‘Real Housewives of Potomac’ Is This Franchise at Its Best and Bitchiest

No one on Bravo gets right to work like the industrious ladies of Potomac (and D.C. and Bethesda and Baltimore). After a delay in scheduling—our cherry blossoms typically arrive in the spring or summer—The Real Housewives of Potomac is back for what’s already a compelling and hysterical seventh season in its first 90 minutes.

Everyone on this show—but especially master provocateur Gizelle Bryant—understands that they have a job to do, which is not only to entertain us with their constant bickering but to make us invested in their often tumultuous and humiliating personal lives. (You hear that, Beverly Hills?).

And boy, do we get a lot in this first episode. Ashley Darby’s getting a divorce and buying a house with her soon-to-be (maybe?) ex-husband Michael. Candiace Dillard Bassett is freezing her eggs and yelling at Chris for having a job. Robyn Dixon wants a prenup for whenever she and Juan walk down the aisle (May 2026, I’m betting). Mia Thornton’s accused of being some sort of cancer-scare opportunist. Karen Huger is doing her typical Lucille Ball schtick. Wendy Osefo’s going into business with the Lisa Vanderpump of the East Coast, Peter Thomas. Oh, and did I mention Charrisse Jackson-Jordan is back for reasons that are unexplained?

Let’s dig into this chaotic, supersized premiere.

‘Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ Returns for a Brisk Walk Out of the Mormon Church

We open with television’s greatest frenemies, Karen and Gizelle, having a picnic under a million cherry-blossom trees somewhere in Washington, D.C. The two genuinely appear amicable (for now) after sharing a heartfelt moment at the last reunion. Robyn eventually joins. And so does Ashley, who creeps up behind the women like Michael Myers in an arguably frightening blue metallic jacket.

Immediately, Gizelle gets down to business and asks Ashley about her newly announced divorce. After years of crying about her dysfunctional marriage and defending Michael against sexual assault allegations, Ashley seems deeply unfazed by their split. She casually tells us that Michael didn’t care to stop having threesomes while she wanted monogamy, which is, more or less, the same problem they’ve had for the past six seasons. Ashley, however, really wants a house, and Michael is seemingly trying to hold onto her by offering to buy a home under a joint LLC. The women are rightfully befuddled. But Karen also clocks that Ashley, a kept woman like herself, clearly isn’t ready to let go of Michael’s income.

Then comes Potomac’s first-ever “You’re lying about having a disease!” storyline when Mia innocuously shares a recent cancer scare on Instagram. It seems that Robyn, Gizelle, and Ashley don’t want Mia to post about her health journey unless she knows for sure that she has cancer, or else it’s “attention-seeking.” Robyn says “You don’t just drop the C-word,” as if they shouldn’t all be vigilant about the very real possibility of cancer in adult women. Apparently, Mia’s emotional (albeit vague) post is somehow a bigger affront to the cancer community than censuring a woman for getting her lumps checked out.

In another medical storyline, Candiace is freezing her eggs. She’s also very exhausted, which she announces in every scene. Thankfully, the “Drive Back” singer is more concerned with yelling at her husband for working too much than making us care about her fertility journey. Chris seemingly couldn’t take the other women calling him broke any longer and got a job as a general manager of a hotel restaurant. Candiace, who, I imagine, doesn’t have any hospitality or managerial experience, doesn’t understand why Chris comes home at different times every night. They fuss at each other on the way home from the fertility clinic. It’s awkward!

In other news, Robyn meets with Charisse—who’s introduced to us like she wasn’t an original cast member—to discuss getting a prenup before marrying Juan. Robyn is clearly very proud that she’s the breadwinner now, and so was I watching her subtly brag throughout this scene. We also finally see Mia, who’s renting a house in Potomac near Karen. (Though according to her recent Instagram posts, that might not last too long.) Mia concisely explains that she had a biopsy and has several lumps she’s getting screened for. Karen also stops by her house to warn her about the other women’s skepticism about her health problems.

After a lackluster one-wick candle launch that was memorably stomped on by Karen, Dr. Wendy’s upping the ante this season by breaking into the nightlife business. It’s a huge leap to go from selling direct-to-consumer home accessories to owning a Nigerian lounge, but the ever-ambitious scholar is ready to branch out with the help of Real Housewives of Atlanta alum and dubious businessman Peter. It’s hard to tell if this is a good idea or not. Peter is giving Wendy 20 percent, which is four times more than Lisa Vanderpump gave each of the Toms for a restaurant named after them on Vanderpump Rules. So she’s doing better than them, at least. Wendy also hilariously thinks the lounge should be a children’s library during the day.

Settling the Great Kathy Hilton vs. Lisa Rinna ‘Real Housewives’ Tequila Feud

Of course, we have to talk about Ashley’s pending divorce some more. There’s nothing Ashley loves more than distressing her protective Uncle Lump with news about her disgusting marriage, so we get a scene of him trashing her decision to potentially get a house with Michael while her sons scream in the background. Ashley says in a confessional that she hasn’t thought about what her budget would be like without Michael’s income because she apparently doesn’t pay for anything even as an established reality star, which is certainly a flex.

After a classic scene of Gizelle’s daughters reading her to filth, this premiere culminates in a party hosted by Karen to celebrate spring, because why not? It’s actually a gorgeous, magenta-laden event, and everyone is dressed decently. We even get an Askale appearance. For the most part, everyone’s just rehashing Ashley’s situation with Michael, and Gizelle and Karen predict that she’s not actually going to go through with divorcing him.

Gizelle finally comes face to face with Mia after all her shit-talking and unleashes the most jarring greeting. “So this is what cancer/no cancer looks like?” she asks, staring Mia up and down. “Is that cancer or no cancer?” she continues, like she’s asking who designed her coat. This is an extremely insensitive thing to say to someone in the middle of a screening process. And yes, Mia is someone who’s been caught in several lies and thought a non-surgical vaginal rejuvenation treatment was the same thing as having her clit worked on. But this whole investigation is deeply unnecessary, as much I chuckled at the green-eyed bandits appointing themselves the cancer police.

Likewise, Mia says that her doctor thought she had lymphoma and tells Gizelle, “Fuck you.” Of course, Gizelle is confused that she would be cussed at for mocking someone’s health. And we end on Karen’s horrified face and a good ol’ “To Be Continued.”

All told, this was maybe one of the best season premieres Bravo has had in years. These utterly messy women continue to raise the bar for themselves and all the other Housewives who think their boring rumor-spreading and exits from Mormonism are enough to amuse us. RHOP continues to immaculately weave compelling personal storylines with utterly stupid fighting, reminding viewers what Real Housewives is like at its most entertaining.

Read more at The Daily Beast.

Get the Daily Beast's biggest scoops and scandals delivered right to your inbox. Sign up now.

Stay informed and gain unlimited access to the Daily Beast's unmatched reporting. Subscribe now.