Pete Davidson and Horse Sperm Make Their Grand ‘Kardashians’ Debut

Praise be to God (Kris Jenner) and glory in the highest, as The Kardashians Season 2 is winding down on a much higher note than the rest of this drab season has sung. In their penultimate episode, our fearless family is knee-deep and two-ribs-removed in their Met Gala prep. Like the last couple of episodes, each of the sisters is keen to remind us that this is the first time their whole family has attended fashion’s biggest night as one big allied power.

Presumably, they’ve rented out the top floor of a swanky New York hotel, because they’ve come prepared with hordes of people, an entire studio’s worth of material for private photo shoots, and a vat of oil to fry some dough for a little post-Gala treat. What, you don’t travel with a small army of people to make sure that you can have fresh donuts whenever you want them?

Rounding out our cast of players are Pete Davidson—who finally makes an on-screen appearance as Kim’s Gala date, after being referenced off-camera all season long—and Blac Chyna. Chyna is tangentially existing within the KCU (Kardashian Cinematic Universe) as the verdict for her defamation suit against the Kardashians looms.

Met Gala day is also jury verdict day, and as the family waits to find out if they’re due to pay millions in restitution while being squeezed into priceless couture, everyone (well, except for Kool Kourtney) is awash in a fugue state. Kim is running manically through the streets, covered by umbrellas; Kris needs a martini stat; Kendall can’t stop talking about horse sperm; and Khloé is one gust of wind away from crumbling into a panic attack. So, a typical week for these gals. Let’s get into it!

Kyndall: I have to admit, when I saw last week’s preview and realized that this entire episode would be about the Met Gala and the continuation of this defamation trial, I was pretty bummed. But this episode was surprisingly fun. The best you can hope for with this show, now that the Kardashians are bonafide A-listers, is some bizarre, illuminating quote or insight into the ridiculous behaviors of mega-rich people. And I feel like we got a bunch of those, from Kim’s entire Marilyn Monroe obsession to Kendall buying horse sperm.

Coleman: Somehow, when the episode opened on a prayer with Kim, her hairstylist, her makeup artist, and Khloé—who is one migraine pang away from toppling over—I had a good feeling about this one. They’re all holding crystals and talking about how they truly believe Marilyn Monroe and her makeup artist are looking down on them from Heaven. Like, no, they’re doing Olympic gymnast-qualifying handsprings in their graves. This kind of pure psychosis is what I have been craving all season long. Well, that and a shot of Pete Davidson, but we’ll get there in a sec. First, back to Kendall’s hunt for equine sperm.

Kyndall: I say this as someone who is the opposite of an animal expert. I had no idea horse surrogacy was a thing? The fact that Jenner had to explain it in her confessional tells me that it’s not something the average human being knows about. Somehow this was less gross to me than a bunch of dead woman’s items just hanging out in Kim’s hotel suite. I was furious that the people at Ripley’s just let her borrow this stuff when they were initially so protective of the dress! I also couldn’t take Kim screaming at her family and staff not to touch Marilyn’s items. Why is she the only one who can destroy precious relics?

Coleman: You’re so right—both things were equally gross in different ways. Kendall’s mission to genetically craft the perfect horse for herself by seeking out some award-winning animal sperm is very much, like, bored rich person behavior. It was also giving me that Britney Spears tweet of Britney and the horse, where she captioned it, “LOVE IS BLIND.”

Kim should actually take it as a slight that the Ripley’s manager joked with her that she should come work as an archivist, because she’s so concerned with the preservation of these artifacts. “Come work with us, where we do a shoddy job by loaning out priceless history for people who can pay top dollar!” The lack of real affection for Marilyn is made clear by Kris’ “portrayal” of Jackie Kennedy too—even though she did look pretty stunning, despite begging everyone for a martini as Blac Chyna’s trial verdict started to roll in.

Kim Kardashian Fully Believes She’s a Method Actor Now

Kyndall: Praise God, we don’t have to hear about this boring ass trial anymore! Although, I did appreciate seeing their reactions to the verdict. This was the first episode where I believed the defamation case meant anything to them. They seemed genuinely surprised when the jury found them not guilty. I spent the last few episodes trying to evaluate the stakes of this trial, and it sort of clicked for me this episode that the Kardashian clan, in its current era of decline, simply needed a win.

Coleman: I swear to you, I was going to say the exact same thing. It was certainly not about the money—Kim’s “joke” that they should sue Blac Chyna for their attorney fees now that they’ve won the case was especially pointed—and Kris crying in the car on the way to the Met confirmed that. “We are winners across the board!” she gasped through her tears.

I think that in the family’s current state of flux, they really just needed to know something was going to work out in their favor. And now that they’re free of that weight, they can head off to their event with one less worry. Well, except for Khloé (who is seconds from a breakdown), Kim (who needs to change on the red carpet), Kendall (who has to pee), and Kourtney (who never cared about the trial at all and seems to be flying high on the state’s finest salvia).

