Racism triggers me to drink, but Zoom-bombers won't let me be Black in AA meetings

When the United States erupted in protests across the country last summer, footage of buildings on fire and protesters being thrown to the ground by police dominated social media. My desire to drink increased each time I was confronted with another video of people breaking windows and shouting at police.

Like more than 2 million people across the world, I seek refuge daily in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. But my exposure to blatant racism on Zoom makes me question my place in Alcoholics Anonymous as a Black woman.

It was a Tuesday night when I logged onto a meeting and was bombarded with images of dead Black men lying on the ground. A troll in the chat addressed me directly and told me I would end up like George Floyd. My response was the same as usual: Turn off your camera; you’re Black on Zoom.

The disturbing trend of Zoom bombing has infiltrated and shifted the culture of Alcoholics Anonymous. Every day I log in, I watch members struggle to contain the nefarious individuals who join meetings to belittle strangers. After Floyd's death in May 2020, I saw an increase in Zoom bombers on virtual 12-step meetings. The attacks became so frequent, I considered finding an alternative to Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous had become my haven during the beginning of the pandemic.

My triggers aren't merely political

When COVID-19 forced people to retreat to their homes in March 2020, I found myself isolated in my bedroom, binge drinking to cope with feelings of uncertainty surrounding the pandemic.

After relapsing for two months, I returned to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. What once had been my refuge turned into a space I actively wanted to avoid. I desperately wished that maybe if I kept my head down and followed instructions from other members, my racial battle fatigue would subside.

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Critical race theorist William Smith defines racial battle fatigue as “the cumulative result of a natural race-related stress response to distressing mental and emotional conditions. These conditions emerged from constantly facing racially dismissive, demeaning, insensitive and/or hostile racial environments and individuals.”

The frequent and deliberate racism in virtual 12-step meetings triggers me. My anxiety skyrockets each time I see a Zoom bomber or I am told that my race is an "outside issue."

In Alcoholics Anonymous there are topics that can be deemed outside issues. While attending virtual meetings, I am frequently told by older white members that I need to remain focused on what really pertains to drinking. Keep politics out of this, this is an AA meeting, is a common response when I speak openly about how drinking relates to my racial identity. For years, the fear of being shot by law enforcement, or the feeling of wondering whether my dad or brother would return home safely, drove me to rely on alcohol.

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Despite the diversity of the meetings, I repeatedly have to explain how the pressure to assimilate to the white gaze causes African Americans to drink. I am criticized for speaking about reasons for drinking that aren’t in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Many older members desperately attempt to silence me when I discuss the pressures that come with being a Black woman. I feel a pressure to divorce my ethnicity when I am taking part in online AA meetings.

But I only face racist comments from members directly on occasion. Attacks from trolls occur several times an hour. When I log onto a meeting, I expect to be profiled. Before the pandemic, I had never experienced racial discrimination in Alcoholics Anonymous. Zoom meetings create a unique atmosphere because people are from across the world, while my in-person meetings attract people who are local to Los Angeles. Now that meetings are online, I come across people who do not have exposure to the complexities that come with being Black.

I deserve to heal

During meetings, I fear that I will be harassed for speaking about the primary reasons I chose to numb myself with alcohol. I want to say that I was called the N-word at 9 years old. I want to say that I am afraid of being shot in my own home. I want to say that watching the death of George Floyd is something I will never recover from. Online Alcoholics Anonymous meetings should be the place where I feel safest. But I question my place in recovery when I cannot go onto a virtual meeting without being called slurs. I have stopped talking about how my racial formation impacted my addiction to alcohol and changed my language to avoid getting verbally attacked.

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My approach to recovery has completely changed due to the attacks I’ve experienced on Zoom meetings. The more Zoom bombers I encounter, the less I want to attend meetings. I took a brief hiatus from virtual meetings to evaluate whether I wanted to continue going to Alcoholics Anonymous. After taking a few weeks off, I decided to return with a new motto: Don’t speak your truth; you’re Black on Zoom.

But concealing the reasons I drank caused me to want to drink again. I returned to virtual meetings and turned on music any time a bomber spoke. I stopped reading the comments in the chat. I started reaching out to members from in-person meetings rather than members I interacted with online. Today I refuse to remain silent about how intergenerational trauma contributed to my desire to drink. People may not be ready to hear what I have to say, but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to heal.

Maya Richard-Craven is a writer and journalist in Los Angeles. Follow her on Twitter: @mrichardcraven

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Black on Zoom: Racism pervades Alcoholics Anonymous online meetings