Reflections on friendship

Due to our struggle with the Covid pandemic, there have been various commentaries about the problems of disconnection and loneliness, which can be damaging to our health, as well as to our effort to have a meaningful life. And modern culture in general can be hard on personal relationships, for people often live in more than one location during their lifetime, which makes it challenging to maintain friendships.

Of the many articles on friendship that I have read, one of the most insightful is “How Friendships Change in Adulthood,” by Julie Beck, which appeared in “The Atlantic” during 2015. A senior editor of that magazine, she expresses the essence of our problem by saying that “We aren’t obligated to our friends the way we are to our romantic partners, our jobs, and our families,” so “the ideal of people’s expectations for friendship is always in tension with the reality of our lives.” In other words, as we develop new interests and commitments, due to occupational involvement and marital relationships, we often become more distant from individuals we have closely interacted with in the past.

Of course, we have communication by the Internet, but that’s often not a good substitute for personal, face-to-face interaction. As Beck comments, “Facebook makes things weird by keeping those [past] friends continually in your peripheral vision”—when your life has become centered on another location, a new job, or a different reality. In fact, she comments on the stages of life, from childhood to old age, by asserting that “as life accelerates, people’s priorities and responsibilities shift, and friendships are affected.”

The importance of long-term friendships reminds me of some notable examples in the history of Macomb. One is the relationship between banker C. V. Chandler and newspaperman W. H. Hainline. Born in our county during the 1840s, they were both Civil War soldiers, community leaders, and lovers of the town they lived in. Their friendship started in the 1860s and deepened over several decades, through war remembrance activities and a variety of civic efforts. Chandler was a long-time alderman, and Hainline was the mayor during the 1890s.

Chandler’s departure for Indiana in 1911, to live with relatives, ended their interaction, except for occasional letters. When Hainline died in 1924, the “Macomb Journal” characterized him as “a public man of his community . . . with many strong friendships.” The same was true of Chandler, who passed away ten years later.

In any case, the Chandler and Hainline friendship reveals the importance of common memories and civic commitment as the basis for long-term, meaningful bonding.

Two other close friends who reinforced each other’s public efforts are Josie Westfall and Rose Jolly, whom I first wrote about forty years ago. Born here in the 1870s, they bonded as young women through their concern for the poor. Both were leaders of the Macomb Charities Board, and they were also indispensable figures in the development of the McDonough County Orphanage. Westfall was the matron, and Jolly was the “secretary” (or business manager). As the leader of the McDonough County Humane Society (focused on women and children then, as well as animals), Jolly also brought numerous abused or neglected kids into the orphanage, who were then under Westfall’s care.

Unmarried women in a society dominated by men, Westfall and Jolly inspired and strengthened each other—until the latter’s death in 1937. Deeply impacted by that loss of a lifelong friend, Westfall died four years later. A question that emerges is this: Would their spectacular social achievement have occurred without their remarkable friendship?

Although poems about friendship are not nearly as common as poems about love relationships, I have also run across a number of them over the years. One collection that includes several is “Poems That Touch the Heart,” edited by A. L. Alexander, which appeared in 1941 and eventually sold about a million copies. He gathered many of the poems that were included from newspapers, and some were anonymous. One of those, titled “Confide in a Friend,” asserts the emotional support of a friendship, as in the opening stanza:

“When you’re tired and worn at the close of day

And things just don’t seem to be going your way,

When even your patience has come to an end,

Try taking time out and confide in a friend.”

And of course, that often helps because the friend “may have walked the same road” and, in any case, he or she may help you “find peace and comfort.” So, a friend can be vital in hard times.

Another anonymous poem that Alexander includes is simply titled “A Friend,” and it centers on defining such an individual as “a person with whom you dare to be yourself.” That’s a good point, for in so many of our relationships we are just compelled to say what’s appropriate, rather than what’s deeply felt. But with a friend, “You can say what you think, as long as it is genuinely you”—and that’s because the friend you talk with deeply understands you.

In any case, friendships may be stressed in our challenging time, but many commentators and poets agree that they are essential for our well-being.

Writer and speaker John Hallwas is a columnist for the “McDonough County Voice.”

This article originally appeared on The McDonough County Voice: The pandemic has highlighted the importance of friendships