Psst: Building Trust In Your 'Ship Is A Lot Easier Than You Might Think
What’s hard to build, easy to ruin, and absolutely essential to any healthy intimate relationship? Trust. Your connection may start with a meet-cute and a spark, but for a relationship to have real staying power, you’ve got to be able to use the "T" word when describing how you feel about your partner.
"If you want a healthy, happy, long-term relationship, you’ll need to prioritize building and maintaining trust," Theresa Herring, a licensed marriage and family therapist says. "Without it, other things—emotional intimacy and connection—can’t fall into place."
Like a lot of important things in life, building trust doesn’t just happen. It takes work that amounts to much more than a few of those falling exercises from high school. But the result is so much better. For starters, you’ll feel secure in what you have, know your person won’t dip when things get wonky, and feel safe, embraced, and truly loved.
The bad news is that trust is a delicate thing. Everyone comes into relationships with their own previous histories, including those where trust may have been broken in the past. (Thanks for nothing, exes.)
However, even with all that might have occurred prior, you should know that it’s still possible for you to have, well, trust in your relationship. "I always think it’s better to take the leap and trust somebody until they show you they’re not trustworthy," explains Lisa Firestone, PhD, a clinical psychologist and senior editor at PsychAlive.
Ready to jump into it? Read on for everything you need to know about building trust in your relationship, according to relationship experts you can count on.
What is trust?
The word "trust" can be interpreted various ways by different people, and it’s often one of those things that you aren’t able to describe until you feel it. You know when you trust your partner—and you certainly know when you don’t.
"Trust is the feeling of emotional, physical, and psychological security generated when a person is consistent with their behavior," says Shawntres Parks, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Answering the question of "do you trust your partner" comes down to how much you feel you’re going to be supported by that person if/when you need them, Firestone says. More than feeling like you can trust what they say, you want to be able to know that if you need something—no matter how big or small—you can count on your S.O. "In our romantic relationships, we put our well-being in the hands of another person, which is a pretty scary proposition," she says. And it certainly helps to know that your person will be there for you when things get a little scary.
Why is it important to build trust?
Trust is the foundation for so many aspects of a solid relationship and putting in the time to create that bond will result in you feeling happier and more secure as a couple overall. "Everything else feels a little easier and safer when there’s trust," Herring says. On that note, here are some specific reasons it’s important to build trust in relationships:
1. It decreases conflict.
Everyone wants to feel calm and comfortable in their relationship—and not just when you’re cuddling on the couch, binge-watching your favorite TV show. But you know what doesn’t cultivate peace? Feeling like you must monitor everything your partner is doing, or anxiously wondering what they’re up to when you’re not together. The more those heightened emotions build, the more likely they are to come out at an inconvenient time. (And, at that point, usually communicated in a less-than-productive way.)
"Having trust in our relationships essentially means that we have security in our relationships," says Dr. Sarah Hunter Murray, PhD, RMFT, a sex researcher and relationship therapist. "That typically means we feel calmer and at ease versus feeling on edge, hypervigilant, and tense."
2. Trust gives people room to do their own thing.
Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you and your partner will always want to do the same thing on the weekends or have the same after-work routine. Trusting each other gives both of you the chance to do things separately and know that it will be great when you do see each other next.
"From my experience, trusting our partner means that we allow them space to be themselves," Murray says. "That means we give them space to feel what they feel, think what they think, and make decisions about what they do, without constantly scrutinizing, questioning, or judging them," Murray explains.
3. Trust creates a deeper connection.
Revealing your true self to someone, whether it's your deepest fears or your weird snacking habits, means putting yourself out there. It’s not an easy ask of you or your partner, but having a foundation of trust in a relationship does make being vulnerable a little easier as "we get to be our authentic selves, our partner gets to be their authentic selves, and as a result, we get to connect authentically," explains Murray.
How can you build trust in a relationship?
Dunno where to start? WH tapped some experts for suggestions on how to build trust in your relationship. And just a reminder: These tips are for you and your partner, so you might want to encourage them to read this, too,
1. Be there when they need you.
When life throws you punches, it helps to have someone to weather the blow with you. When these moments happen, being present for your partner and prioritizing their emotional needs is essential.
"If your partner knows that you will validate their feelings and avoid defensiveness, it makes it easy to trust you with their emotions," Herring says. And, odds are, you want a partner who can be there for you when you’re having a hard time.
2. Be responsive and engaged.
You know those times when you finish expressing your feelings, only to realize that nobody has been listening to you? Pretty much the worst feeling in the world, no? Plus, it’s certainly not the way to build trust.
"When you are communicating or spending time with your partner, be attentive and attuned to their feelings and experience," recommends Parks. "Being attuned involves using your non-verbal and verbal communication to show that you are paying attention to your partner and that what they express is important to you." Which means, yes, sometimes you must put the phone down. (You’ll survive!)
3. Be consistent and committed.
To build a strong house, you have to place brick after brick after brick for it to feel like a home. Relationships are the same way—they take committed and consistent actions which, over time, can spare you tons of doubt and stress.
"Anything that you do to build positive connection in the relationship has to be repetitive," Parks says. Commit to doing the things that you say you will—and not just long enough so you can get a pat on the back. Consistency is for the long haul.
