Perspective: Happily never after — the tragedy of the ‘stay-at-home girlfriend’
In the seething, solipsistic abyss that is TikTok, a writer for The Wall Street Journal recently discovered a new breed of women.
Or rather, an old breed with a catchy new name.
They are “stay-at-home girlfriends,” or SAHGs, and they are exactly what you might think: glamorous young women who are forsaking gainful employment in order to make better the life of a man.
In her piece, Rory Satran explained that the stay-at-home girlfriend is “all about supporting your boyfriend with tasks like cooking and housework, plus a rigorous self-care regimen to keep up appearances.” She adds, “The phenomenon reflects a Gen Z move away from mid-2000s ‘girlboss’ hustle culture, and toward aspirations of a softer life.”
A softer life, maybe, but a harder body, for sure. These sorts of arrangements, in previous generations, would be described as a “kept woman.” Someone told me of a similar relationship she knew of, in which the stay-at-home girlfriend’s “job” was to “look amazing and go to the gym.” Nice work, if you can get it, I guess, and if you have a contract that says you can never be fired.
Unfortunately, the stay-at-home girlfriend is the very definition of expendable, and unless these young women are shrewdly putting their allowances away and have already acquired some marketable skill, they may find themselves in precarious circumstances as they age. Neither potential employers nor potential boyfriends in the future will be impressed by a resume of “puttering around modern high-rise apartments, pushing Dyson vacuums and spoiling small dogs.”
Perhaps what is most disturbing about the article is that none of the women seem to see their arrangement the way many others would see it.
The stay-at-home girlfriends engage in mental gymnastics, insisting that their arrangement helps either their side gigs as social-media influencers, or their peace of mind. One said about her time being financially supported by boyfriend, “I just felt like I didn’t have to experience as much stress, and I was really able to be my best self and do a lot of self-improvement.”
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There’s no question that it’s tough to be a young American these days, what with the isolation and anxiety of the COVID-19 pandemic, the exorbitant costs of rent and home ownership, political division, world upheaval, and the changing social landscape that sees Zoomers eschew traditional forms of social engagement for dating apps.
But one can have empathy about the big picture while still thinking that something has gone terribly awry in some aspect of Americans’ child-rearing. From the videos of young workers crying about having to work eight hours to the blissed-out oblivion of the stay-at-home girlfriends, there seems a generation of hedonists in our midst, even if you don’t care about the moral issues involved.
The talk-show host Laura Schlessinger is one of the few thought leaders who do care about the moral issues involved. She still calls cohabitation what it was widely called not so long ago — shacking up — and urges parents to take a strong stand against it, whether or not the woman is working.
While some of the stay-at-home girlfriends — and their partners — insist that theirs is a temporary arrangement en route to marriage, they seem unaware of the research that says cohabitation is a perilous project associated with reduced odds for marital success. Moreover, they seem to want to be married, just without that scary commitment.
One of the boyfriends told the Journal, “I’m always working, always grinding, always studying. I think it’s important to have someone in your corner that is there for you and understands your needs and your wants.” Well, yes. That’s one of the many benefits of marriage. He’s 26; his stay-at-home girlfriend, 25. It’s unclear what they’re waiting for.
So-called “trad wives” have been roundly mocked by progressives, as have “dependapotamuses,” a cruel epithet for women who rely on their spouses for support. But the stay-at-home girlfriend, however cringey, has a vulnerability that married women don’t have and as such deserves not mockery, but empathy. Hers is the ultimate “at-will” employment, more onerous than 9-to-5 jobs in the marketplace. It’s not a precursor to a long and satisfying union; it’s a recipe for happily never after.
