Opinion: Moving through the messy middle
I don’t love the “messy middle,” even when I create it.
When I deep clean, for example, I have the tendency to take everything out of the space I’m cleaning — which just makes another space messy, of course. If I get interrupted during the cleaning, or I just run out of steam, then the mess expands and expands until I finally get it done. (I do know there’s another way, doing one small section at a time, but I can’t seem to do anything by halves.)
A couple of summers ago, we did a face-lift for our kitchen — new paint on and in all the cupboards, new sink, new kitchen faucets, new baseboards. I loved (and still love) the look of white with black trim. But, in the middle, it was messy. Very messy.
I emptied every cupboard and both pantries. I have a lot of “stuff” and it was everywhere. We had food and pans and spices and my good china and cake decorating supplies and dishes and you name it, all over the place. Some in boxes, lots piled on the table, the counter completely covered. It was not pretty.
It was overwhelming some days. I thought the project might never end, and I wanted to cut it short, shove everything back in the cupboards and pantries and shut the doors. It felt like it would be easier, you know? Out of sight, out of mind. And it would have been easier — in the short term. In the long term, though, it would not have brought about the needed change I wanted.
I’ve been in the messy middle of grief. That slog feels like it will never end. I’ve been in the messy middle of parenting children with mental, emotional and/or physical health challenges. The messy middle of my own “growing pains” as I deliberately move outside my comfort zone to tackle new and intimidating challenges — and then question my decision-making abilities. I’ve been in the messy middle of multiple kids in diapers and tantrums and the inability to dress themselves, the messy middle of teenager-hood and the messy middle of wedding planning.
Guess what I’ve learned.
Life is messy.
Sometimes the mess is painful. Sometimes, it just seems so attractive to shove it all in the metaphorical cupboard and go on my way, thinking — or at least pretending — that I’ve actually done the work of cleaning out old gunk and making room for some needed changes and improvements. I don’t love being in the messy middle.
Brené Brown, in the second season of her podcast “Unlocking Us,” says that “the middle is messy, but it’s also where the magic happens.” It’s the second day of a three-day seminar, or the second act of a three-act play. It’s getting through “the dip” that comes with creating a new company. Or a new family. You can’t skip the middle, even though that’s the toughest part.
Bruce Feiler talks about the messy middle in his 2020 book “Life is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age.” First of all, life is in the transitions, he said. We can’t ignore them or wish them away. “We have to accept them, name them, mark them, share them, and eventually convert them into a new and vital fuel for remaking our life stories.”
As we navigate through life’s transitions, there are generally three parts: The “long goodbye,” where you leave behind the old you, the messy middle, where you navigate the “what now?!” part, and then the new beginning for the new you. In over hundreds of interviews, Feiler found that people are generally really good at moving through one stage and generally really bad at moving through one stage.
Some people, it turns out, are even good at moving through the messy middle.
Holly Richardson is the editor of Utah Policy.
