Patinkin: Time for Golfers Anonymous after many lost weekends

“Hi, my name is Mark ...”

… Hello Mark. Welcome to Golfers Anonymous.

“… and it’s been zero days since I’ve resisted my new habit. I woke up and couldn’t stop myself. So I did it again. I drove to a course and played nine.”

How did it go?

“I’m a beginner — how do you think it went?”

Don’t repress the feelings, Mark. You’re among friends at GA.

“The usual. Slices. Hooks, duffs, worm burners. It’s a nightmare, I tell you.”

Why do you think you can’t quit?

“Because then I get lucky driving a high straight one and I’m all in again.”

Isn’t that a good thing?

“But it’s swallowing my life — even when I’m not playing. My browser tabs are now all golf YouTube lessons, and forget watching the news — I’ve become a Golf Channel guy. I need help.”

When did this start?

“I played maybe once a year, badly, most of my life, then two months ago, I did a round with my son, and I can’t explain it. I got bit.”

We know. It happens fast.

“Three days later I bought a full set at Dick’s, and now I’m a goner.”

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How often do you … use?

“I’m so ashamed — sometimes three times a week.”

Who are your dealers?

“My courses? I’ve done Hazelton in Rehoboth a few times. Great course, but they’ve got this endless trench through three or four holes that eats balls. That’s where I got a 14.”

Ouch. What’s your usual hole score?

“Probably a quadruple bogey.”

Ah, a snowman; an 8. So it’s controlling your life?

“Totally. I scheduled a computer repair in Middletown, and when they said it would take four hours I was delighted, so I could play Newport National.”

Beautiful course.

“One of the best. But off the first tee, you have to hit over, I don’t know — 60 or 80 yards of deep stuff. The hazard from hell. And the same hazard on three other holes. Lost a ball in every one. Why would they do that to me?”

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Do you need a hug?

“And can we talk about the eighth at the Cranston Country Club? The green is an island. You miss it by inches on any side — kerplunk. It’s gorgeous, but whoever designed it wasn’t hugged enough by their mother.”

You’ve played a lot of courses in two months.

“That’s how bad I have it. Triggs, Swansea Country Club. I did an interview in Burrillville and on my way back, I passed Crystal Lake and screeched to a stop to squeeze in nine. Almost missed my deadline. Don’t tell my boss.”

We won’t. Did you play as a kid?

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“Me and my brother used to hack around. We thought a Mulligan was the name of a golfer, so we added a Nicklaus, a Palmer and a Snead to get more re-dos. I miss those days. Why is there only one Mulligan? It’s not fair.”

Have you thought of swinging slower?

“Of course. I always take three measured practice swings. Then I get hit by the illness.”

The illness?

“Where on the real thing, I lose my mind and I try to blast it 400 yards.”

And you chunk out a divot behind the ball?

“Or top it. Hit it off the toe, the heel.”

How would you describe your style?  

“Strictly swing and pray.”

We understand.

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“I used to want to be rich, see my kids happy, maybe own a waterfront mansion. Now, I ask the almighty for only one thing.”

Tell us.

“Solid contact. Which I rarely have. Especially on water hazards. The splash. Why always the splash?”

Get ahold of yourself, Mark.

“And why the slice? The duff? The shank, the whiff …”

I’m sorry. Our meeting time is up. What are your plans the rest of the day?

“Probably play another nine.”

Mark?

“Yes?”

I don’t think GA can help you.

— mpatinki@providencejournal.com

This article originally appeared on The Providence Journal: Mark Patinkin: It's time for Golfers Anonymous