Poltergeists? Vampires? Americans are more afraid of root canals

Earlier this month, brimming with Halloween spirit, I posted my 15 favorite scary/creepy horror films on my Facebook page. In first place, I put “The Silence of the Lambs,” which infuriated one reader, who commented, “‘The Silence of the Lambs’ is not a horror movie.”

Seriously?

During the film, we discover that various characters have been kidnapped, tossed into wells, beheaded, disemboweled, skinned alive, chased through a spooky old house filled with ominous fluttering moths and — gulp! — cannibalized.

Well, OK, just his liver was cannibalized. With a side of beans. (I prefer mine with onions.) But, still…

I don’t know where you stand on “The Silence of the Lambs,” but it scared the hell out of me. Mind you, “The Sound of Music” did, too, so make of that what you will.

(Nazis, singing nuns and children forced to wear clothes made out of green-and-white patterned curtains? I couldn’t sleep for weeks.)

In related news, I started teaching an adult ed course last week at Ridgewood High School. The topic: public speaking, which, in keeping with today’s theme, tops lists of Things Most People Are Afraid Of.

Also prominently featured on these lists: rats, spiders, snakes and dentists.

As a kid, I was never afraid of any sort of doctors, although, in recent years, my prostate doc has been known to send a chill up my spine, especially when he reaches for his surgical gloves and sends a chill up my…

Whatever.

Use your imagination.

I’m fine with other doctors. And I’ve never been afraid of dentists, which brings us to today’s horror movie pop quiz…

True or false: In the 1971 horror film “Willard,” a disturbed young man keeps a colony of dentists in his basement. He feeds and cares for them, but they eventually attack and eat him for not flossing.

Other common phobias that frequently make it onto all those Scary Top 10 lists: Enclosed spaces. Open spaces. Lightning and thunder. Flying. Heights. Snarling dogs. Blood. Death. Humor columnists. And, of course, clowns, who are basically humor columnists with big feet who never learned to type.

So, what am I afraid of?

Funny you should ask…

I’m afraid I will one day lose my mind and buy a wig that I think makes me look sexy but actually makes me look like the love child of Lady Gaga and Larry from the Three Stooges.

I’m afraid I will strike the next person who doesn’t express shock when I tell him how old I am.

(Years ago, I would tell folks I was 50 and they would say, “No! That’s impossible!” Now, I tell them I’m 67 and they nod and don’t say anything.)

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I’m afraid of my new can opener.

For the record, I was never afraid of my old can opener, which was one of those run-of-the-mill black-and-silver things with a little crank on the side that worked fine until it got all gunky.

My new can opener looks like a computer mouse. It has no handles. And I only learned how to use it by trial and error. (I threw away the directions, because, hey, it’s a can opener.)

So, how does it work? Well, you kind of stick it on the top of the can and it starts whirring and spinning around without you doing anything. (Presumably, there is a battery inside, although I guess there could be an energetic cricket in there, running around in circles.)

The next thing you know, the top pops off the can but the can opener continues spinning around indefinitely on my kitchen counter, making this blood-curdling noise. And it keeps spinning and whirring and spitting diced tomatoes and creamed corn in my face while I yell, “Stop! Stop!”

But it doesn’t stop. And you can’t turn it off, because, once again, you threw away the directions.

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I’m afraid of opening utility bills.

I’m afraid I will have a fatal heart attack while filling my bathtub and the water will overflow and ruin my house.

I’m afraid when friends who aren’t Italian invite me over for a homemade Italian meal.

(In the early 1990s, my friend Chuck’s mother invited me to dinner at her lovely home in Memphis and made her homemade “Eye-talian” tomato sauce flavored with Jimmy Dean’s breakfast sausage.)

I’m also afraid of being trapped. In fact, when I wake up in the middle of the night, because I’ve just had a bad dream, I was most likely in a difficult situation where I was threatened and couldn’t get away.

I had one of these nightmares a couple of weeks ago. I was in a dark room with a giant rat, a giant spider and a giant snake — and no doors or windows.

I was just about to wake up when a giant dentist descended from the ceiling and ate them.

Happy Halloween!

This article originally appeared on NorthJersey.com: Can openers and root canals for this Halloween? ∣ Ervolino