The seven friends you need in your life (and those you don’t)

To quote the Beatles, we get by with a little help from our friends. The aftermath of the pandemic has made us feel even more keenly the mental health benefits of seeing and hugging loved ones.

Friendship has long been linked to staving off depression, improving heart health, reducing loneliness and increasing self-esteem. In other words: making our lives better.

“The thing that best predicts longevity… is being well-connected to others in a friendly way,” says Lauren Brent, associate professor of ethology at the University of Exeter.

There’s a science to it, according to Robin Dunbar, emeritus professor of evolutionary psychology at Oxford University. He believes we need, on average, five close friendships in order to lead a fulfilling life. Quality, it seems, is more important than quantity.

So, what makes a good friend? According to science, the following friendship traits could be beneficial:

The good listener

Having someone who listens to you is not just a friendship perk. A friend who is a good listener could also reduce your risk of developing dementia, according to a study published last month. Academics from New York University analysed data from 2,171 people who filled out questionnaires on their level of social support and underwent MRI scans to measure their brain volume (an indicator of cognitive ability). Researchers found that those who had someone to talk to had a younger “brain age”, by approximately four years, than those who did not.

“Having a good listener in your life – whether it’s a friend, a family member, a therapist or whomever – seems to be linked to a great amount of this cognitive resilience effect,” says Dr Joel Salinas, who led the study. This was mostly seen in 45-65-year-olds, making it a “way of potentially reducing your vulnerability for developing Alzheimer’s disease or cognitive decline later on in your life”.

The friend who gets you outdoors

We all know that exercise is good for us, but being friends with someone who gets you into a group sport has its own unique benefits. In particular, Dunbar recommends “synchronised exercise”, such as running in a group. “You get a dance-like rhythm going,” he explains, “and that not only helps you run longer, further and faster, because that buffers you against muscle pain [it triggers endorphin release, which increases your pain threshold], but also increases your wellbeing as well as your physical health.”

Endorphins also trigger the immune system, particularly the so-called “natural killer cells” which, Dunbar says, “target, in particular, viruses and certain cancers”.

Having a fitness fanatic as a friend is particularly important in old age. The 2003 study “Exercise self-efficacy in older adults: social, affective, and behavioural influences” for instance, found that social support had a significant impact on exercise self-efficacy for older adults which, in turn, prompted them to exercise more frequently.

The friend who makes you laugh

Laughter is good for the soul – but also good for your body, as laughing triggers endorphins. Having a fun friend who takes you out dancing or to karaoke will also benefit your mind and body, since these activities also release endorphins.

But the benefits also depend on the recipient. If you’re more introverted or melancholic, “having somebody who’s forever cracking jokes can get a bit annoying”, Dunbar says.

The childhood friend

Having strong friendships as a teenager can benefit your mental health in adulthood, according to a 2017 study published in the journal Child Development.

The study tracked the mental health of 169 participants at the ages of 15, 16 and 25 and found that, by the age of 25, those who had experienced higher-quality friendships as teenagers tended to have lower levels of social anxiety, higher self-esteem and fewer symptoms of depression.

The good hugger

Hugging feels good because of how we have evolved. “Physical contact – cuddling, stroking and patting – is identical to what monkeys are doing when they groom each other,” Dunbar says. “It triggers the endorphin system through a very specialised set of neurons at the base of each hair follicle.”

In studies of monkeys, females that have a lot of regular grooming partners have lower cortisol levels (the stress hormone), they are more fertile, their offspring survive better and they recover more quickly from injuries. This, Dunbar says, has also been shown in wild horses and dolphins.

The friend you can trust with your secrets

The difference between a casual acquaintance and a friend lies in the level of trust. And not only is it handy to have someone who will keep your secrets – it’s vital to your well-being.

A 1987 study from Columbia University used network data from the 1985 General Social Survey to conclude that a person expressed more happiness if they had a larger “discussion network” but their wellbeing took a dip if a person knew more casual acquaintances.

Similarly, a 2007 study found that “an increase in the level of social involvements is worth up to an extra £85,000 a year in terms of life satisfaction”. In other words: having close friendships can greatly improve your quality of life.

The one who’ll be there for you

There’s a reason why I’ll be there for you is the theme tune of the appropriately named sitcom Friends. Having someone who is both physically and metaphorically there is essential for any friendship to really thrive.

“It’s buffering you against the stressors the world throws at you,” Dunbar says of the importance of having supportive friends. This coincides with a 2012 study in the journal Social Indicators Research, which found that having more contact with friends “significantly decreases stress, but only when friends are met face-to-face”.

For this reason, if you want to have a close friendship, you need to put the time in. “The time you invest in somebody directly affects the emotional quality of a friendship,” he says. “The frequency with which you must see them is very specific.”

You must see each of your close friends at least once a week. “If you drop below that consistently for any length of time, that friendship will inexorably quietly die in terms of its emotional quality, emotional closeness.”

…and the five you don’t

According to Dr Marisa G. Franco, psychologist:

Self-absorbed

A toxic friend is “only thinking about their needs and is not considering the other person”

No boundaries

If a friend calls you at all hours, that can be exhausting. “Unpredictability stresses us out more than someone who’s predictably bad”

Undermining

When your friend doesn’t want the best for you, it stems from their own insecurity and jealousy

Judgmental

If you feel like you’re being judged, interactions may feel tiring outgrown

If you are friends with someone simply because of your shared history, it could be time to walk away