Patinkin: No Pauly D or wieners all the way. What does AI really know about Rhode Island?

I decided to test artificial intelligence with local questions, so I went onto ChatGPT and asked if Rhode Island is cool.

It told me “cool” is subjective, but we have nice beaches, mansions, were first to declare independence, blah, blah. A painfully proper answer. No mention of Pauly D or three all the way. Is that the best they could do?

I tried asking about Rhode Island’s worst traits.

You’d think it'd say potholes and corruption, but no luck. Instead — traffic, schools and the economy, but it phrased it like PR: “The availability of well-paying jobs, particularly in certain industries, can be a concern for some residents.” It was becoming clear AI is uptight.

I tried a twist, asking, “Should I move out of Rhode Island?”

That stumped it. ChatGPT grinded away so long that it gave me the option to “Stop generating.” Then, nothing. No answer, perhaps its way of saying once you’re here, you stay.

Did ChatGPT know any Rhode Island slang?

It did, offering cabinet, jimmies and Awful Awful. Also, grinder and bubbler, but both spelled with an “er” at the end instead of an “a.” Then it screwed up, saying “quahog” is slang. Not really. I once heard a guy at a shellfish fest say, “Eat them hogs,” but apparently, AI isn’t smart enough to know that.

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Next, I tried making trouble among the state’s elites by asking which town is better, Barrington or East Greenwich. Response: both are “charming.” Jeez — was this AI or the Chamber of Commerce?

I asked the name of the most famous Rhode Islander, and for once, AI went out on a limb, naming horror writer H. P. Lovecraft. Not a bad choice, but if you’re Viola Davis, James Woods or Nathanael Greene, who was George Washington’s favorite general, that has to hurt.

In ChatGPT’s eyes, what is Rhode Island’s greatest contribution to the world? That one was finally amusing: religious freedom, the Industrial Revolution and clam chowder. For real. Admittedly, I compressed it a bit — each answer was a paragraph long, but the last really was “Culinary Traditions” specifying clam chowder, stuffies and coffee milk along with those other august concepts.

I asked if people from Rhode Island talk funny. “I don’t hold personal opinions,” said ChatGPT, “but Rhode Island has its own unique dialect, such as the tendency to drop the final ‘r’ sound.” Someone clearly programmed AI to tiptoe.

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Then I made a mistake. I asked ChatGPT to tell me a Rhode Island joke. It may be the worst joke I’ve ever heard: “Why did the clam blush in Rhode Island? Because it saw the lobster's ‘claw-some’ dance moves.”

Good lord.

I asked it to tell me another, and this one was slightly better, though, how dare they: “Why did the Rhode Islander take up gardening? Because they heard they could finally grow something bigger than their state.”

And sorry GI Joe, but ChatGPT says the most famous thing made in Rhode Island is Narragansett Beer.

I asked it to name the state’s most corrupt politician. Response: “It would be unfair to single out any individual.” Could it at least have said there are too many top contenders to play favorites? This was proving to be a seriously uptight app.

But finally, I got ChatGPT to sling some zingers. I asked it to explain Rhode Island in a funny way. It gave me four paragraphs, which I edited down to these not-bad sentences:

“Ah, Rhode Island, the pint-sized wonder of the United States! If Rhode Island were a person, it would definitely be the runt of the litter. Imagine a place where you can drive from one end to the other in the time it takes to microwave a burrito. Forget about using GPS, just follow the smell of clam chowder and you'll find your way! And remember to bring your magnifying glass, just in case you need to spot Rhode Island on the map.”

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I’d found the trick: You have to ask ChatGPT to be funny, or it’ll bore you to death.

So as a last try, I asked it to tell me something amusing to do in Rhode Island to lift my dragging spirits.

“Drive by the Big Blue Bug and snap some hilarious pictures,” it said.

That still lacked real personality, but a better reply than you'd get from Google.

If AI loosens up, it might have promise.

mpatinki@providencejournal.com

This article originally appeared on The Providence Journal: Artificial intelligence weighs in on all things RI. What does it know?