Outside gender norms: Father's Day and Mother's Day aren't easy fits for LGBTQ families.

NEW BEDFORD — Father's Day and Mother's Day can be difficult for families in the LGBTQ community, said Eileen Dugas, executive director of The South Coast LGBTQ+ Network.

"LGBTQ+ and others based on family dynamics, foster care... there are many children who live in alternative settings and have a unique way of celebrating for that child based on their circumstances and their family makeup," added Dugas.

AJ Delsignor, who identifies as cisgender, and Jayden Vieira, a transgender man, recently moved to New Bedford from Pawtucket. Vieira gave birth to their daughter, Oasis, three months ago.

"We're gonna celebrate Father's Day, because we're dads," said Delsignor. "It's going to be our first, too."

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However, Delsignor said that in May, his husband received several happy Mother's Day cards. "I mean, their intention was good, but the ignorance was kind of there. They were falsely educated," he said.

"They were assimilating the cisgender procreation with the women title, even though he identifies as a man."

Vieira believes, simply, whatever day a parent wants to be celebrated is the day to be celebrated. For trans and non-binary people — non-binary people specifically — it's very different because they don't identify as as either gender.

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Vieira said he's seen people instead celebrate "Creator's Day" with their children. Vieira and Delsignor also plan to celebrate Mother's Day to honor their child's grandmother and other maternal friends surrounding them.

Celebrating trans and non-binary parents

In 2009, TransParent Day was created to honor transgender parents and parents who have transgender children. It's celebrated the first Sunday in November.

For non-binary parents, an orientation that identities not solely male or female‍, there is now Nonbinary Parents Day celebrated the third Sunday in April. Educator and non-binary parent Johnny Blazes created the day in April 2021.

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Vieira and Delsignor said they didn't know either day existed, but Vieira is now excited he'll have two days out of the year to honor him as a parent.

"I want people to be able to show their kids that you can choose how you want to be celebrated, and not have to feed into the gender norms of society."

For parents who transitioned while their children were older, celebrating Mother's or Father's Day can also be awkward for some families.

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In a USAToday column, Brynn Tannehill writes as a transgender woman, each Father's Day is a reminder of her transition. "Father's Day has become something of a yearly oddity," she said.

"It also puts on display how our culture struggles with anything or anyone who steps far outside gender norms."

Donnie Anderson, pastor of Pilgrim United Church of Christ in New Bedford, and a transgender woman, celebrates MorFar Day with her family instead of Mother's or Father's Day.

Anderson came out to her family when she was 69.

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Honoring her Swedish background, Anderson's young grandchildren refer to her as "morfar" which is a combination of the words grandmother (mormor) and grandfather (farfar) in Sweden.

"I don't even know how much they know about what it means. It's just, I'm this grandparent figure and that's what they call me," she said.

Children should decide the celebration

Anderson said after celebrating a Father's Day celebration in 2021, her grandkids suggested having a MorFar Day to honor Anderson.

"The kids don't love me because of my gender, the kids love me because they love their grandparent. And that's something that I am grateful for beyond words," she added.

Anderson does not want to be honored on Mother's Day or Father's Day, but instead uses the day to celebrate her daughters, daughters-in-law, grandmothers, stepsons and sons-in-law who are mothers and fathers.

"I see myself outside those gender roles, but I want to honor my kids who are parents," she said.

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Anderson said she hopes that eventually people will move away from specific days dedicated to mothers and fathers, and instead make it more about honoring people who provide parental care.

Ironically, the original founder of Mother's Day Anna Jarvis, spent the rest of her life fighting the holiday's commercial and political exploitation, telling a journalist, in 1940, she was sorry she had ever started Mother’s Day.

There is National Parent's Day, established in on July 24, 1994, on July 24.

Renaming Mother's and Father's Day

Traci Welch, secretary for The South Coast LGBTQ+ Network, fosters two children. She said she gets a card and hug from her foster daughter on Mother's Day.

"It's not just LGBTQ+ parents, every family has a different story and situation. And yeah, it can be hard for youth on these specific designated days."

In May, an elementary school in British Columbia canceled Mother’s Day and instead introduced "The Grownups Who Love Us Day."

The new, inclusive celebration will also replace Father’s Day.

"It isolates or segregates people," said Eileen Dugas, executive director for The South Coast LGBTQ+ Network. "I don't think they should go away, but we should consider celebrating these days as empowering how children see us.

"Less about giving a title to the people that love them."

Standard-Times staff writer Seth Chitwood can be reached at schitwood@s-t.com. Follow him on twitter: @ChitwoodReports. Support local journalism by purchasing a digital or print subscription to The Standard-Times today.

This article originally appeared on Standard-Times: LGBTQ+ families, trans and non-binary, on mother's and father's day