Rachel Brougham: Why do we judge other moms so hard?
As moms, we’re told to enjoy every moment.
Busy family vacations and holidays? Enjoy it!
That first day of kindergarten? Enjoy it!
Weekend sport tournaments? Enjoy it!
Graduation day? Enjoy it, even though you might be crying.
Everyone who has been through these moments tells us to enjoy them because there will come a point when our children are all grown up and we’ll look back and wonder where the time went. It all goes so fast and if we blink, we may miss it.
Except it’s hard to enjoy every moment. We live in a fast-paced world that pulls us in a hundred different directions each day. We have work and family obligations, social events to attend, projects to do around the house. Plus, not every moment is enjoyable. I didn’t enjoy changing my son’s dirty diapers, catching his vomit in my bare hands or all those late night tantrums from his toddler years when I still had work to get done and just wanted to sleep. I enjoyed other times during those early years, but there’s no way I could enjoy every moment.
My son is 13 now. Next year he’ll start high school. And although he’s caught up with me in height, sometimes when I glance over at him I still see the little boy who took his first steps in our living room, learned to ride a bike in the backyard and who got scared of a stuffed animal cow that made noises.
But because I feel he’s growing up too fast for my liking and I haven’t yet figured out how to slow down time, we’ve been spending this summer trying to do something fun, just the two of us each week. Sometimes it’s the pool or the zoo, other times it’s just a fun lunch out and even back-to-school shopping. Last week during our weekly fun day, as we ate sandwiches and watched planes take off at our nearby airport, we both agreed on how much we enjoy spending time with one another. I know that’s likely to change at some point, but part of me also wants to hold onto this moment forever.
My husband died when our son was just 9. At the time, my career was at a very high point and I had to let a lot of that go. While it’s still hard for me to accept I can’t take on all the projects I want to anymore, I have accepted the idea that raising a super good human despite it all is my top priority, my number one job. My career comes after.
I realize I’m lucky to be able to take time off to spend a day each week doing something fun with my son while not worrying about work every moment. It makes me feel awful for parents who don’t have that kind of freedom, yet are still expected to be there all the time for their kids.
I think a lot about how society views parents — especially mothers. As working moms, we cannot have it all. There’s always something we need to give up, whether it’s the promotion, time with our family, time to ourselves or time with friends.
Mothers who stay home are often viewed as not pulling equal weight, although any of us who have been a stay-at-home parent know otherwise. Mothers who work busy, demanding jobs are
blamed for not being there all the time. And then no matter what you do, you get blamed for being a bad parent when your kid makes a mistake, falls behind in school or gets in a bit of trouble.
As mothers, we may never truly have it all and I know most of us have come to accept that fact. But whether you’re working 60 hours a week or you’re taking time off from your career to enjoy time with your kids, can’t we at least agree that we’re all doing the best we can and there’s no need for all the judgment?
Sometimes you just need to stop and enjoy those moments while you still can. After all, isn’t that what everyone tells you to do?
— Rachel Brougham is the former assistant editor of the Petoskey News-Review. You can email her at racheldbrougham@gmail.com.
This article originally appeared on The Petoskey News-Review: Rachel Brougham: Why do we judge other moms so hard?