Kyndall: I read “salvia” as “saliva,” as in Travis Barker’s saliva. And you know what? Either one works. Kourtney also explained to us that she and Travis tongue-kiss to avoid messing up her lipstick, which did not make it any more excusable in my mind. But I digress!

Let’s move onto the more exciting couple in this episode. Kim and Pete gave us more charming banter than Kravis could ever utter in between “babes.” I’m not as enamored of Davidson as the rest of the country and seemingly every hot woman in Hollywood. But I did laugh when he said he wanted his and Kim’s first red carpet to be the Kids’ Choice Awards. The way he complimented Kim for curving at the last Met Gala in a super polite way? Adorable.

Coleman: When I tell you that I nearly threw my laptop through the wall once we finally caught a glimpse of Mister Davidson’s nine-foot-tall frame. This is the moment we have waited for since last season that the powers-that-be have continually taken from us! I was honestly surprised they even still kept his scenes from this episode in, but thank god they did.

Maybe I fall prey to charmers easily (I do), but Pete is so naturally charismatic with Kim that I had to open my window to let in the crisp air of New York’s first 40-degree day to keep from overheating. They have surprisingly organic chemistry! Somehow, he’s able to pull some humor out of Kim’s rigid composure. And he’s right: They should’ve made their debut getting slimed at the Kids’ Choice Awards. (Please clap for me resisting jokes about jealousy and slime.) It would’ve been a reason for them to take a longer post-event shower than they did after the Met, which nearly sent me flying through the computer screen, Blue’s Clues-style.

But enough about my lust here! Kim’s breakdown when they went a block too far to get out of the Gala would send me packing too, I think. I can see why these two lovers were ultimately—sadly!—doomed.

Kyndall: LOL. Yes, let’s cool down over there. Lastly, I just want to mention the group’s post-Met Gala meal, which consisted of, as far as I could tell, room-temperature pizza and the world’s tiniest donuts. This isn’t the weirdest junk food combo, but it’s also not a pairing people who regularly eat carbs would order, which made this “look at us being normal!” sequence so funny. Why not pizza and mozzarella sticks? Or pizza and garlic knots, with those little containers of gelato for dessert? Also, the way Kim was biting—tugging, rather—on her pizza slice made it look like she was eating the hardest crust in the world. This woman clearly doesn’t know how firm a pizza crust should be, because she was acting like this was normal.

Coleman: She looked like a hyena from The Lion King eating the rotting flesh off the dead carcass in that elephant skeleton graveyard after Simba and Nala dip. Or is that a memory only I have? Very strange behavior. Actually, I would posit that Pete—a known Staten Island boy—might’ve broken things off because they couldn’t enjoy a New York slice without her throwing it around and biting it, like Jodie Foster in Nell trying to discover what real food is for the first time. She’s up in the clouds and he’s down to earth. Oh well, more for me!

Sibling Superlatives

Strongest Sister: This week’s prize goes to Kendall Jenner, who we’ve previously ragged on for her lack of a perceptible personality and boring business ventures. But this week, her presence added an extra layer of stupidity and bizarreness that’s been missing from the last few episodes. I appreciated her talking about Olympian horse sperm and connecting this to having an Olympian parent. She had a super insightful explanation for bleaching her eyebrows at the Met: “It’s the Met.” She also had this to say about her very unique mental health struggles: “The weirdest part about anxiety and panic attacks is that they just come sometimes for me.”

Most Not-Risky Risk-Taking Move: Kendall, who spent a bulk of this season trying to convey how m-m-m-major it was for her hair to be—wait for it—RED, took another wild and unpredictable turn for the Met Gala red carpet. Hold onto a stable surface here, because what we’re about to tell you may shock you. She had bleached…brows. You know, the feature-defining move people have been doing forever. “My eyebrows are definitely a riskier choice!” Kendall said in her confessional. “Why not go for it?” Yeah, why not go for it? AKA, give me your ticket.

Kim’s Best Tip From “Law School”: Kim is obsessed with reminding us that she’s in “law school,” which is actually an apprenticeship, and sharing what she's learned. Usually, she’s just reiterating common knowledge about the court system and information you could pick up watching Judge Judy. This week, she offered this useful nugget, in response to the Blac Chyna verdict: “This was the best lesson in law school because you never know what the jury will really say. It’s a jury.” Thank you, Kim. I can represent myself in court now!

Most Real New Yorker Moment: Not to be broken records here, but this was Kendall’s episode for once! On the way to the Met, Kendall desperately needed to pee and—with several cars piled up waiting to release their ultra-famous cargo onto the red carpet—had nowhere to go. Like MacGyver himself, she has the bright idea to pee into the ice bucket in her limo that held her champagne. Peeing in a bucket is very real, but if she wanted to truly be a woman of the people, she’d squat between two cars a block away from a hole-in-the-wall Brooklyn concert venue while being covered by her friends on the lookout for cops, like a real New Yorker.

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