18 Mistakes Parents Made While Raising Their Kids That Had A Bigger Effect On Their Kids Than They Realized
A while ago, I wrote a post that shared responses from a Reddit thread where people opened up about the biggest mistakes their parents made while raising them.
HBO
Many members of the BuzzFeed Community related and shared their own stories about toxic missteps their parents made while raising them. Here are their eye-opening responses:
Warning: This post mentions eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and abuse.
1."My parents always made me ask for food and were very controlling about letting me eat foods like sweets and chips. This has caused me to hoard food and binge-eat, and I have always struggled to eat in front of my parents because whatever I eat is never healthy enough."
2."My family told me white lies to avoid dealing with my emotions about certain things. They sold the trampoline I loved without telling me; they put my pet asleep without telling me; they would show up to school (during sex ed) or call teachers without telling me. Now my main goal is always to never bother anyone, or I feel guilty if I act anything but happy. Parents in general put too much pressure on their kid's emotions affecting their own emotions. Parents often say, when you’re happy, I’m happy. It inadvertently makes the child responsible and in control of your happiness. It's fair."
3."My mom will tell me and my brother that my younger sister isn’t their favorite, but it’s super obvious. As a kid, all I wanted was a hamster, and my parents always said no, but when my sister asked they couldn’t get her one faster and then proceeded to get her two guinea pigs when she asked too. Another example is if I needed underwear or essential clothing, she will say no, but for my sister (who literally only wants to wear leggings and a shirt) my mom will go to the store and buy her a whole new wardrobe because she 'thought she’d like it.' It’s just super obvious to me and my brother."
4."They didn’t divorce when I was 10. They split up for a while, then got back together, then split up again, then got back together again until they finally divorced when I was 17. My mom and I had to move every time. They thought they were doing what was best for me by keeping the family together, but I just ended up not having a stable home while having front-row seats to their toxic relationship and constant arguing. Parents, don’t stay together just for your kids."
5."My parents use a phone monitoring and limiting app for all of my siblings and me. While I understand the filtering part, I think the time limits on everything are really annoying. But even worse than that is the constant access to everything I’ve ever done on my phone or computer. I think I’m a good kid. I don’t see myself as being untrustworthy. But when my parents can go through all of my text messages, apps, and websites, it makes me feel like I have to hide everything from them. I really do appreciate my parents, but it kind of hurts that they don’t trust me or respect any kind of privacy."
6."I’m the youngest of three, so when my sister did things, I would usually get dragged along. I remember when my sister wanted to get a bikini for the first time. After she tried it on, she showed our mom what it looked like, and our mom said, 'You’re going to have to do some crunches or something. Nobody wants to look at that.' And my sister definitely didn’t need to do crunches. So ever since then, I’ve had body dysmorphia and never think I look good in certain clothes because I always have a fear my mom is going to say something like that to me."
7."My parents had an extremely hurtful way of 'helping' me with my math homework. I was yelled at for not understanding fourth-grade math and crying about it. It makes sense when you're 9, I'd like to think? I didn't know a lot about that kind of math...interestingly enough, neither did they. So basically, I was screamed at and berated for not understanding something they didn't either. I just wish they could've seen it from my side. Now I feel like I lack any confidence or intelligence because all I hear is them telling me how stupid I am. Even though those are not the words they used, that feeling sticks with me."
8."My mom goes through my phone weekly. There's a fine line between being concerned about your child's phone usage and being plain nosy. She doesn't go through anything besides these apps: Messages, notes, contacts, and the call history. Why? because those are the apps where she can see personal information about me. On the notes app, I keep a 'diary' in the front, and every day I write down everything significant that happened and how I feel about it. She also BLOCKS MY FRIENDS FROM MY PHONE just so that I will talk to her more, and she told me this. My screentime average per day is two hours. I am not texting constantly."
9."My mother constantly vented about my father to my sister and me, even when we were very young. No grievances were left between just the two of them. My dad isn't a great husband or father, but he's certainly not a bad one either. Hearing this constant negativity warped my perception of him though, and we had a horrible relationship from the time I was a kid into young adulthood. We are better now, but it's still an awkward relationship. I feel like my mom was instrumental in creating strife between him and me, and I don't think we will ever recover to have a totally normal and healthy relationship."
10."My parents would punish me and all my siblings for something one of us did, even if they knew who did it, just to see if we would rat the guilty one out or they would confess. It was so unfair, and they didn't allow us to ask questions about the punishment."
11."I was the 'highly gifted kid,' and my parents always told me I was smarter than everyone else. Whenever I was being bullied, my parents told me it was because the other kids were jealous of how smart I was. (In reality, I was bossy and talked like, well, I thought I was smarter than everyone else.) I was constantly told I was smarter than my cousins, my stepbrother, and most other adults. Guess who now struggles with crippling perfectionism and OCD."
12."My mom was my 'best friend' as a teenager. She was always considered the cool mom. She bought my friends alcohol, and cigarettes, and let us drink in the house. She let me sleep at my boyfriend's house, and she called me out of school whenever I wanted. Sure, it was cool at 17, but I pretty much ruined my young adult life. I barely graduated high school, couldn’t get into any colleges, and developed an addiction to alcohol before I was 21. It didn’t stop until I finally cut off my mom and the alcohol followed. I’m now 26 with my own child, and while I’m not going to be strict, he certainly won’t be my 'friend' until he’s older."
13."I was never taught proper nutrition OR proper financial management, and now I have an absolutely terrible relationship with food and am only now, at 31 years old, somewhat gaining control of my finances."
14."My parents had a double standard for boys vs. girls. As the girl, I was expected to do my chores (housekeeping type of stuff) every day, but my brother never did any of his chores (weekly yard work) but never faced any consequences. Whenever I would complain about my brother's mess or bad habits (like puddles around the toilet, YUCK!), my mother would shrug and tell me to ignore it. But if my brother complained about my mess (like too much makeup on my countertop), I had to clean it up right away. It really taught both of us the wrong things. Boys don't have to help around the house or have consideration for anyone else. Girls have to work around the boys and give them a pass."
15."I was and, as an adult, still am constantly being guilt tripped by my parents. I was moderately spoiled, and my parents gave me a lot of financial support, but it wasn't unconditional. They'd bring it up constantly if I seemed even the slightest bit unenthused about doing something for them. Any time I tried to express myself or my concerns, they'd remind me how good they've been to me and how none of my other friends have parents who spoil them this much. I barely speak to my parents even though we live in the same house because I can't trust them enough to communicate my thoughts and feelings. I'm also always getting judged and never actually get emotional support if I talk about any struggles I'm having."
16."My parents got me into softball at a very young age. I love the sport, but they almost ruined it for me. I had hitting and pitching lessons twice a week from ages 9 to 18, played on as many travel teams as my dad could get me into, and was constantly being compared to the other players and my family members. My parents were SO serious about it! I think my dad missed his glory days of college baseball and was always trying to relive them through me. He wanted me to be great because he thought that made him great, too. I remember hearing the song 'Perfect' from Jagged Little Pill for the first time and just crying so hard because it described my life so perfectly."
17."The one thing I feel like my parents did that was the worst was neglecting our tooth care. They never told us every night to brush our teeth, and now we all struggle with that; we have a hard time remembering to do it, doing it, and [continuing to do] it."
18.And lastly, "The whole 'I'll give you something to cry about' schtick when your child is crying about something that isn't PHYSICALLY hurting them is so awful. My dad would say this to me when I was young. Crying was seen as weak in my house, and now I'm unable to express or talk about any emotions I do have, and it makes it especially hard for me in relationships."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
