Perspective: Some couples counselors are recommending pornography. Don’t take their advice
From the moment Brad and Jennifer sat down (their names have been changed to respect their anonymity) it was clear they were nervous to be there. Though they needed help, the couple said previous therapy attempts had “made things worse.”
A prior counselor had encouraged them to watch pornography together after learning of struggles with their intimate relationship. Brad was open to the idea, and Jennifer felt pressure to consider anything that could improve their marriage.
If they “both felt it was OK” and “shared that experience,” the therapist assured them pornography would help them — insisting that nobody, including their shared faith tradition, “has any business telling them what to do with their love life.”
Despite her gut saying otherwise, Jennifer decided to trust the therapist’s recommendation.
‘This doesn’t feel right’
It didn’t take long for the reality of what they were experimenting with to settle in. Jennifer felt her husband wasn’t connecting with her but rather with the screen. “At that moment,” she said, “I knew what our therapist told us was wrong.”
Unfortunately, this couple is not alone in their experience. We’ve heard numerous stories in which people were persuaded by therapists to use pornography. Over the last year, these accounts have frequently come up in interviews C.D. Cunningham has conducted exploring how therapy and the values of religious faith intersect.
One of the interviewees, Alison, was encouraged to turn to graphic novels and videos because her therapist was concerned she was being “overly prudish.” Even though this went against her personal values, the counselor assured her exploring these materials would help her “gain a healthier understanding of sexuality.” After Alison began to feel a spike in anxiety as a result of trying this recommendation, she was told by the therapist this was all the “result of ingrained guilt.”
Ethan recalled his therapist telling him, “You don’t have a pornography problem, you have a guilt problem.” This advice made him feel “way less guilty” about continuing to use, and he went “all in.” A few months later, his life was a “mess again,” but his therapist never brought up quitting or scaling back; “it was all about dealing with the guilt.”
Scott similarly recounted how as a teenager he was told by a counselor it was “normal for people to watch pornography.” Despite wanting to overcome pornography use, when he acknowledged in counseling that some part of him was still interested in seeking it out, the counselor suggested in order to be his “whole self” he should consider ways to use pornography even throughout a two-year mission for his faith tradition.
We’re genuinely mystified by these accounts. How could these professionals think this is helpful? Even if they sincerely believe so, therapists are required by codes of ethics to review risks as part of informed consent — something that doesn’t come up in any of the experiences cited. And yet, it’s clear the use of pornography held risks for these individuals.
Related
A ‘therapeutic’ tool?
The reality is that certain professional organizations have been encouraging counselors to view pornography as an aphrodisiac for decades without sufficient consideration of the negative risks to relationships and individual well-being. For instance, over 85 studies link porn use to poorer mental-emotional health and poorer cognitive outcomes. And more than 80 studies link porn use to less sexual and relationship satisfaction, with dozens of additional studies linking porn use to sexual problems and lower arousal to sexual stimuli.
The smaller subset of studies claiming benefits associated with pornography tend to be self-reported, short-term, and without fully integrating the perspective of a user’s partner.
We also wonder, how do therapists recommending such content ensure no one was abused, underage, or trafficked in the creation of the content a client will encounter? How do they ensure minors living in the same home as the client(s) will be fully protected from secondary exposure? And, how are unforeseen consequences tracked or monitored, if at all?
The truth is, not only is pornography not created with therapeutic intent, but too many contemporary videos are also rife with exploitation and coercion. In 2021 alone, by force of law, one of the world’s largest pornography websites purged its online platforms of nearly 80% of its content because the age of those in the pornography could not be verified or was confirmed to include minors.
It is hard to know how many counselors encourage pornography use today since comprehensive surveys of the mental health field do not exist. We do know therapists who identify religion as “very important” to their therapeutic work have a significantly more skeptical attitude toward pornography. While this makes intuitive sense, it also adds to the confusion for clients who unexpectedly run into pro-porn attitudes from counselors they’ve sought out specifically because of their faith-based background.
The true impact on relationships
Pornography has been repeatedly shown to deteriorate relational health rather than help it — with respected relationship researchers, Drs. Julie and John Gottman, saying as much in a 2016 “Open Letter on Porn.” After emphasizing the strength of the research confirming “pornography can hurt a couple’s relationship,” they state, “we are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, porn poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony.”
In the case of Brad and Jennifer, shortly after starting their therapeutic “homework,” Jennifer had never worried about the potential impact of pornography on her husband or marriage before. But seeing Brad’s reaction to pornography, she was understandably concerned.
Jennifer’s anxiety was well founded since research has confirmed solo pornography use on days when couples later have intimacy is related to increased partner sexual distress.
What hurting couples need
Like many couples, Brad and Jennifer had stopped nurturing their marriage in the mix of careers, kids and life. It was a process to learn to start putting attention back into their marriage. They also needed help remembering how to share themselves emotionally and sexually.
Brad and Jennifer began to reconnect after healing the damage from prior experiences and learning to foster the kind of intimacy that reinvigorated their marriage in healthy and respectful ways. But we have to wonder about those couples who don’t wake up to the long-term consequences of this kind of bad advice.
Consumers of mental health services need to think for themselves and ask their own questions, especially when sensitive issues or topics are in the mix. Some questions to consider:
Is the therapist sharing similar sexual and relational values, or willing to be respectful of yours if they are different?
Does the counselor inform you of potential risks and benefits of all recommendations?
Does the therapist follow the updated ICD (International Classification of Diseases) guidelines which include compulsive sexual behavior disorder as a recognized mental health condition?
Mental health providers have a duty to be mindful of the position of authority they inherently hold relative to a client’s beliefs, spiritual orientation, values and goals. It is one thing to therapeutically explore the impact pornography is having for a client who is independently choosing to consume it, but when recommending pornography as a new intervention, it is important for therapists to openly acknowledge their own biases and to ethically communicate the very real relationship risks.
Names of all clients and interviewees were changed to protect their identities.
Jeff Ford is a licensed marital and family therapist and has counseled individuals and couples for over 20 years. Ford graduated from Purdue University. He has also served on the Utah Coalition Against Pornography Board of Directors for many years and has helped individuals receive accurate and healthy information about the effects of pornography.
Jill Manning is a licensed marital and family therapist and a founding board member of The Institute for Mental Health Professional Standards. She is a former Social Science Fellow at the Heritage Foundation in Washington, D.C., and while in this role testified before a U.S. Senate subcommittee about the harms of pornography.
C.D. Cunningham is the managing editor of Public Square Magazine. After graduating from BYU-Idaho, he studied religion at Harvard University.
