All the reasons I'm not a bad person
May 15—It's easy for me to believe I'm a bad person, which is why I have to remind myself of all the good qualities I possess and good things I've done.
If y'all will allow me to indulge in some self-affirmation for a moment.
—I've stopped posting my Wordle score to social media.
—I rarely block people on Twitter, even if they're big fat meanies who are wrong about everything.
—Dogs and babies absolutely love me.
—I have zero political bumper stickers on my car, and I will never allow a candidate's sign in my yard.
—I've never forgotten about Dre.
—I've never called my ex-wife a bad name — at least, not to her face.
—I have the 100% correct opinion that all Canadian whiskey is trash.
—I've never danced with the devil in the pale moonlight. Maybe a personal demon or two, but not the great Satan himself.
—I know how to properly navigate a four-way stop.
—I've never been convicted of a felony. Or even a misdemeanor!
—Related: I've never killed a man with a trident. OK, that might not be true, but like I said — never been convicted.
—If I ever do go to jail for some reason, I promise I will not fall in love with a corrections officer and go on the run with her.
—I recognize that all human beings are complicated, nuanced creatures who are incapable of fully comprehending, expressing or realizing their humanity due to the inherent limitations of a finite mind.
—I always put down the toilet lid.
—Even though I'm always broke, I tip well. One reason being, the people serving me are probably broke, too.
—I have no idea how crypto works and don't care to find out. Same goes for NFTs.
—I've never asked to see the manager — unless you count my girlfriend, who's the GM at a retail store. She does a great job, no complaints here.
—I do a pretty good Squidward impression. "I hate Krabby Patties!" Admit it, you just read that in my voice doing Squidward's voice.
—I don't make fun of Tupelo Moms in this space nearly as much as I could.
—I don't read anything from Barstool Sports.
—I've never joined a cult or a conspiracy movement, although I'm convinced Jim Jones was the second shooter on the grassy knoll.
—Like any reasonable person, I believe pineapple on pizza is a culinary atrocity that should be punishable by death. (R.I.P. to my girlfriend, I guess.)
—I don't listen to Kid Rock. If you've never heard of him, A) count yourself lucky, and B) he once released a bastardized mashup of "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Werewolves of London." I hope Ronnie Van Zant and Warren Zevon get to torture him in the afterlife.
—I have never tried to keep up with the Kardashians.
—I don't try to run over squirrels, but if it happens on accident, well, c'est la vie.
—I almost never express anger around other people because I've become expert at repressing negative feelings. That's because I need people to like me, and if they like me, they'll think I'm a good dude.
Because I am. Right?
BRAD LOCKE is senior sports writer for the Daily Journal. Contact him on Twitter @bradlocke or via email at brad.locke@journalinc.com.
