Perspective: Dwight Howard showed us good parenting, not bad
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Former NBA star Dwight Howard faced down the internet on his parenting methods last week after he posted a short video of his son in their home gym being coached by his dad.
In the clip posted on Instagram, the former all-star Orlando Magic player is seen with his 9-year-old son, who is riding a stationary bike. The child is upset, crying out that he can’t do another rep on the bike, as Howard rubs the boy’s chest and tells him he can. The caption reads, “I’m just teaching my kids what it means to be resilient, to be determined and to have discipline.”
By the third round, the boy’s demeanor changes. His face is determined. There is no crying. He makes it through and hops off the bike, and his father says “good job.”
Yet the comments under the post are filled with people calling the scene “torture” and “abusive,” even as others applaud Howard for being a dedicated dad.
“(This is) what a lot of the youth suffer from not having these days,” one comment read. “Dad to dad. Thank you.”
So, which is it? Is Dwight Howard a monster for pushing his son to exhaustion or a hero for coaching him through difficulty?
This tempest on a two-wheeler reveals a couple things about modern parenting, especially when parenting is seen on the internet.
First, there is a tendency to assume that one moment of parenting is the totality of a person’s parenting. It’s not. If Dwight Howard, or anyone else, does one thing that you wouldn’t do with your child, really, it’s fine. There are probably a thousand other things he does that look more like the parenting that you do.
Second, there is a modern tendency, amplified by social media, to assume that every unpleasant experience constitutes trauma. It does not. For a dose of perspective, here is Anthony Lindsey, a sometime-reality TV star, commenting on the post: “He’s riding a bike in an air conditioned mansion. Y’all act like he’s being beat.”
Everyone has a personal gauge for how much they’re willing to push their kids. In my view, what Howard was doing is what parents — and especially dads — are supposed to do.
Life will not come without stress for Howard’s son. Pushing him past what he thinks are his limits, in a controlled environment, is not abuse. It’s teaching him what his body and mind can overcome. And it may be unfashionable to note this these days, but this is an area where dads can shine. There’s good reason to let them, instead of pathologizing masculinity, as the American Psychological Association did in 2018, declaring “traditional masculinity” with its emphasis on adventure and risk, among other things, as “on the whole, harmful.”
Related
As parenting styles in America advanced from the hovering of helicopters to obstacle-clearing snowplows, research suggests that making life easy for your kids is bad for both parents and offspring.
Intensive parenting leaves parents spending more time and money on parenting, with questionable outcomes. Some studies show college students with “over-controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction with life,” as they missed out on independence, grit and the executive function developed when they are left to try and fail on their own. Teaching kids that ordinary or slightly unpleasant experiences are dangerous and traumatic can have long-lasting impacts on their emotional growth as they tend to get anxious when faced with minor obstacles.
Maybe it’s the physical nature of Howard’s parenting that made some people uncomfortable. But learning to channel and tame physical aggression and daredevil traits in the presence of a father is one way that boys become healthy men.
As Spartan Race founder Joe DeSena has said about pushing his own kids to their physical limits: “You only have a limited time with them to instill the values you want to instill. I say to always choose the hard route when making a decision. Ask yourself, is this the easy thing to do or the hard thing? Do the hard thing. You do your kids a disservice if you’re not exposing them to tough times.”
Doing the hard thing takes practice. Starting with small challenges in childhood is a foundation, whether it’s doing burpees in the backyard or acing a school project without Mom painting styrofoam planets for you.
Meanwhile, Howard shows no signs of wavering in the wake of criticism. He has since posted two more videos of his workouts with all of his kids. In the most recent, he’s teaching them to do a box jump. It’s clear they think it’s too tall for them, each faltering before they try.
But Howard holds his daughter’s hand as she successfully makes her jump. When his son takes his mark, he bounds onto the top of the box cleanly, and all the kids erupt in cheers as Howard beams in the background.
Mary Katharine Ham is an author, speaker, podcaster and mother of four. Her most recent book, co-authored with Guy Benson, is “End of Discussion: How the Left’s Outrage Industry Shuts Down Debate, Manipulates Voters, and Makes America Less Free (and Fun).”
