PEA-can or puh-CON? This Thanksgiving, remember the traditions – and pies – that bind us

For the past 30 years, I’ve been the undisputed pecan pie king at my family’s Thanksgiving dinner. Well, that’s except for the one year when a newcomer to our family successfully dethroned me by telling a yarn of a story about how – at 8 1/2 months pregnant – she climbed a pecan tree on her grandmother’s Missouri farm and picked the damn nuts herself, risking her life, as she explained, for us. Oh, and her beloved grandma had just passed. Cry me a river!

Frankly, it didn’t matter what Megan’s pie actually tasted like; she had won the “personal courage” and “sympathy” vote. But talk about polarized families. With my family siding with Megan, I felt betrayed, not to mention I had lost my pie crown. Still, I got my just desserts: I blackballed this new in-law from ever being invited back. (Really, this was because she, her husband and that beautiful new baby moved to another state.)

Ah, Thanksgiving approaches and family is near.

Pie fights, generations at war

A few weeks ago my sister, Julie, suggested another bake-off, this time between my niece, who is studying to be a baker, and me. Julie thought it would be “great fun” to see the generations at war, not only about whose pie is best, but also about whether to use Karo (dark please) or maple syrup (sacrilege), or a dash of bourbon (absolutely) or a measure of dark chocolate (adultery!).

I put the kibosh on the idea because, really, who wants to be the uncle who crushes his niece in such a competition? Or who loses the contest on purpose so that the next generation can move on up? Not me! I say let there be peace on this holiday where we celebrate not only calories but gratitude.

Of course, I realize that this conflict is less fraught than many of the others that will be taking place around Thanksgiving tables this year. I had hoped after last year, when many of us did not break bread or gobble stuffing with our nearest and dearest thanks to COVID-19 lockdowns, that we’d be all ginned up with gratitude for this year’s family get-togethers.

But that’s not what I’m hearing. Instead we’re anxious about the debates to come – whether about the economy, climate change, the Jan. 6 insurrection, Biden vs. Trump (we missed that opportunity last year by forgoing the holiday) or what to do about the great divide between vaxxed and unvaxxed family members. As to that last point, I’ve always been a proponent of “my house, my rules,” which, in this instance, is to say if you’re not vaxxed you’re not coming to my table. (Unless you’re a kid under 12 and then I’ll put you at the children’s table, at least 6 feet from the rest of us.)

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But columnists can’t only be naysayers; we also have a responsibility to provide solutions to some of the most pressing issues of the day. According to the American Pecan Council, “In a world gone nuts, we need a nice, low-stakes issue to argue (about) with family and friends."

Which is to say: Is it “PEA-can” or “puh-CON”?

PEA-can or puh-CON?

I know, you might think this is a nutty suggestion. But it’s one I know from experience, a strange but oddly fun one. A few years ago, I mentioned in a radio interview that pecan pie is my favorite Thanksgiving dessert – even though it towers in calories over its holiday cousin, the pumpkin pie. I pronounced it “puh-CON.”

That did not go over well with many listeners who wanted to smack me with their wooden spoons for such an error. It’s “PEA-can,” they texted, emailed, messengered and told me in person. Generally a gracious person, I stood my ground: “A Pee-can is what you use when you can’t get out of bed.”

So, what’s the right answer? According to a recent poll, nearly 66% of Americans say “puh-CON” with the remainder, 34%, in the “PEA-can” camp. You see, I was right!

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Pecan experts and linguists have different explanations of how to interpret the pecan divide. Some say its North versus South. Others claim urban versus rural. While still others say the divide is another example of income inequality or differences in education. When I asked a representative for the American Pecan Council whether Republicans or Democrats were more likely to lean toward one pronunciation or the other, I could hear her laugh just a little as she gave me a syrupy, “No comment.”

Here’s the good news. “Puh-CONS” can coexist with “PEA-cans." These days, pecan is really just a nut and a pie, and we’re most likely to pronounce this delicious nut the way our parents and grandparents did, even if we hold vastly different views on politics, climate change – even COVID vaccinations. And it’s our pies – made by generation after generation – that bind us to each other and through time.

This year I plan to maintain my reign as the pecan pie king. But next year, instead of competing with my niece, I plan to suggest that we collaborate on the making of our pies, which is not a bad lesson – or metaphor – for Thanksgiving.

Steven Petrow, a writer on civility and manners and a member of USA TODAY's Board of Contributors, is the author of five etiquette books, including "Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old." Follow him on Twitter: @stevenpetrow

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: This Thanksgiving, resolve a nutty dispute: 'PEA-can' or 'Puh-CON?'