Opinion: I'm an MSU student. We are not OK.

Monday, Feb. 13, 2023: The day my home became a scary place.

I have been a Spartan since the day I was born. I would come to football games with my family to tailgate outside of the MSU Union, the same place where my classmate was brutally slain by a man that had no ties to my school. Walking on campus this past week has felt like a fever dream. I keep telling myself that I will wake up from this horrible nightmare. But this is my reality.

We had an exam Monday night, and class ended at 7:30 p.m. I walked to my car alone, not thinking about how my life could be in danger at any minute. I am so lucky I got home before anything happened.

If it wasn’t for my exam, I would have still been in my class when the attack started at 8:18 p.m. When I got home, my roommate asked if I wanted to go to Target to get Valentine’s Day gifts for her boyfriend and our friends. The second we got in the car and started driving down Grand River Avenue, we heard the sirens. We thought nothing of it; it’s a big town, so we hear sirens all the time.

We walk into Target and I got the email: “Run, hide, fight.”

'My heart sank'

Those words will forever be ingrained in my head.

As we sat on the floor of the Target electronics section trying not to cry, we were calling, texting, checking the locations of our loved ones, trying to see if everyone was safe. I opened a text from one of my best friends. "Please tell me you are not on campus right now." My heart sank. I read texts from my friends and family, all afraid for my safety. I listened to the police scanners, hearing that multiple people were hurt. I watched videos of my peers running for their lives. Time was moving so slowly. I called my mom and my dad to tell them I was OK, when I really didn't know if that was true. My voice was shaking. I paced up and down the aisles wondering what to do, where to go.

When we left the store, campus was closed off as police searched for the attacker. We couldn't get back home. I am so blessed that we were able to escape to a family friend’s house in Waverly, Mich., a 20-minute drive that felt like hours. My friends, my Michigan State family, were stuck on campus, barricading themselves in study rooms, worried they would be next.

When we got home on Tuesday, I locked myself in my living room with some of the people I love the most. We simply sat in silence. We tried watching movies to calm our nerves, but every time someone walked past the window, we jumped. My friend would ask if I was OK, and I nodded, because words seemed too hard.

I didn’t believe I was OK. But I didn’t know how to feel.

We shouldn't have to be afraid

At the Wednesday night vigil, I saw some of my closest friends for the first time since the shooting. I have never squeezed them tighter than I did that night.

We are just 21. We shouldn’t be worried that our friends are not going to live long enough to graduate, or have families of their own. As we cried in each other’s arms, mourning the loss of our classmates, we wondered how we will we go back. How are we supposed to walk back into buildings — where we once spent most of our time with friends, studying or in class — now are covered in crime scene tape?

I am scared. I don’t want to go back to class right now. I just want to be around the people I love. I cannot imagine the school making the decision to send us back to a campus where three people were brutally murdered, and five others were wounded and remain hospitalized. But I know that eventually, we will have to go back. My home will never be the same. The place I once felt the most comfortable is now one of the scariest places I can imagine.

Something has to change

The past week I have cried myself to sleep in fear because I am alone. Will this be the last time I see the people I love? Every time my friends leave my side I start to shake. Will they make it home safely? Will I see them again? Am I going to get another text asking if I am safe?

I feel guilty, because I think it should have been me. What if I had been studying in the Union, like I typically do? I tell myself there was nothing I could have done, but it’s hard to believe it. I pray for the victims and their families every night. No one should ever send their children to school worried about safety. School should be one of the safest places, but it is not.

Something must change. I don't believe all guns should be banned; that won’t change anything. Bad people are going to do bad things. But students are dying, and I will not accept that my school could just be another statistic.

In all of this tragedy, the East Lansing and Lansing communities has been great to us all. The Potter Park Zoo is giving students free admission, just so we can get out of our rooms. Many restaurants are offering us free food, and a group of moms came to campus offering mom hugs. The support we have gotten from the community has given me hope. It has helped me see the good in this very bad world, and I'm so thankful for that.

'It will take a long time to recover'

A wise woman once told me that life has seasons. Some are amazing and some aren't, but the good seasons always come back around. When that day comes, when I feel happy and safe in my home, I will know the seasons have changed.

I know it will take a long time to recover. This is not something that my community will quickly snap back from. I just hope I can walk along the Red Cedar River again with friends, and know that Michigan State is my home and that I am safe here.

I will always be a Spartan, through thick and thin. We Spartans are tough and resilient individuals, but now we are also vulnerable, traumatized and scared. I have seen this place in the best and the worst of times. I just hope that underclassmen see what I see in this place.

Right now, campus is terrifying. But I know when the snow is drifting and the bell tower is chiming, when the ducks are waddling and the leaves are changing, this place will truly be beautiful. I want see flowers growing at the botanical gardens, not placed in memorial at the foot of my Spartan statue.

This is my home. This is where I want to be. Right now, I am confused, and I just want to see my home the way I did before Monday night. But the season will change, and the good will come back. I know my Spartans are strong. But we will need support to get through this.

Kalee Kniess is a junior at Michigan State University and a native of metro Detroit.

This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Opinion: I'm an MSU student. After campus shooting, we are struggling