Outdoor crooks: Falcons and cape buffalo expose lack of smarts

The overwhelming request from many of my semi-regular readers is more tales of outdoor crooks. And with that multi-request ringing in my eyes, I was downstairs going through some old files and came across a folder containing literally hundreds of dumb crook news clippings that I found delightful in the extreme.

All appeared in one or more newspapers across the country. I cannot testify as to when, but here is a sampling for your reading enjoyment.

This plan didn't fly

Our first example lives in Wyoming. He apparently wanted to participate in the sport of falconry in the worst way.

Well, he learned about a prairie falcon nest that was fairly near his home, and decided to go there and “borrow” a chick to raise by hand. If only it had been that simple.

The nest was located high on the side of a cliff. There was a rock overhang that gave it great protection from the weather and made it almost impossible for humans to get to.

But our lad would not be denied. His other “sport” was rock climbing, so he had all the gear necessary for achieving the nest and making his getaway.

His first mistake was probably attempting this venture in broad daylight. Not that climbing those treacherous rocks at night would have been very smart, but there probably would have been fewer witnesses viewing this very popular birding site and watching his every move.

They saw him come up over the top of the ridge high above the nest, and they even watched as he drove in some pitons (steel spikes driven into cracks in the rock to hold his ropes) and rig his lines.

He had lowered himself to just about nest height when the first of his troubles appeared. One of his pitons let go, and he suddenly dropped around 40 feet before reaching the end of his rope (sorry).

But stop he did, and very suddenly, too. Then another piton let go, and this time his rope was around one foot too long. According to witnesses, he did a picture-perfect belly flop right onto a large, flat rock.

Our boy survived, but he sure was broken up for all his efforts. He was expected to spend several months in the hospital as his bones heal, and he really didn’t need that spleen. And yes, he got a ticket for trespassing. Call it a little just dessert to aid in the healing process.

Loads of fun coming right at you

Our next tale comes from Texas, a state known for its tall tales.

It seems two young lads decided to poach a deer for a midnight barbecue. And there was a nearby ranch that was known for its prolific deer population.

With that in mind, one lad “borrowed” his sleeping daddy’s brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee, and off they went. And, for some reason, they decided to take the last 10 miles or so cross country, which was no doubt their second mistake.

After driving through several gates including some that might better have belonged in Jurassic Park, they reached a point where they figured they had to be on the ranch, got out in the bright moonlight, walked a short distance to the edge of a clearing, and began looking for a deer to shoot.

One of them spotted a whole herd off in the distance, and that bunch of “deer” was moving directly toward them. They each levered a round into their 30-30s and got ready for some real fun.

Suddenly the “herd” of deer broke into a run, and they were still headed right for our two yahoos. The ground began to rumble with the sound of their hoof beats, too.

Our lads did something smart for once in their lives. They realized something wasn’t right, so they both climbed into a nearby live oak tree. And that’s where police, game wardens, ranch hands and firefighters found them the next afternoon.

It seems they had accidentally entered into an exotic game ranch in the dark. The herd of “deer” actually turned out to be a herd of cape buffalo, one of the nastiest critters on this green earth.

And that particular herd of buffs must have been in a really bad mood. They turned that Jeep into scrap metal before the sun poked over the horizon. Then, in an apparent attempt to obtain another play-toy or two, different members of the herd took turns ramming into the tree in the hope of dislodging one or both of the boys.

According to what our lads told the cops, it almost worked several times, too.

They messed with the wrong people, and animals

This next tale is almost too funny to believe. It seems two city lads decided that armed robbery, which happened to be their chosen profession, would be a lot easier out in the country.

Country hicks, they assumed, had to be a push-over when compared to cynical city folks. So they headed out of town in a (stolen) car, bent on making a good haul for their efforts.

(You might be wondering how this could be about dumb outdoor crooks right about now? Don’t worry, I’ll get there soon enough, game wardens and all.)

Their first stop, which turned out to be their last stop as well, was a general store in a very small town. They walked in, one of them fired his gun into the ceiling to get everyone’s attention, and the other announced that a robbery was about to commence, “so be cool.”

Shortly after that announcement both of our young lads were dodging bullets from the proprietor of the store and several of the customers. They dodged around and behind some shelving, and finally made it out the back door and into some woods. Then they took off running for all they were worth, not knowing for a second where they were headed.

They were about out of breath when they found themselves at the far edge of the woods, surrounded by a bunch of white wooden boxes. One of them kicked over one of the boxes, apparently in disgust at their bad luck.

Regardless of the reason, it once again was not one of their smarter moves. Both of our lads soon found themselves surrounded by a huge swarm of very angry honey bees. More running, a convenient farm pond, and an impromptu swim took care of the bees.

They walked (in some agony, I do believe) for three more miles, finally finding some sheets of plywood and an old shack where they sat down to rest.

But just a few seconds later they were eating dirt as bullets started smacking into the plywood all around them. They began yelling that they “gave up,” and the gun fire stopped. They both stood up with their hands held high, and walked toward the line of uniformed law enforcement officers standing nearby.

In the next few seconds they both blurted out confessions, each blaming the other for their short-lived crime spree.

And the trainee game wardens who had been practicing their marksmanship on the shooting range, after getting over their shock and surprise, were more than happy to take our nefarious duo into custody until the real cops arrived. (Hey, I thought this one was hilarious, and couldn’t pass it up.)

Len Lisenbee is the Daily Messenger’s Outdoor Columnist. Contact him at lisenbee@frontiernet.net.

This article originally appeared on MPNnow: Outdoor crooks: Falcons and cape buffalo expose lack of smarts