'The other AI' is stealing our zest for life, relationship expert Esther Perel tells SXSW

Katherine Fan
·5 min read
1

World-renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel captivated a rapt audience Saturday afternoon during her South by Southwest keynote session. Her 60-minute talk on artificial intimacy was punctuated by multiple standing ovations, peals of laughter and frequent requests to the conference team to turn the lights up so she could see the audience.

What made her speech so magnetic? Here are five highlights from her session.

Perel is 'flattered, yet offended' to have an AI doppelgänger

Not long ago, Perel found out that a programmer, heartbroken from a recent breakup but unable to book a therapy session with Perel, had instead created an artificial intelligence bot he named aiEsther to listen to his feelings and dispense advice.

Perel opened her keynote with the anecdote, saying she was “flattered, yet offended” by the existence of aiEsther.

“I’ve been getting older and thinking more about my mortality,” she said, “but that is not how I expected to experience immortality.”

From 2018:Pearls of wisdom and hope from relationship guru Esther Perel at South by Southwest

After chatting with aiEsther, the bot creator woke up the following day with “the most clarity I've ever had about my relationship," he wrote on his blog. However, he also wrote that aiEsther was “not good at knowing things about herself … such as her childhood.”

“Go figure,” Perel wryly added as she relayed the blog post summary, “aiEsther doesn’t have personal experience or feelings when sitting with (a client). But I do.”

That being said, Perel is willing to take aiEsther head-on — to prove the value of speaking with a real human.

“I’d love to have a comparison where aiEsther does her session and then I do one,” Perel said. “So much of what I do (as a therapist) is going off-script. It’s trial and error, saying something, seeing your face, micro-tracking what you do. That bot is … not going to start a conversation about (Grandma’s) relationship with her estranged children, or the meaning of her life as she comes to the end.”

Psychologist and researcher Esther Perel emphasizes the importance of genuine connection Saturday during a keynote at South by Southwest. “We have come to accept distracted attention as enough, and it is not,” Perel said. “Artificial intimacy is full of disrupted connections that have become normalized and socially acceptable.”
Psychologist and researcher Esther Perel emphasizes the importance of genuine connection Saturday during a keynote at South by Southwest. “We have come to accept distracted attention as enough, and it is not,” Perel said. “Artificial intimacy is full of disrupted connections that have become normalized and socially acceptable.”

'The other AI,' artificial intimacy, is stealing our zest for life

We’ve all heard of artificial intelligence. But over the past decade, Perel has become more concerned with “the other AI”, as she calls it: artificial intimacy, where “people supposedly are with each other but are not present.”

“We have come to accept distracted attention as enough, and it is not,” Perel said. “Artificial intimacy is full of disrupted connections that have become normalized and socially acceptable.”

More:OpenAI founder talks ChatGPT, Dall-E and what's next for artificial intelligence at SXSW

Perel blames society’s increasing addition to screens and social media for the rise in artificial intimacy. The ever-increasing convenience of on-demand food delivery, music and entertainment or even the promise of connection via dating apps leads us to believe that we can optimize our way into perfection.

“This relentless focus on optimization has actually not optimized our ability to be present,” Perel said. “Most of life’s challenges are not problems we solve. They are paradoxes that we manage.”

Artificial intimacy pits us against the very people we want to connect with

Much of the interpersonal tension we experience in relationships revolves around polarity, Perel said: “Should we or should we not have another child? Should we or should we not divorce?” And when couples fight over their respective viewpoints, “we outsource to our partner the part of our dilemma that we don’t like to hold.”

In a society increasingly focused on ease and convenience, friction is seen as a bad thing to be avoided. Yet friction is essential for eroticism, Perel said, referencing a core concept from her 40 years of relationship research: “Eroticism is not sex, per se, but the qualities of vitality, curiosity and spontaneity that make us feel alive.”

More:Exclusive Q&A: Gabriel Luna discusses 'The Last of Us,' Austin roots

'Intimacy avoidance is a direct result of the rise of artificial intimacy'

“Genuine intimacy lives side-by-side with closeness and distance … trust and betrayal … love, and the fears that we bring to love,” Perel said. “Many of us are currently living with heavy questions that don’t have right and wrong answers. I suggest that we stop treating these dilemmas like problems that have clear-cut solutions.

“Whatever decision you make carries grief for the option we didn’t choose. The siren song of our screens is the false promise that we can make decisions without experiencing this grief.”

Sex therapist and counselor Esther Perel gives a keynote speech during the SXSW conference in March 2018. Part of that talk included Perel Perel encouraging SXSW attendees to talk to strangers, get their heads out of their phones and find inspiration in each other.
Sex therapist and counselor Esther Perel gives a keynote speech during the SXSW conference in March 2018. Part of that talk included Perel Perel encouraging SXSW attendees to talk to strangers, get their heads out of their phones and find inspiration in each other.

Young adults, especially boys and men, are disproportionately impacted by artificial intimacy

Modern society’s “intense desire to remove inconveniences” is leaving people “ill-equipped for the messiness … of living with another human,” Perel said. “The technologies that help us remove many of life’s inconveniences have also made us unable to deal with the inevitability of nature, love and life. A unique part of intimacy is that when we allow ourselves to truly meet another, we also meet new parts of who we are.”

While Perel has observed the destructiveness of artificial intimacy across all socioeconomic groups, she has noticed a particularly negative impact amongst young adults, especially for boys and young men.

“While artificial intimacy is bad for the girls, it’s worse for the boys,” Perel said. “The rise of the level of loneliness (amongst young adults) is very dear to my heart.”

This article originally appeared on Austin American-Statesman: Esther Perel at SXSW: Artificial intimacy behind rise of loneliness