But Really: What the Hell Is This ‘Barbie’ Movie?

On Friday, Variety reported that the Europop song “Barbie Girl” by Aqua will not be used in the upcoming Margot Robbie Barbie movie. This is obviously disappointing news, as the song is incredibly catchy and has become nearly as iconic as the toy itself. The response online was swift and sour, with Twitter users asking what the point of the movie would be without the song and fruitlessly begging for it to at least be included in the trailer.

The refrain “Come on Barbie, let’s go party!” practically plays in one’s head at the mere thought of the impossibly-proportioned blonde doll. Plus, as an entertainment writer who has used lyrics from the song to jazz up my copy in every article I have written about this film so far, I am tremendously inconvenienced on a personal level by the new development.

Considering that Barbie manufacturer Mattel is producing the project, it’s not a huge surprise that the raunchy, satirical song will be left off the soundtrack. When the song came out (and became a global hit) in 1997, Mattel sued the Danish band over the potential damage to Barbie’s brand. The lawsuit was ultimately dismissed, but a quick refresher on the lyrics–“I’m a blonde bimbo girl in a fantasy world” and “Kiss me here, touch me there,” for example–clears up why the toy company might have a problem with the song.

Still, this update only intensifies the question on everyone’s mind—What the heck is this movie going to be? Casting reports are coming on a weekly basis at this point, but none contain even a shred of information about characters, plot, or premise.

The idea for a live action Barbie first took shape in 2016 with Amy Schumer cast in the titular role. At the time, the oh-so-2016 plot revolved around Schumer’s Barbie getting exiled from “Barbieland” for not being perfect.

However, Schumer departed from the project a few months later, and it’s safe to assume that in its current iteration, Barbie has diverged from the original plan. For one, Greta Gerwig is directing, with a script she co-wrote with her husband, filmmaker Noah Baumbach.

Does the Lady Bird director’s involvement mean the character will be more Sacramento Barbie than Malibu Barbie? Will Baumbach, who is known for making movies about narcissistic New-York-City-based creative types, transform Ken into an adulterous, angst-ridden playwright? Is this version of Barbie a literal doll, or is it a Lightyear situation where the movie is a fictional biopic of the fake-real person who inspired the toy?

Here’s what we do know. Margot Robbie is impeccably cast as Barbie, seeing as the Aussie actress is pretty much as close to being flawless-looking as a real living human gets. Ryan Gosling is starring opposite her as Ken. The starry supporting cast includes Issa Rae, Kate McKinnon, Emma Mackey, Simu Liu, Will Ferrell, Alexandra Shipp, Michael Cera, America Ferrera, Hari Nef, and Emerald Fennell.

Earlier this week, the world got its first glimpse at a photo of Robbie in character. It’s giving Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde, with Robbie in a retro blue halter top and matching headband. She flashes a megawatt smile from the driver’s seat of a bubblegum pink convertible. As my colleague Kyndall Cunningham tweeted, the vibe is very much, “what if barbie just looks like selling sunset?” Just before the photo was taken, Robbie may or may not have tried to sell the photographer overpriced vegan empanadas à la Emma Hernan.

Since the first-look photo did absolutely nothing to clarify what Barbie might be about, let’s imagine for a moment what we actually want out of this mystery of a movie.

It has to be at least a little bit ironic, right? It doesn’t seem possible in 2022 to make a non-satirical movie about a woman who is simultaneously an aerobics instructor, flight attendant, downhill skier, veterinarian, and the ideal model of societally-enforced Eurocentric beauty standards. In fact, it would be funny to include a montage of Robbie performing all of Barbie’s absurd careers over the years, a list that includes things like SeaWorld trainer, Canadian Mountie, and Marine Corps sergeant.

The safest direction for the film is to adhere to the fish-out-of-water comedic trope in which a doll from a perfect, plastic world suddenly has to navigate real life. Although there is already an amazing movie about this, the underrated gem Life-Size from 2000 starring tween Lindsay Lohan and Tyra Banks as her doll who comes to life.

Gosling will surely nail the part of Ken, as long as he goes all in on the himbo bit. Frankly, he doesn’t need to be that much more than hilarious eye-candy. As for the rest of the cast, there will be riots in theaters everywhere if we don’t get a shot of Robbie twinning with her famous doppelgänger, Emma Mackey. Maybe Mackey is playing another, newer model of Barbie. It would even be fun to amp up the sight gag and have cameos from all of Robbie’s other celebrity look-alikes, like Samara Weaving, Jamie Pressly, and Jaime King. Google side-by-side photos of all of them, it’s genuinely eerie.

All Hail Channing Tatum, King of the Himbos

The costumes, of course, are essential. Barbie (the brand) has collaborated with Moschino, Karl Lagerfeld, and Diane Von Furstenberg. The BarbieStyle Instagram page, which features dolls posed like fashion bloggers, has more followers than the regular Barbie page.

Robbie better be decked out in a collection of vintage and couture that would make Carrie Bradshaw jealous, bonus points for any Easter eggs referencing classic Barbie outfits.

Ultimately, though, this all comes back to “Barbie Girl” by Aqua. It is such a missed opportunity to not record a fun cover by a popstar like Dua Lipa or Doja Cat. The people deserved to hear Charli XCX sing, “Life in plastic, it’s fantastic,” in her whining British accent. Maybe even a pop punk arrangement by Olivia Rodrigo, or rap rendition from Lil Nas X. Anything but nothing at all.

With Barbie slated for a summer 2023 release, we’ll likely be waiting for a while before we get any clarity on what to expect from it. In the meantime, Greta Gerwig, if you’re reading this, consider renting Life-Size on demand and feel free to reach out if you need any more ideas!

Read more at The Daily Beast.

Get the Daily Beast's biggest scoops and scandals delivered right to your inbox. Sign up now.

Stay informed and gain unlimited access to the Daily Beast's unmatched reporting. Subscribe now.