President Biden is dividing America with his hatred of balloons. Is nothing sacred?

President Joe Biden is again trying to divide the nation, this time by teaching us to hate the most American of all inflatable objects: the balloon.

Under the guise of “calming the public,” Biden came out of his lair Thursday to talk about the three high-altitude objects shot down last weekend by the U.S. military.

“The intelligence community’s current assessment is that these three objects were most likely balloons tied to private companies, recreation or research institutions studying weather or conducting other scientific research,” Biden said, divisively.

Why does President Joe Biden hate balloons so much?

I don’t believe in “scientific research,” but what I’ve decided to hear in that quote is this: Our commander-in-chief has declared war on all balloons.

Sorry, little Jimmy, you can’t have any SpongeBob balloons at your party this weekend, the president might send SEAL Team 6 to shoot them.

Sorry, Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta, you’ll have to be canceled because the president has decided to indoctrinate American youth and make them believe all balloons are evil.

Americans won't stand for Biden's big-government balloon tyranny

Well guess what, President Biden, if that is your real name. We the people are not going to stand idly by while you attack our God-given right to make balloon animals and send helium-filled Mylar offerings up to heaven as tributes.

WE WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO DESTROY OUR PROUD BALLOON-BASED CULTURE WITH YOUR GASBAG SOCIALISM!

The truth is, we should have seen this coming earlier in the month when a Chinese spy balloon was found drifting high above our great nation. Rather than immediately shoot that balloon down and give patriotic Americans the chance to bravely die in a hail of fiery latex, Biden waited to down the flying object until it was “safely over the ocean.”

Did he do that because he’s a Chinese spy himself? Was he giving his son, Hunter Biden, time to get off the balloon before it was shot down? I don’t know. I’m just asking those perfectly reasonable questions so people will click on this column and read my perfectly reasonable online content, because I believe in capitalism, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE!!

Biden won't rest until all American balloons are gone, probably

Regardless, once that balloon was gone, Biden went to what I assume is Page 1 of Saul Alinsky’s “Rules for Radicals,” a book I have not read, and did what all good America-hating liberals do. He found something Americans hold dear (balloons) and then turned it into the enemy (also balloons).

If I’m an American balloon owner, or an American balloon, I now have some existential questions for this president.

Some reasonable questions for our anti-balloon president

Is any balloon safe in Biden’s America?

Should we, the patriotic protectors of inflatable objects, now stand guard outside each Party City to fight off the inevitable Helium Purge?

Will the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade be outlawed for “national security” reasons?

How many clowns has Biden already had killed?

My family and I gather each weekend and use our gas stove to fill balloons with hot air. Can we still do this, or will Biden send his antifa goons to arrest and transport us to the nearest reeducation camp where memories of the movie “Up” and the Goodyear Blimp will be erased from our minds?

Even the Founding Fathers loved balloons, maybe

I’m not trying to stir up trouble here, folks, I’m just asking questions.

And while I can’t speak for everyone, I’ll tell you this much: My balloons will NOT go un-inflated. Whether by helium, by water or by the final breath in my body, I will resist this liberal tyranny and lay down my life to protect America(’s balloons).

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As John Jay, one of this country’s Founding Father’s said, “Distrust naturally creates distrust, and by nothing is good will and kind conduct more speedily changed.

"And if John Adams tries to take my balloon again, it will be pistols at dawn!”

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: President Joe Biden explains why high-altitude balloons were shot down