Opinion: The secret Christmas wishes of Utah politicians

One trait of a successful politician is her or his ability to obtain help and support from volunteers and prominent individuals. Thus, Santa Claus is a natural target for politicians and their wish lists. With Santa, there’s no expectation of future favors or obligations.

So, without the use of artificial intelligence (we’re too old to know how to use it), but via traditional nefarious means (overhearing rumors at fundraisers), we secured the wishes of our local politicos for this Christmas. (Note: these are all made-up things, meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Tell your lawyers to calm down.)

Gov. Spencer Cox: Normally I would ask for peace everywhere and goodwill toward others, but I’ve been pretty much spreading that message through my civility campaign all year long without help from the North Pole. So I’ll modestly ask Santa to provide housing for everyone in the state.

U.S. Sen. Mike Lee: This whole concept of intruding into people’s lives to determine who is naughty or nice is galling. Santa’s snooping makes the NSA look amateurish. It’s really none of his business. Bah! Humbug! By the way, small copies of the Constitution make great stocking stuffers.

U.S. Sen. Mitt Romney: My number of Christmas cards received has dropped considerably since publication of my very candid tell-all book. I’ve had a pretty good ride for many years, and a nice capstone gift would be if “you know who” does not win the nomination. Just a thoughtful solicitation.

All Utahns: We did ask for a playoff berth for the Jazz last year — which you did not deliver. We’ve been nicer this year, so please ... please ...

All Utahns II: We appreciate the great winter last year. Please repeat, but this time with snow in the mountains and rain in the valleys.

Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson: 2024 is a big election year and voter fraud will not occur under my watch. Please deliver silence from all the misguided grumblers who think otherwise.

Congressman John Curtis: I have but a small request — that every voter in Utah undergo a limited episode of amnesia so they forget my declaration that I would not run for the U.S. Senate.

Former House Speaker and current Senate candidate Brad Wilson: Please, Santa, help voters remember what a well-governed state they live in, especially as they respond to poll questions.

Riverton Mayor Trent Staggs: Simple request: Just remind voters who is the Trumpiest candidate of them all.

Congressman Blake Moore: Santa, please help Utahns understand what great power and clout I now have as vice chair of the House Republican Conference.

Newly elected Congresswoman Celeste Maloy: All I want is for those delegates and voters who supported me in September to continue their affection in the coming election year.

Former President Donald Trump: Short list: Shut the border, get out of NATO and the United Nations and impeach all those prosecutors and judges who want to put me in jail.

President Joseph Biden: Short list: All voters view a TikTok video of me vigorously jogging up the stairs of Air Force One, reciting the Gettysburg Address backwards without a pause or stumble, with this chant in the background: Jobs are up, inflation is down, income is up, crime is down, life is better.

Senate President Stuart Adams: All I ask for is better revenue figures. I love to build things, so we need more state dollars for that and a nice tax cut.

House Speaker Michael Schultz: For the first time in state history we will know who legislative opponents are before the session begins. I ask for minimal intraparty challenges to reduce posturing and ensure civility during the session.

Left-wing activists: We refuse to ask Santa for anything. The whole idea of this misogynistic figure taking credit for Mrs. Claus’ efforts and those of vertically-challenged nonunion workers is outrageous. He’s obviously not a vegetarian and is cruel to his transport animals by demanding millions of destinations in one night.

Right-wing activists: We refuse to ask anything of Santa. He promotes redistribution of wealth, giving to those who haven’t earned it and delivering presents inside enemy nations and those with socialist agendas. He’s a proven radical eco-freak as he uses carbon-free animals instead of diesel engines to power his sleigh.

Salt Lake City Mayor Mendenhall: Santa, please remind my friends on Capitol Hill I saved them from four years of torture by preventing the return of “he-who-shall-not-be-named.” Please demonstrate your gratitude by funding homeless and housing programs.

Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: In 2022, you took away the Republicans’ veto-proof majority. How about a Democratic majority County Council in 2024, along with my reelection?

Congressman Burgess Owens: A nice stocking stuffer would be a Utah Supreme Court decision upholding the Republican redistricting plan.

Pignanelli & Webb: We wish happy holidays to our readers and ask Santa for a never-ending supply of political machinations to write about.

Republican LaVarr Webb is a former journalist and a semiretired small farmer and political consultant. Email: lwebb@exoro.com. Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser who served as a Democrat in the Utah state Legislature. Email: frankp@xmission.com.