An Oscar Night Prayer: Lord, Grant Us Health, Security And Lots Of Joaquin Phoenix

Michael Cieply
·2 min read
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I’m not especially religious. But, as they say, there are no atheists in foxholes. So I’d like to offer a short prayer for the much-delayed, Covid-weary 93rd Oscar ceremony, set for a week from tonight.

Feel free to join, amend, or delete, as the spirit moves you:

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Dear Lord, whoever and wherever You may be,

We humbly beg that Sunday’s Oscar show may come off without a hitch, which would a first, but it can’t hurt to ask.

More particularly, we pray that the many nominees and hangers-on who are flying here from around the globe will have observed their 10-day quarantine in strictest isolation, with no thought of slipping out for a pedicure or cocktails on Sunset. We don’t want to spread any Movieland variants.

Please, Lord, let the Derek Chauvin jury deliberate for a while. We’ll have enough drama without an Oscar-week verdict.

Let the authorities secure Union Station, whatever complications that may cause on surrounding streets, never mind the police over-time budget.

We implore you, Dear Lord, let the show be brief. One hour was too much for the SAG Awards. Can the Oscars survive a minute over three?

Let someone be funny (and not wholly consumed by the show’s Covid-safe narrative). These films are very dour.

Let no one mention Georgia voting laws. Hold that fight for Monday morning, after we’ve dealt with the ratings.

But please, Lord, in Your infinite wisdom and mercy, grant Joaquin Phoenix a waiver from any time limits. I could listen to him talk about baby cows and his own scoundrel behavior forever and ever.

Amen.

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