumbent Directors Ro Hume, Catherine Fox, Tara Yanni and Sarah Cruz.

It's an effective piece of agitprop, with a glaring flaw that flips the message on its backers. See if you can spot it:

Scranton School District proposes 16% tax hike

Taxpayers were not happy to lern they might go another year with a tax hike in the Electric City.

That thudding sound you hear is Scranton School District English teachers banging their heads on the handiest hard surface. A clandestine political entity advocating for a change in management of the school district's $216.5 million annual budget and the education of more than 9,000 students can't spell "learn" and doesn't use spellcheck.

I reached out to the targeted directors on Friday and asked them to spell "learn" on the spot. Hume, Fox and Cruz nailed it on the first try. I left Yanni a voicemail posing the question. She texted back with the correct spelling. Did she have to look it up? I doubt it.

Any misspelled word would have undermined the message of the mailer. Misspelling the word that describes the essential purpose of schooling earns an F-minus for the Concerned Parents Advocacy Group and any candidates it may eventually endorse. Concerned parents who can't spell words I learned in kindergarten concern me.

So do voters who don't pay attention. Voters who won't spend the minimal time and effort it takes to educate themselves on the issues that impact their communities and the candidates best equipped to represent and serve the public interest. Voters swayed by brands and slogans glimpsed in snippets as they bounce from one distraction to another wondering why they keep getting the government they deserve.

Voters who never lern.

CHRIS KELLY, the Times-Tribune columnist, is not running for office.

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kellysworld@timesshamrock.com. Read his award-winning blog at timestribuneblogs.com/kelly, @cjkink on Twitter, Chris Kelly, The Times-Tribune on Facebook