Recession? Inflation Reduction Act? Just let me win the Mega Millions, OK?

Between the Democrats’ new Inflation Reduction Act and nervous chatter of a possible recession, I fear Americans are overlooking the simplest way to solve our economic crisis: Let me win Friday’s $1 billion Mega Millions jackpot.

(Quick aside: Is it still Mega Millions if the jackpot is billion with a B?)

I guarantee that if I win the Mega Millions' third largest jackpot in history, my concerns about the economy will drop precipitously. If I’m less worried, those around me will be less worried, making those around them less worried, and so on until the whole country is relaxed and just really glad things worked out so well for me.

The markets will be calmed, optimism will rise and I will absolutely have everyone over for a nice barbecue at my new side-by-side mansions as soon as I get a chance. Promise. (The very fact that I have a left mansion to live in on weekdays and a right mansion to live in on weekends will undoubtedly send consumer confidence soaring. That’s just ECON 101.)

Why are you going to win the lottery?

I’m sure some of you are already asking: “Gee, Rex, why does it have to be you who gets the jackpot money?”

Thanks for the question, some of you. The truth is, I feel pretty darn confident I’m going to win the Mega Millions anyway, so confident I’ve already purchased a large yacht and a smaller side-yacht and sent a horribly rude, profanity-laden Facebook message to everyone I know outside my immediate family telling them to pound sand because they’re no longer worthy of my time.

Hard times ahead: How Biden and the Fed are driving America into a recession

If I were to wind up NOT winning the jackpot, those decisions would immediately become regrettable, and I don’t think any American wants to see me put in that position. (You’re all great people, and I look forward to seeing you at the barbecue, which will definitely be happening soon.)

So let’s just agree I’ll be winning so we can move on with this economist-approved (probably) method of fixing the U.S. economy by alleviating my need to care about the U.S. economy.

Recession talk and Manchin's Inflation Reduction Act

Think about how dark things have been lately. I’m not sure how much a McDonald’s cheeseburger costs now – I have briefly stopped eating because all my money went toward the down payment on my yachts – but I believe it’s somewhere around $35.

Americans value education: But government should pick up the tab

And on Wednesday, the Federal Reserve raised interest rates by three-quarters of a percentage point for the second month in a row, after which Chairman Jerome Powell said, “I do not think the U.S. is currently in a recession,” which is EXACTLY what someone who thinks the U.S. is in a recession would say.

On Wednesday, U.S. Sen. Joe Manchin, D-W.Va., said in a statement that he had reached a deal with other Democrats on a bill called the Inflation Reduction Act of 2022: “This bill will cut the inflation taxes Americans are paying, lower the cost of health insurance and prescription drugs, and ensure our country invests in the energy security and climate change solutions we need to remain a global superpower through innovation rather than elimination.”

Letting me win the Mega Millions lottery is way easier

That sounds great, but I have to believe my “Rex Wins the Mega Millions Jackpot and Everything Gets Better” plan is preferable and will have a quicker impact on my ability to build an unnecessary spaceship.

A dark cloud over my gay marriage: We thought this inequality was a thing of the past

Also, my plan doesn’t require a bunch of political wrangling and stupid voting and people on TV yelling at each other. It’s far more straightforward.

As previously mentioned, I’ll probably win the Mega Millions jackpot outright on Friday. I’ll allow myself the weekend to buy a few dolphins and then get to filling out the barbecue invitations on Monday, hopefully.

Just email me the ticket if you win

In the unlikely event I don’t have the numbers necessary to claim the jackpot, whoever does have those winning digits just needs to shoot me an email at rhuppke@usatoday.com and I’ll let that person know where to send the golden ticket. I’ll also get that person’s address, so I know where to send the barbecue invitation, which will be mailed out forthwith.

I will then claim my winnings and begin injecting money into the economy and everyone will feel super great about me.

'I was never here': A speech anti-same-sex-marriage Republicans can give at same-sex weddings

Me winning the jackpot will make you feel great!

I realize some will poo-poo this simple plan and claim that they, in fact, will be winning Friday’s Mega Millions. I regret to inform those people that they’re wrong, and that they’re also greedy and unconcerned about the state of this nation’s economy. Shame on them.

Now let’s all come together and make sure I never have to worry about inflation or a recession again. Trust me, it’ll make you feel great.

And I’ll see you at the barbecue! Which is definitely a thing that’s going to happen.

More humor and satire from Rex Huppke:

►After Russian chess robot breaks boy's finger, it's clear the machines are coming for us

►Is 'wokeness' responsible for US and European heat waves? Absolutely.

►'NRA Math': Why nearly 400 'good guys with guns' couldn’t stop one bad guy

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

You can read diverse opinions from our Board of Contributors and other writers on the Opinion front page, on Twitter @usatodayopinion and in our daily Opinion newsletter. To respond to a column, submit a comment to letters@usatoday.com.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Mega Millions drawing Friday is easiest way to beat a recession