Quick guide to etiquette in the time of coronavirus: 'It's gonna feel awkward'

In the span of a few short weeks, there are new questions about how we interact with one another during the pandemic. Etiquette experts say the rules are changing so quickly, they are having a hard time keeping up. (Design: Nathalie Cruz for Yahoo Lifestyle)
In the span of a few short weeks, there are new questions about how we interact with one another during the pandemic. Etiquette experts say the rules are changing so quickly, they are having a hard time keeping up. (Design: Nathalie Cruz for Yahoo Lifestyle)

The coronavirus pandemic has created new etiquette rules as more people physically avoid each other and instead interact online.

In the span of a few short weeks, there are new questions about how we communicate and connect with one another during the pandemic: Do we eat the baked goods a neighbor has dropped off? Is it appropriate to tell someone to “be well” in a work email? How do we comfort someone who is grieving when we can no longer hug them or send them flowers? How do we bow out of a Zoom cocktail party when we can’t say we have other plans?

Etiquette experts say the rules are changing so quickly, they are having a hard time keeping up. Jacqueline Whitmore, founder of The Protocol School of Palm Beach, says this is an unprecedented time in history when it comes to etiquette rules.

“There isn't a guide that we can go to. It's not like, Dear Abby was talking about this, or Ann Landers was talking about this 10 years ago. No one has talked about this until now.”

“I believe etiquette is most certainly pivoting and shifting and evolving daily,” says Elaine Swann, etiquette expert and founder of the Swann School of Protocol. “And so our communication model has transformed, and has shifted quite rapidly throughout this process, and the etiquette surrounding it has done the same.”

So, experts say we are all making up the rules as we go.

“I think one of the things we should really keep in mind is to recognize that things are going to be awkward. We're having to verbalize our intentions more now than ever,” says Swann. “And it's important that we do this in a graceful and respectful and meaningful way.”

Here’s some advice from etiquette experts around the country on how to engage with each other during these unprecedented times.

How do I decline social invitations when it’s obvious I don’t have other plans?

For those who normally decline social invitations by saying they already have other plans, it can get tricky when everything is closed and we are all clearly at home with not much going on socially.

If you’re invited to a Zoom cocktail hour and you simply don’t want to go, Swann says we have to go back to the core values of etiquette: respect, honesty and consideration.

“Now more so than ever, we really have to make sure that we're being honest with people. More often people think that etiquette means that you would evade the truth, but it's the exact opposite,” says Swann. “Etiquette would really state that you would tell the truth and that you would do so in a respectful and considerate manner.”

“When you are invited to a Zoom or other type of virtual gathering, it is not necessary or realistic to accept every invitation,” says Diane Gottsman, a national etiquette expert, author of Modern Etiquette for a Better Life and founder of The Protocol School of Texas. “Even when people know you may not have something ‘official’ going on, such as work, we all are living in various states of busy, doing things around the home and just doing our best to keep ourselves and our family going, our finances in order, our children calm entertained not to mention keep up with their online schoolwork.”

She says you don’t have to make excuses, just say something simple like, “Thanks so much but I’m going to sit this one out.”

Swann adds that the onus is on the party planner as much as it is the invitee.

“For the individual who is the planner, I think it's important for them to recognize that people really are quite different. Some people will want to... be connected with as many people as possible, and others may find more solace in being alone or being just with their immediate family members,” says Swann. “And so it's important for us to respect the other person's position, just as we would with anything else.”

How do I navigate email formalities during the pandemic?

When corresponding with colleagues and business associates, should we be acknowledging the state of the world right now? Do the words “be well” at the end of an email signify kindness, or is it trite? All three etiquette experts agree, it’s important to acknowledge the times we live in.

“The reason why is because you just never know what other people are going through. We can all assume that people are quarantining at home and doing all sorts of TikTok videos and eating all this food and trying new recipes and all that, but not everybody's doing that,” says Swann. “And so I think it is important for us right now to look out for our fellow man to check in on that person and first start that correspondence off by asking them how they're doing and wishing them well.”

Whitmore, who teaches email etiquette, says ending an email with “be well” is appropriate. And she says acknowledging the pandemic is a good idea, particularly if you haven’t spoken with the person in a while.

“I don't see anything wrong with it and I don't see anything wrong with starting your email with, ‘I hope you are well,’ or ‘I hope you and your family is well.’”

Gottsman agrees. “When you send out an email, you can mention that you hope they are doing well and if you want to say something like, be well or whatever comes from your heart, do so without worry,” she says. “As a matter of fact, this is the very time that we should be reaching out to people we know, respect and admire and let them know we are thinking about them and hope they are doing well.”

How do I maintain social distancing with neighbors without being rude?

Interacting with neighbors has gotten more complicated in recent weeks with social distancing mandates. Something as simple as walking the dog is now more nuanced.

Whitmore, who says she regularly walks her two dogs, advises practicing simple courtesies with neighbors. “If somebody's walking towards me and they don't have a dog, I will step off the sidewalk as a courtesy or step over,” she says. “I want them to know I am respecting their space without saying it.”

She says particularly during the pandemic, it’s crucial to simply be kind. “I think that kindness makes people feel good,” she says.

