This is a parody of Elon Musk – please do not ban me from Twitter (or sue me)

(Before this column begins, I would like to make clear this is parody and SHOULD NOT result in me being banned from Twitter by free-speech-loving Twitter CEO Elon Musk.)

Hello everyone, I am noted billionaire spaceman-genius Elon Musk. I recently bought Twitter because I’m a free-speech absolutist, and now that I own Twitter I’m banning people who make fun of me because I’m an enigmatic man of mystery.

I also tweeted a picture of a Nazi soldier Monday morning. Hahahahahahaaaa! Isn’t that funny? I’m funny because I’m edgy and brilliant!

Please vote for Republicans, because I'm politically neutral

Not long after tweeting that Nazi soldier photo, I encouraged “independent-minded voters” to vote for Republicans in Tuesday’s midterm elections. I am independent-minded, which is why I’m telling other independent-minded people to vote for the party that will tax me less, even though back in April I tweeted: “For Twitter to deserve public trust, it must be politically neutral, which effectively means upsetting the far right and the far left equally”

LOL! I am a disrupter! I am also quirky and good at business! Please emulate me and be independent-minded and do exactly as I say.

All comedy is allowed, unless it's comedy at my expense. That is banned.

Shortly after closing on the Twitter deal, I tweeted that “comedy is now legal on Twitter,” and that was true, except for comedy that I, a free-speech absolutist and very funny human person, deem illegal.

For example, comedians Kathy Griffin and Sarah Silverman changed the display names on their Twitter accounts to “Elon Musk” and proceeded to send tweets like this one from Silverman: “I am a freedom of speech absolutist and I eat doody for breakfast every day.”

That is NOT comedy, and so I suspended Silverman (temporarily) and Griffin (still) for impersonating me, because I’m a big tough boy with thick skin who will not tolerate rule-breaking, unless it involves a political party populated with people who tacitly support the attack on the U.S. Capitol. (The insurrection on Jan. 6, 2021. was freedom of speech. Suggesting I eat doody for breakfast is not. If you were smart like me, you would understand that.)

Now, masturbation jokes? Those are funny!

You know what is funny? This tweet I sent Monday: “What do you call someone who is a master at baiting?” I later deleted that tweet because I didn’t want people to feel too jealous of my extremely mature humor skills. Am I a business genius? Am I a 13-year-old boy? Nobody knows, but I’m sure advertisers on Twitter will appreciate my carefully thought out plans for the future of this company.

The trolls in the leftist media will tell you companies such as General Motors, General Mills, Mondelez International, Pfizer and Gilead Sciences have paused advertising on my site. They base that on the fact that that is what those companies have done. (Facts will no longer be tolerated on my social media site – only free speech, as defined by me.)

Corporations refusing to advertise on Twitter are destroying free speech

I responded to all this by calmly and sensibly accusing any companies suspending Twitter advertising of “trying to destroy free speech in America,” showing my amazing grasp of what “free speech” means. (I did that shortly before banning comedians for tweeting mean things about me.)

None of that matters, though. Once companies see the surefire winning magic of my “Nazi photo/masturbation joke/endorsement of one political party/widespread hypocrisy” approach, they will come running back to the land of unfettered free speech. And if they don’t, as I wrote in a recent tweet, I will launch a “thermonuclear name & shame” campaign against them and call on people in the political party I endorsed to investigate them for violating my free speech, or something.

And remember – free speech costs $8 a month

This is all very high level genius stuff, and I certainly don’t except all you normals to understand.

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Moving forward, I will charge people $8 a month to be verified on Twitter, thus designating them as reliable sources of information. That’s because the going rate for free speech is $8 a month. I have an electric-car company and build rockets, I know these things. If you disagree, I will ban you for trying to destroy free speech in America.

Now please enjoy this glorious social media site while I lay off the entire team responsible for keeping Nazis off Twitter and brainstorm a very funny joke about farts.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

More humor and satire from Rex Huppke:

Lizzo plays James Madison's crystal flute while racists play dog whistles.

Sen. Lindsey Graham mansplains abortion ban: 'I picked 15 weeks.' Got it, ladies?

What Trump and his wannabes did in one weekend should scare us all.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Elon Musk hands out Twitter bans as advertisers flee. A parody.