OPINION: RUBY: Frivolous Lawsuits

Feb. 1—In simple terms, a frivolous lawsuit "intends to harass, delay, or embarrass the opposition." If I want to be judgmental, I'd say the kind that should just get thrown out of court. The kind that borders on get-rich schemes.

Now get-rich schemes abound in our advertising, and if you know the old adage "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably isn't," then they probably don't catch you. But one evidently posed a possibility for a woman in Florida last fall, when she opened a Reese's peanut butter candy and realized the pumpkin didn't have a cut out mouth and eyes like the package showed.

That's what Cynthia Kelly is suing Hershey's for; she claims she never would have bought them if she'd realized they weren't as shown.

If it had been me, and that really bothered me, I think I would have taken them back and asked for a refund. Which raises the question, what did she do with them? I sort of bet she didn't throw them in the trash.

Her class action lawsuit seeks damages for "all Floridians who purchased the 'deceptive products' . . . damages would exceed $5 million."

I'm not sure, exactly, what those "damages" are. Did she lose sleep over this "deception?" Did it cause her to call in sick for work because she was so traumatized by this?

If she was so upset, why didn't she take them back and demand a refund? Or did she use them anyway, which sort of negates the claim.

I don't know about you, but I don't pay all that much attention to those packages when I grab a bag of candy and toss it in my buggy. What I'm after is that yummy melt-in-your-mouth chocolate peanut butter sensation.

I'd probably be disappointed if the candy actually did have those cut-outs, as they would lessen the chocolate-peanut butter radio.

I am puzzled, too, about how she intended to use them. Did she plan to unwrap all of those pieces (Amazon offers a bag of 60) to serve them on a party platter? Maybe then I'd be disappointed.

Or did she plan to drop them into trick or treaters' goody bags? I'm pretty sure those kids could care less about cut-out faces. "Look, mom, a Reese's peanut butter cup! Aw shucks, it doesn't have a face!!"

Well, you know, though, $5 million is a lot of money. So let's see. Florida has a population of 21.78 million people. How many of them will join the lawsuit? If just 75,000 did, and they were awarded the whole $5 million, they'd get about $1,000 each.

Except that's before the lawyers take their third, which is over $1.6 million. Plus, court settlements are taxable.

As a "get rich quick" scheme, it seems the final sum falls a little short of the mark.

Well, it might be interesting to see where this goes. In the near future, it could spawn any number of lawsuits dealing with truth in advertising!

I'm waiting for the one against M&M's, because those packages feature little men (I assume they're men). I have yet to open a package to find faces on my M&M's, no less arms and legs. Which would actually be kind of creepy, I think.

Almond Joy might be in trouble, too. The mini bar package features three almonds. I have yet to find a mini bar with more than one. Definitely deceptive!

Or, as I'm eyeing that Marie Callender pot pie box on my freezer shelf, I'm thinking it never looks like that on my plate when I cut into the first bite.

When was the last time you saw a white tornado in your bathroom? Or scrubbing bubbles running around like little robots? Or Mr. Clean magically emerging like a genie from a bottle?

And what about your new car? Are you gonna drive it the way they did in the ad? Then you'd better be aware that "car companies often use specially prepared 'hero cars' for their commercials . . . meticulously maintained and modified for filming purposes." Note the "modified."

If you want a lawsuit for a product not being "as advertised," it seems that's a more serious contender.

But Reese's peanut butter pumpkins? Who really cares what they look like, so long as the taste hasn't changed since the last time you enjoyed one?

If you want to sue someone, rather than just harassing them, find a real issue worth the court's time and energy. There are plenty out there.