4. Get in touch with your vulnerable side.
Bust down those walls, baby! Sharing things about yourself can be awkward, raw, and downright intimidating, but you gotta risk it for the biscuit. While it might not come easy to you from the get-go, it’s a great way to feel more comfortable with your partner.
"People think of vulnerability as weakness, and I think that’s such a mistake," says Firestone. "When you’re shut down to a person, they’re not really getting to know you, so how can they really be attuned to you? Or if you’re hiding certain parts of yourself, you don’t really feel accepted and loved. You feel accepted and loved for the fantasy that you’re putting out there, but not for who you really are." Noted.
5. Prioritize quality time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is another one of those get-off-your-phones moments. But chances are, you won’t develop a strong sense of trust if the only time you spend together is sharing TikToks. It means carving out time dedicated to each other, so those open, vulnerable conversations can happen.
"Prioritizing quality time allows you more opportunities to practice being emotionally accessible, responsive, and engaged," says Parks. "Quality time also helps you and your partner to build awareness about your personal boundaries and relationship expectations."
6. Set boundaries.
You love your partner and everything, but you also get to set good boundaries and decide when your business is just yours and when they can be involved. Setting boundaries will help your partner treat you how you want to be treated. "Without knowing your boundaries, it is likely that your partner will do or say something that will cross one or many of them," Parks says.
Don’t wait until your S.O. has violated a boundary to bring it up. Take some time on your own to identify your boundaries, and then set aside some time in your cals to have a discussion with your partner about them.
"You could tell your partner: 'My time is important to me. If you are going to be late, I’d appreciate you communicating that so that I can adjust my schedule accordingly,'"Parks suggests. Easier said than done, sure, but because this conversation is happening before any boundary has been violated, it’s totally non-confrontational.
7. Respect each other.
This might sound like a no-brainer, but it makes the list for a reason. Sure, it’s like the first rule of being human, but it gets taken for granted all too often. "Belittling, criticizing, and yelling erode trust—fast," Herring says. "Over time, it can make rebuilding next to impossible."
So, set up rules for your arguments, since that's when respect often becomes an issue. Agree to never resort to the things you won't tolerate. So, if that's name-calling or cursing at each other in the heat of the moment, identify those actions you want to avoid—and stick to your rules.
Want to get to know your partner even better? Try asking them one of these questions...
8. Don't bail on commitments.
Of course, life happens, and sometimes you must cancel your date because you're dealing with an unexpected problem at work. But as often as you can, show up for the things you've agreed to, especially plans you make well in advance. By sticking to the commitments you make with them, you're sticking to your commitment to them.
"Say what you mean and do what you say," Herring says. "If your partner can trust your word, that goes a long way."
9. Admit when you messed up.
Sorry, it’s gonna happen. When you are the one in the wrong, it’s important to acknowledge your error and apologize, says Murray. To prevent other doubts from creeping in, Murray suggests that couples be more accountable to one another and check in more often than they might have to to give that added reassurance.
10. Be open to feedback.
This doesn’t mean your partner should make a laundry list of all the things you do that annoy them (and vice versa). But for the big things, Firestone says it’s important that a couple feel like they can be open to each other and talk through issues constructively.
"Know that you have a part in how honest your partner is with you by whether you can really hear honest communication," says Firestone. Basically, if there are certain topics that you have big emotional reactions to, your partner is going to stop talking to you about those things.
11. Bring up issues as they happen.
When something in the relationship bothers you, don’t bite your tongue. You might think you're doing your partner a favor, but you'll likely end up airing your grievances in other (worse) ways down the road. No one wants to be the one who stews on an off-handed comment from three months ago, then starts an unfair argument out of nowhere.
This way, "your partner won’t have to worry that a bad mood is about them, and they can more easily be there for you," Herring says. "Good [and timely] communication facilitates trust."
What if I have "trust issues"?
If you’re bringing a few trust issues to a relationship, you’re not the first (or the last). And sometimes, your issues have very little to do with your current partner.
"I think issues around trust are complicated because it’s partly about whether a person is acting in a way to build trust," says Firestone. "But it’s also an issue of what you bring to the relationship and how trusting you are based on your early experiences."
The only thing you can do is be completely honest with your partner and let them know what's going on in your noggin. To keep anyone from getting defensive, Herring suggests clearly telling your partner how you feel and what you need from them. "If you make it about their actions, they’ll reinforce the insecurity you’re already feeling," she says. "Make it more about you, so your emotional needs are the ones in focus." Got it?
How can I rebuild trust in a relationship after it's lost?
Like a game of Jenga, once you pull out one block from the relationship puzzle, the remaining bits of trust can fall quickly. The most obvious example of how someone can lose trust in their relationship is cheating, but Murray adds that "we can also lose trust in our partner if they start acting more secretively or differently out of nowhere without satisfactory explanations, or if they don't keep their word, fall in a pattern of forgetting to call or show up on time, or if they seem to give conflicting details or mixed messages."
To get trust back in the relationship, you’ve got to start talking about whatever caused the issue in the first place. While that may not be something you or your partner can handle hearing about or talking about all at once, "it’s important, whatever the injury was, to be able to talk about it, but talk about it in a manageable way," Firestone says.
To get through those tough times, she suggests returning to that place of honesty and vulnerability. Having struggles is part of being in a relationship, but with a strong foundation, it’s possible to grow back together and into the future with your partner.
Trust yourself...you got this!
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