Sending adult kids off into the world can cause even sensible parents to lose their grip
Naturally, I worried when my suddenly grown-up child set off for the Coast Guard Academy, but It was a mistake to write to the Admiral.
I admit it. When your young adult goes away to college, even sensible parents act in unexpected ways and nobody ever accused me of being sensible. Our First Kid went to the University of Washington, just down the road from our house. She could come home on weekends if she wanted to, so I was unprepared for the anxiety that struck when our oldest son left for New London, Connecticut, which has been the Coast Guard Academy’s home since 1932.
I didn’t hear from him for what seemed like decades. No letters. No phone calls. I thought he wasn’t allowed to use the phone. I did the only thing I could think of. I wrote to the Superintendent of the Academy. I explained very politely that while I realized Son was very busy, he shouldn’t be too busy to write his mother. The Admiral called me right away. He was very nice, and my son wrote promptly — very promptly. He wrote several very long letters stressing that he was well and please don’t write to the Admiral again.
The young brothers and sisters promptly fell in love with this selfless service. They went around the house singing the Coast Guard Hymn. Mistaking the words, they rendered the inspirational “Semper Paratus (Always Ready) is our guide” as a tribute to a nice Greek fellow, “Sam Papparatus — he’s their Guide.”
When we visited the Academy, there was a floor to ceiling poster of a coastguardsman reaching into a boiling sea to perform a rescue. The caption was, “You don’t have to come home.” It was just a lot for a mother to put up with.
I cried, so much that the back seat of the car was permanently wet and I was banned from going to the airports in three states until the next three kids were educated.
The college experience, already a stressful time, requires a lot of adjustment. It is even more difficult when that young person goes off to a military academy, or into the service.
When Number Two Son applied to Annapolis, he wrote, ”My Father has been in the Army for 20 years. Therefore, I have decided on the Navy as a career.“ They invited him right over, and he’s been there ever since.
Some choices are easier than others. I remember my absolutely ground-shaking horror when I found in 1973 that in Lander Hall at UDub my daughter would be in a co-ed dorm with (what could be worse?) co-ed bathrooms. She seems to have emerged OK, but really, how could you tell?
We learned about packing for college. It’s important to take only essentials. One son carefully sewed his blue “blanky” into a decorative pillow case so he didn’t have to do without that comfort item in the dorm.
The point is that when it’s time to leave for college, all of us parents stand on the front walk waving and choking back tears, and hoping this is all for the best. Although my husband used to say gleefully, “As soon as the last one is gone, we’ll change all the locks.” I didn’t do that. I just moved to another town. Most of them found me though.
Father Fred Mayovsky, who has taught generations of students, including mine, at Bellarmine Prep in Tacoma, says “I can’t say enough about how much today’s students care about the world and want to do something that matters.” Grandson starting his senior year in high school tells me they have back-to-school night before school even starts “so we’re not flying blind like in your time.”
I went back to college at 48 and got my bachelor’s degree at age 50. In many ways, that late-in-life degree was far more important and practical than it could have been at 20. The first question we were asked was, “What have you learned in life well enough that you could teach it to someone else?“ I chose “Midlife Career Change” and “Dealing with the Death of a Loved One,” created and taught the classes, and got credit for them. It was important to be able to show I hadn’t wasted 50 years.
Many young people are choosing new paths. It doesn’t have to be a four-year school anymore. I think, when the kids leave, it’s all right to go ahead and cry, but I sure wouldn’t write to the Admiral. Remember we get to craft our own way and it really is never too late to start again.
Where to find Dorothy in September
Sept. 4 – Coffee Chat and Change the World with Samuel Jones, Eagle Scout, and the songs of Linda Allen
Sept. 8 – Meet and Greet at the Weatherly Inn, Tacoma
Sept. 20 – 10 a.m. Forever Young, St. Louise Church, Bellevue
Listen to Dorothy’s podcast, any time, wherever podcasts are available or https://SwimmingUpstreamRadioShow.com
Contact Dorothy at PO Box 881, DuPont, WA 98327 or via phone at 800-548-9264. Get information about these programs at Dorothy@itsnevertoolate.com
