Who runs most households: Women or men? | THE MOM STOP

At any given time, I have a long “to-do” checklist running in the back of my mind: send book fair money to school with youngest child, make sure the oldest child remembers to take her soccer gear to school, text the babysitter to ensure she can take the kids to a dentist appointment after school, or call the dentist office to set up said appointment.

And it’s not just dealing with the kids. There’s the mental management of the household day-to-day ― the grocery lists, the reminder to add more detergent to the Instacart shopping cart because we might be running low. It’s remembering to call the veterinarian’s office to schedule boarding for the dogs during an upcoming vacation, or calling local roofers to get quotes on a leak repair.

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While most men likely also have to-do lists of things they must accomplish, research has shown that most of the “mental work load” in heterosexual couples lands on women. Even if many couples aim to split the household and childcare work 50/50 — research has shown that often the majority of the work lands on women, and even then, there is the “invisible” workload that also tackle.

According to a 2019 study by Harvard doctoral student Allison Daminger, in examining 35 couples, the wives were often referred to as the “project manager” or the men said the women were “keeping track of more.”

In that study, Daminger identified four clear stages of the “mental work” relating to the household: anticipating needs, identifying options, deciding among options and then monitoring the results. Daminger’s results found that while men and women both were involved in the decision-making process, it was the women who did the other phases: the anticipating, the planning, the research. It was the women who did the legwork.

Why is it that we women are tackling this heavier load? Is it because we are innately planners, schedulemakes, worriers or both? Is it because our mothers did it before us, as did our grandmothers and great-grandmothers? Is it in our DNA? Or because we just do it because it has to be done?

Possibly, it's a combination of all of the above.

My husband is someone who often cooked more meals than I did when our children were very small, since I was often working late. While we take a more equal approach with meal preparation these days, he still often does the dishes, or picks up groceries when needed.

He handles just as much if not more of the kids’ transportation needs than I do, transporting our kids to school, taking our youngest to art class or taking our son to baseball. I am thankful for that. But in today’s world, managing a household for a busy family of five takes the scheduling expertise like that of a flight controller.

I’ve heard my husband refer me to his “scheduler” when discussing future plans with others. When both parents work and there is no extended family in town, it takes an immense amount of planning, list-making and communication to make sure that everyone gets where they need to be, with the items that are needed, and that the household is running smoothly. That takes a heavy mental load.

Can the men lighten some of that load for their spouses? Absolutely. But that takes communication on our part — clear explanation, releasing personal expectations, and relinquishing some control. It’s certainly a conversation that many of us should start with our spouses. But, sometimes it’s easier just to get the job done ourselves and to be exhausted with our never-ending mental workload.

Now, back to my to-do list.

Lydia Seabol Avant writes The Mom Stop for The Tuscaloosa News. Reach her at momstopcolumn@gmail.com.

This article originally appeared on The Tuscaloosa News: Who runs most households: Women or men? | THE MOM STOP