Gottsman says the traditionally neighborly gesture of dropping off cookies has now become a confusing social situation, as fears of the spread of the coronavirus through food continue to grow.

“If someone offers you baked goods and you do not want to take them, it feels rude to refuse. If you’re worried about handling, wash your hands immediately,” says Gottsman. “You can dispose of the baked goods without saying I don’t want them. Much like getting an unwanted gift during the holiday season, show gratitude. These are very unusual times and we are learning how to navigate this uncertain journey.”

Swann says social distancing rules trump etiquette, and no one is obligated to even answer the door if a neighbor comes by.

“If someone stops by and they want to bring you something, I want people to know that it is perfectly fine to look through your door and tell the person, ‘Thank you very much. I appreciate it, please just place it right in front of my door and I'll get it later.’ You do not have to open your door if you don't want to,” says Swann. “It's gonna feel awkward. It's gonna feel as though you're being rude, but you're not doing that. You can just say, ‘I want to protect both me and you.’”

And if you feel someone is standing too close to you in line at the grocery store? Gottsman says, don’t be afraid to speak up.

“You might politely say, ‘We should probably take several feet back.’ Or, this is the time to use delivery apps and make sure and tip them accordingly because they are out in the stores, helping to make our lives a little bit safer,” she says.

How do I talk with a family member who I believe needs to be more careful during the pandemic?

One of the trickier aspects of the coronavirus stay-at-home orders is that every family member interprets those orders differently. Some might not leave the house at all, while others still let their kids play with the neighbors. How to handle family members with differing opinions on the best way to conduct themselves? Experts say its best to ask a few well-worded questions and then let it go.

“In fact, this just happened with me yesterday. I was talking to my daughter, she was out and about, and I asked her, did she have on a face covering? And she told me she didn't,” says Swann. “And I said, well, I'm not sure if you heard the most recent news or not, but we are supposed to be wearing a face covering.”

She suggests erring on the side of caution that perhaps they don’t have all the information and asking them if they are aware of the protocols.

“You have to do your part and then let go. You cannot police other people. The only thing you can do is share information that is factual,” says Swann. “And so sometimes you have to just let crazy be crazy, and just leave them alone.”

Whitmore agrees. “Some people are just stubborn and they are going to do whatever they want to do,” she says. “I have a saying, ‘advice is taken, not given.’ Some people are not willing to listen to advice and there as much as you want them to go out with a mask because you're concerned about them, they're not going to do it. It's too bad.”

How do I tell my dog walker/gardener/house cleaner that I want to pause services?

Stay-at-home orders mean we might no longer need someone to walk the dog, mow the lawn or clean the house, even though many in the service industry are still willing to work. How to have a tough conversation? Be honest.

“You have to treat that individual the same way you would any other employer would. Which is to say, ‘Right now, until we get through the end of this, I'm going to have to ask you to no longer come,” says Swann.

“If you have a loyal housekeeper and you have the ability to continue to pay them or give them some amount to help them during this situation, of course you want to do so,” says Gottsman.

But she recognizes everyone has a different budget, so if you can’t pay what you regularly would, she says to do as much as you can to help those in need.

“If it’s not monetary, emotionally by checking in and calling to let them know that you will be back once the pandemic is over,” she says. “Be realistic with what you can do.”

I’m worried my favorite mom-and-pop shop won’t survive the pandemic. Is it weird to reach out?

For those who are regulars at a restaurant or shop and have a relationship with the owner or employees, this time can be hard. Some want to support a restaurant but are wary about ordering takeout during the pandemic. Others want to check in with a favorite bartender or shopkeeper but aren’t sure what to say.

“That's a really tough question because the businesses are suffering, especially the family-owned and operated businesses,” says Whitmore. She recommends leaving a positive Yelp review.

Swann also suggests taking to social media. “If they have a Facebook page or an Instagram page, post something on their page, letting them know that you're thinking about them, that you appreciate them,” says Swann. “Another thing you can do is, if you want to support that store, you can always purchase an online coupon from them or make reservations for something later on in the year.”

How do I console a loved one if they suffer a loss right now?

If the worst happens, and a friend or family member is grieving a death during the pandemic, how to comfort them when the normal go-to’s like flowers, hugs and bringing over food are no longer an option? Experts say, simply call them.

“This is where hearing someone over the phone is really important,” says Swann.

“Emails and text messages and things like that are okay, but my advice is to pick up the phone and call the person. If they don't answer, leave a voicemail message. Letting them know that you're thinking about them, that you're concerned and that your thoughts are with them.”

She suggests asking them if there’s anything they need, and even sending a meal to them through a local restaurant as opposed to delivering homemade food in person.

“That will help them kind of get through their time of need during that time.”

Gottsman agrees. “Just a simple and authentic ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ or ‘I’m sorry you and your family are having to go through this,’ is all that is needed,” she says. “We can’t hug right now but we can be there to support in different ways with phone calls and words of encouragement.”

For the latest coronavirus news and updates, follow along at https://news.yahoo.com/coronavirus. According to experts, people over 60 and those who are immunocompromised continue to be the most at risk. If you have questions, please reference the CDC and WHO’s resource guides.

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