Porn Stars Open Up About Dating Their Fans: ‘Proceed With Caution’
Dating has never been easier—or riskier—than it is now. Apps turn online dating into a game: upload a handful of photos (maybe they aren’t even yours?! Who would know?), rack up the likes, swipe right, and start meeting people instantly. Dating online is like dating blind without the connection of a trusted friend—you have to trust a complete stranger with no references. Given that 50 percent of people lie about themselves online, whether that’s their age, occupation, weight, height, etc., dating online carries an implied risk for users, even more so for public figures. Women in the adult industry often go out of their way to post watered-down, plain-Jane photos of themselves in an effort to blend, often asking themselves, Does this photo make me look like a porn star?
Hyperaware of how easy it may be for fans to recognize her, adult actress Arielle Aquinas, known for her parody role as the Infinity Gauntlet sex machine-wielding Thanos in the Avengers porn parody, chooses the photos she posts on dating sites with great care. “I don’t mind being recognized. I can usually tell right away,” says Aquinas. “They’ll start out saying something really sexual that has nothing to do with my bio, or they mention my job first.”
Some suitors have become very pushy, sending aggressive messages demanding they take the conversation outside the dating app (where it’s harder to block them). “I’ve had guys get furious when I wouldn’t give them my number. If you can’t understand from a safety standpoint why I don’t want to give you my number, you shouldn’t have access to it,” says Aquinas. “I had a guy go on social media and post the dating app I was on. I don’t want people hunting for me. It’s creepy when guys are like I saw you and then post it for everyone to see.”
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Safety is a top concern for dating women in general, but for sex workers, that risk increases exponentially. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 91 percent of rape and sexual-assault victims are women; further, one in five will be raped at some point in their life, yet rape is one of the most underreported crimes, with an estimated 63 percent of sexual assaults never brought to the police.
“I take precautions just walking around. You don’t get into cars with a stranger, so don’t get into someone’s car on the first date. I don’t invite them to my home until I know them really well but that has nothing to do with work, that just has to do with being a vagina,” says Tasha Reign. “People would laugh at me and say, ‘You’re a celebrity, you shouldn’t be online dating,’ but I always thought that was silly since everyone in L.A. is in entertainment.”
Reign, an outspoken sex-worker activist, found the online dating scene easier to navigate once she became more upfront about her career as an adult actress and what she was looking for: a relationship with someone who might want to settle down and have kids. Reign began treating it like a job; instead of giving up in despair, she worked to weed out the dates who expected her on-screen persona. “I’ve dated plenty of men and wondered if they were dating me for the right reasons,” says Reign. “Do they like me because I’m a porn star? Is that a cool thing to have in your pocket?”
By all accounts Reign’s efforts paid off: she’s happily settled in a new relationship with a guy she met online.
More often than not, the encounters some women have are so creepy they give up on dating sites long before finding a match like Reign’s. Alexis Fawx didn’t mind being single; her non-existent dating life was a non-issue. Her friends saw it otherwise, encouraging Fawx to join a dating site. Though it’s been several years since then, Fawx recalls her first (and last) date with someone she met online—an experience she doesn’t intend to repeat. “I thought this guy seemed possibly normal but the date went on for like eight hours and I felt captive,” says Fawx.
There were no red flags online; unfortunately, the warning signs didn’t materialize until later.
The adult actress suspected a little too late that her date recognized her and was more of a fan than potential suitor. “There was a point when he was trying to play it off and it got creepy,” says Fawx. “You know how people look at you and respond to you physically? It was like a fan who wanted to go on a date and not let you go. It was really creepy.”
Not only does dating online increase the chances of becoming a target but sex workers who become victims of sexual assault are rarely taken seriously by the authorities.
Dating fans isn’t necessarily a negative, but when they look at you and see a life-sized sex toy where a woman once stood, that’s a problem. No matter how much you try to blend in, to a fan you’ll always stand out—regardless of how many no-makeup selfies you post. Proceed with caution.
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