Puerto Rican counselor challenges Hispanics to parent without the fear of ‘la chancleta’

Although now it can be funny and is the star of viral videos, “the flying chancleta” was the childhood terror of many.

The power of the chancleta, or flip-flop, along with phrases like “Calm down or will I calm you down” or “Are you crying? I’m going to give you a reason to really cry,“ turned it into a symbol of discipline for several generations.

It’s reign as a relentless tool for obedience in some Latino households even earned the chancleta an appearance in the film Coco, made by Pixar and distributed by Disney in 2017. After all, who doesn’t recall being chased by their grandmother or mother with the flip-flop on hand, or simply obey the possibility that the threats of “un buen chancletazo” (a good strike with the flip-flop) would come true.

But times change, declared counselor Wilmarie Rivera, and it’s time to let go of the flip-flop, leash, and parenting techniques with threats or corporal punishment.

That is what the challenge “Crianza sin Chancletazos, ni Cantaletas,” presented by Rivera, is about.

The idea is to transition to “an upbringing that is free from yelling and threats,” Rivera said in an interview with El Sentinel Orlando. “We cannot continue with parenting styles of the past,” she added.

The licensed professional counselor in Puerto Rico and certified school counselor in Puerto Rico and Florida promotes “positive parenting” and provides tools to parent firmly, but from respect and love.

It is not about permissive parenting or, as they popularly say, “letting children do whatever they want,” but about instilling values, but involving children in parenting.

Drop la chancleta

“We raise our children according to how we were raised,” Rivera said. She understands that growing up under the famous “you obey or I punish you” can affect self-esteem or cause indecision in adulthood.

While the chancleta has served to reinforce the deep respect for parents in the Latino culture, Rivera understands that fearing them can have adverse effects on the future relationship between parents and children. Especially during adolescence, when fear can prevent seeking advice.

Therefore, her first recommendation for parents is to break with the idea that “I am the boss” that give way to phrases such as “because I said so.”

She explained that although the parents are in charge of the upbringing, “the father cannot see above that child,” Rivera said.

In other words, instead of imposing norms and demanding that they comply with a “don’t make me tell you twice,” Rivera urges to involve the children by explaining the rules. “The child has to know what those rules are and those rules have to be clear and also what the consequences are going to be if [the rules] are not followed,” he said.

As for punishments, she suggests teaching them the real consequences of their actions, but warns that “those consequences are not going to be flip-flops, nor are they going to be yelling. They are going to be natural consequences,“ Rivera said.

In positive discipline there are no punishments and no rewards. There is a lot of reflection and talks between parents and children so that they are the ones who think and make their own decisions, she said.

Instead of saying “you painted the wall and, well, from now on you are not going to paint anything else,” Rivera advises guiding those acts toward logical consequences. “For example, the child has to know that if he paints the wall, the consequence, what will it be? Well, you have to clean it,“ Rivera said.

Screaming less is not easy, but worth it

Rivera, mother of a 9-year-old girl, acknowledged that the concept is not a change that happens overnight. “It’s not that I’m not going to yell more, it’s trying to yell less and try to threaten less,” she said.

Therefore, monitoring your own and children’s emotions is part of this parenting challenge.

Fathers and mothers, she said, need a space to relax from the pressures of daily life. “Right now there is homeschooling. They are in the house. They are working. You know, the stress levels that are high right now.”

Giving yourself that space will help you manage key moments that are sometimes identified as simple tantrums or bad parenting, but can be signs of other emotions. “The child screams, the child pushes, the child bites and annoys to a certain extent, because that is the way he says I need something or something is happening to me,” she stressed.

Although frustrating, those moments are an opportunity to “teach them and put a name to that emotion,” she said.

The effort is worth it, Rivera assures. Positive parenting that involves your child can help you understand the consequences of her actions in the real world, she added.

The idea was promulgated 100 years ago by Alfred Adler, an Austrian physician and psychotherapist, who advocated “positive discipline,” a gentle and assertive approach to education and parenting based on mutual respect, according to child development experts at the CDC.

Currently, 70 countries recognize this approach to parenting. “Society has changed,” Rivera said. “Children have feelings and you have to take them into account,” she concluded.

You’ll find more tips from Wilmarie Rivera and the link to join the parenting challenge at Facebook.com/wilmarieriveraconsejera and Instagram.com/wilmarieconsejera.

*The story published in El Sentinel Orlando by Ingrid Cotto, a reporter for El Sentinel Orlando. To contact her, she writes to icotto@orlandosentinel.com.