We Rated Your Favorite Halloween Candies By How Gay They Are

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​Halloween is For The Gays™; everyone knows that. The parties, the costumes, the camp. We own this holiday. But what can often get lost in all the frivolity are the treats. When it comes to Halloween candy, some treats are gayer than others. Below are some Halloween candies rated on a scale of 0-10, with 0/10 being not gay and 10/10 being the most gay. It's a hard job, but we have the skills and technology — also it made us laugh.

First up are wax candy lips.

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Wax candy lips are very gay: 8/10. It’s giving high-camp. It’s giving sapphics signaling to one another clandestinely in the 1950s. It’s giving Rocky Horror Picture Show. Iconic, timeless, and ultimately functional, wax candy lips are decidedly gay. We’d love to see more of them.

Next up is Reese’s pumpkins.

You may argue that anything Reese’s should be rated higher than a 5/10 on the gay scale. Reese’s is the candy to seek (and trade with your siblings after dumping your trick or treat pails on the floor after an exhaustive night of hustling), and the shapes are, indeed, the superior form.

But they’re a general crowd-pleaser. Reese’s peanut butter pumpkins are for everyone, not just the gays. It’s giving Corporate Pride Sponsor, but not in a bad way. They’re a delicacy, but not a particularly *gay* delight.

Sour Patch Kids are queer, for sure.

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Sour Patch Kids earn a 7/10. They’re sour and they’re sweet; they contain multitudes. They’re quippy and a little silly, and they happen to be vegan. Does that not remind you of your favorite queer barista making you the best lavender latte you’ve ever had?

Mike and Ike’s are the dark horse in this game.

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Mike and Ike’s are a 9/10 gay candy. Firstly, they’re “the original fruits.” Enough said. Should you need more evidence: MIKE and IKE. Mike and Ike are a lovely, suburban gay couple that’s seen it all. That old homophobic motto may as well have been “Adam and Eve, not Mike and Ike!” Often forgotten in the glamorous grand scheme of things, they’re a standard we should salute.

Nerds in the pink and purple side by side box are actually Not Very Gay.

Are they tangy? Yes. Vibrant? You bet. Downright musical (if you’re in need of makeshift percussion)? Yes. But gay? Not so much. Nerds, specifically in the pink and purple side-by-side box, earn a 1/10. What happened to the rainbow? Why only two colors? It’s giving “there are only two genders.” Bring me a Nerds Rope or don’t waste my time.

Jujubes are dominant in this game.

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Jujubes are 10/10 gay. Rainbow: check. Fruity: check check. A drag queen named after them: checkMATE. In some small town, somewhere, a masc-lesbian school nurse has a bowl of Jujubes on her desk to signal that her office is a Safe Space. They’re the inclusive, classic, welcoming candy that all of us needed when we were baby queers.

Black licorice is surprisingly gay-ish.

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Black licorice is not something I like to eat, and it wasn’t top of mind when starting this list. But honestly? It’s a little c*nty. It’s goth, and since when has goth not been a little bit gay? Goth clubs have long been allies for the gay community in terms of openness and acceptance. And the rope quality of the licorice is giving shibari. It’s giving open-expression-of-BDSM in a defiant, cool, but consensual way. Folsom Street Fair vibes: 6/10.

Gummies vary in their gayness.

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Gummy bears are straight-coded and sour gummy worms are gay-coded. I know you know what I mean, even if neither of us can put the distinction into words. Bears 2/10. Worms 7/10. Both delightful to eat, though!

Miniature Hershey bars are allies.

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Hershey bars are no one’s favorite Halloween candy. When you get the big bag of assorted mini chocolate bars, you don’t usually reach for Hershey first. But the name contains a lesbian pun and/or pronoun identification: HER SHE. And for that, it gets an ally status. 3/10

Hear me out on Werther’s.

You might be shocked — or even angry — to see the inclusion of a Wether’s Original on this list. But you know what? I can absolutely picture a kind, old gay with a crystal candy dish full of these classiques. Or perhaps a Werther’s or two in a pocket. Are you overheated at Pride? Blood sugar dropping? I bet an elder gay somewhere in the crowd has a Werther’s on them. You thank them for their Werther’s, and you thank them for their service. Shoutout to the 6/10 Werther’s Original.

Happy Halloween!