'I remember feeling so guilty': Colton Underwood recalls fear of being outed while on 'The Bachelorette'

A month after coming out as gay, Colton Underwood is pulling back the curtain on his experience with "The Bachelor" franchise and his journey to living in his truth.

The 29-year-old was a contestant on Becca Kufrin's season of "The Bachelorette" in 2018. In an interview with Variety published Wednesday, Underwood reveals though the show highlighted he was a virgin, and he was, he did have sexual encounters with men he met on dating app Grindr which left him anxious that one might out him to a tabloid.

"I remember feeling so guilty, like 'What the hell am I doing?' " Underwood said. “It was my first time letting myself even go there, so much so that I was like, 'I need "The Bachelorette" in my life, so I could be straight.' "

His virginity again became promotional material when he served as "The Bachelor" in 2019. Underwood said this made him uncomfortable. In 2018, while he was on "The Bachelorette," he spoke out about being virgin-shamed and said his virginity being in the public eye was the “hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.”

"I was always looking for somebody to blame," Underwood told Variety, noting he's no longer upset with franchise. "I was passive-aggressive to the franchise after it was done. But all of a sudden, as I was coming out, everything started to make so much more sense. I was a miserable person living as a shell of a human being, and being who the world wanted to see. I finally had to look myself in the mirror and say, 'You’ve got to fix this.' "

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Underwood came out in April during an episode of "Good Morning America." His announcement sparked conversation on social media about a possible gay "Bachelor" reality series.

The former NFL player told Variety the franchise "should discuss it," though he probably wouldn't be a part of it.

“I don’t like speaking in definitives, but I’m not in a position to be in a show like that. I’m at a crossroads in my life right now," he said.

Underwood also shared with the outlet that his coming out was driven, in part, by fear after someone threatened to out him after taking nude photos of him at a Los Angeles spa known for serving gay clients.

“I, at one point, during my rock bottom and spiral, was getting blackmailed. Nobody knows I was blackmailed," Underwood said.

He also describes how sports was one of the reasons it was difficult for him to come to terms with his sexuality.

"Growing up in sports, I was taught that gay is wrong and gay is bad and football players are not gay,” Underwood said. “By the time I realized that I was gay, I didn’t want to be gay. It was easy for me to hide in plain sight behind a football mask and hunting and fishing and the things that this world tells us is 'masculine' and 'manly.' "

More: Colton Underwood's former college football coach, teammates after he came out publicly as gay: 'Took amazing courage'

Leaving the "Bachelor" franchise behind, Underwood has a new venture: a Netflix docuseries. The show plans to highlight various LGBTQ stories making sure to amplify voices of people that are in less privileged positions than himself, according to the Variety article. The Netflix series will also have an episode focused on Underwood coming out to his family.

"If it just helps a few young men and women come out and be proud of themselves and understand that all parents aren’t going to be upset, it can save lives," Underwood's father, Scott Underwood, said.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Colton Underwood recalls 'Bachelor' experience, reveals Netflix show