Politics? TV? Once he's brought from his perch, what will the Independent Man do next?
Hello, Mr. Independent Man. May I have a word?
“What the heck are you doing on my perch?"
I heard you were coming down, but no one’s saying where you’ll go, so I thought you might want a promoter.
“You mean you want to market me?"
Heck yeah. You’re a sought-after star, and arguably a free agent once you come down. Maybe we can find you a better gig.
“What do you have in mind?”
For starters, there’s a bid to put you on top of Boston’s State House. Massachusetts is seven times bigger than Rhode Island, so that’s a step up.
“Sorry, I’m a symbol of having left there to find freedom of conscience here, and I’m not going back.”
Would you consider Worcester? They’d like you, too.
“Hasn’t Worcester stolen enough from Rhode Island?”
How about other states? Florida has an offer to put you on the Tallahassee State House.
“I hear the governor there hates Mickey Mouse. If icons aren’t sacred there, I worry I could be next.”
No problem – a ton of agencies would love you on their influencer roster.
“What’s an influencer?”
Someone with followers.
“Don’t I already have those?”
I’m talking millions.
“How does that happen?”
By posting things like your daily skin-care routine. Or your latest dance. If you start going viral, people will pay you thousands to mention their products.
“Sounds shallow. Anything else?
A boatload of endorsement offers. Like one from a gold coin company – with you being coated in gold leaf, it’d be perfect.
“I don't know – those coin people seem sketchy.”
Everyone in politics wants you, too. For starters, the Democratic party. Would you consider a run for president?
“I thought they had a candidate.”
He’s 80, and that’s becoming a problem.
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“Well, I’m 124.”
But you’re in better shape.
“What’s their platform?”
That they’re anti-Trump.
“I mean what are their policies?”
Well, they’ve mismanaged their messaging so badly that if you ask most people what the Dems stand for, they’ll shrug and just say they’re anti-Trump.
“I guess I’ll have to pass.”
Fine – some Republicans want you to run, too. You’re tall. Good looking. And they worry Trump won’t win.
“What’s their platform?”
Recently they’ve been all about trying to shut down government.
“Probably not, then.”
OK – then maybe link up with Trump himself. They asked if you’d consider being his VP?
“What would my talking points be?”
To say at every campaign stop that the last election was rigged, and if you lose in 2024, to say that one was rigged, too.
“I don’t think we’d be a match.”
MSNBC would love you for one of their evening time slots.
“How would they position me?”
Trump’s been indicted four times – every one of your shows would be about the minutiae of proof.
“No other subjects?”
Sorry, on MSNBC, it’s mostly a barrage of details on how Trump is guilty.
“Darn.”
No worries – Fox News would give you an evening show, too.
“And my focus there would be?”
That’s easy – every minute of every night, talk about Hunter Biden. And "the Biden crime family.”
“That’s it?’”
Yessir.
“Politics has sure gotten weird since I was last brought down 50 years ago.“
Well, I also have a great pitch from Netflix – they want you to executive-produce series and movies.
“That’s not my expertise.”
No problem, executive producer is code for, “They’ve got money or fame, so we’ll just use their name.” Plus, they’d link you up as a superstar trio with Harry and Meghan.
“Remind me who they are again?”
Harry’s an English prince.
“But the Independent Man is a symbol of renouncing the crown.”
Harry is, too.
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“Oh, OK. What are they up to lately?”
No one’s quite sure. Mostly just being angry.
“Sorry then – not a fit.”
WWE wrestling also wants you. You’re in great shape, 11 feet tall – you’d dominate. Wouldn’t have to change your name. The Independent Man would be iconic – right up there with Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Dick the Bruiser.
“Who’s Dick the Bruiser?”
A wrestler from back in the day that the writer of this column idolized, so he threw him in here.
“Sorry, TV wrestling isn’t quite right for a historical icon.”
I’ve got other bids here. General manager of the Red Sox, quarterback for the Patriots, spokesperson for the Heavy Hitter …
“Thanks for the effort, but I don’t think this will work out.”
Why not?
“Because it’s clear the only place in America the Independent Man can continue to be himself is up here on my perch.”
mpatinki@providencejournal.com
This article originally appeared on The Providence Journal: RI's Independent Man is coming down from State House. What will he do?
