Sex is always an orgy and 7 other myths about polyamory you should stop believing
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Polyamory — or the practice of having multiple romantic or sexual partners — has become a hot topic of discussion since the term was coined in the mid-1990s.
Research presented at the recent Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality annual conference found that 81% of people have fantasized about non-monogamy.
While more people are expressing interest in polyamory, there are still stigmas that linger around the unconventional romantic practice.
Here are 8 myths about polyamory, debunked by people who actually practice it.
As more celebrities openly talk about practicing polyamory, public curiosity around non-monogamy is growing.
Research presented at the recent Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality annual conference found that most people have fantasized about being in a non-monogamous relationship at least once.
Even so, misconceptions about the practice are rampant. For example, polyamory is still commonly mistaken for polygamy, or the religious (and arguably misogynistic) practice of men marrying multiple women.
Here are eight myths about polyamory, debunked by actual polyamorous people.
Myth: Every sexual experience is an orgy.
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While group sex can be a part of a polyamorous relationship, the idea that this happens every day or even every other day is wrong.
For polyamorous people like Hailey Gill, a social service assistant for the National Guard of Oklahoma, non-monogamy is more about connecting with other people emotionally and romantically than about sex in general.
Gill, 26, has practiced polyamory since high school and also identifies as fairly asexual, meaning they aren't typically interested in sex.
"I am more inclined to look for romantic partners than I am to look for sexual partners," Gill said. "[Polyamory] is a way to bond and share your love with more than one person and to show everyone a caring partner."
Myth: Being polyamorous makes you "slutty" and that is inherently bad.
The biggest myth Gill has heard about polyamory is that people who practice it are inherently more promiscuous, or "slutty," than monogamous people.
But sluttiness doesn't have to be a bad thing, according to Gill.
"I believe it is slutty, but not in a derogatory way. It allows me the ability to share my heart with many partners, and people I care for," Gill said.
Myth: There is no cheating in polyamorous relationships.
The openness of polyamory is sometimes confused with the ability for people to do whatever they want without being accountable to their partners — but this is not the case.
Polyamory can take many different forms, from triads, where three people all date each other and no one else, to entire webs of people dating each other openly and without rigid boundaries. This makes the definition of cheating different depending on the relationship, similarly to how the definition can vary in monogamous relationships.
Gill, who has a husband and another partner, said cheating could occur in their relationship if they started seeing someone else without telling their husband or boyfriend.
"Cheating is frowned upon in my relationships structure much like a monogamous relationship," Gill said. "We don't mind fooling around and loving others outside of the relationship as long as communication is maintained and due notice is given that we have an interest in someone new."
Myth: You love your partners less than you would in a monogamous relationship.
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Shay Thomas has been practicing polyamory since their freshmen year of high school and said one of the biggest myths they've heard about polyamory is that relationships aren't as loving or meaningful as they are for monogamous people.
"Polyamory doesn't mean that you love a partner less than someone in a monogamous relationship would," Thomas said. "It just means that you have love for other people as well."
Polyamory allows people to love on their own terms, in a way that makes sense for them, according to Charyn Pfeuffer, a sex positivity writer.
"Polyamory allows me to love on my terms — who I want, how I want, and for how long — with the consent of all involved," Pfeuffer told Glamour.
Myth: You can't really love more than one person.
The idea of finding your soulmate or "one true love" is a timeless trope. Popular representations of love point to a narrow view of what happily ever after can look like, and for the most part, it's monogamous.
According to Thomas, this is one of the reasons it can be hard to understand how polyamorous people love more than one person at a time.
"We are raised to think that one person can be every and all things for you and that you need to be everything for one person," Thomas said.
Gill said they wish that there were more representations of different forms of romantic structures so that more people understood how it was possible to be healthy, in love, and polyamorous.
"I want people like my lonely teenage self to understand that it's possible and perfectly reasonable to love more than one person, and still maintain a healthy relationship dynamic," Gill said.
Myth: Jealousy doesn't occur in polyamorous dating.
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As in monogamous relationships, jealousy can be a problem for polyamorous people. While polyamory is about giving your partner the freedom to have other sexual or romantic partners, natural human emotions like insecurity can still get in the way.
"Humans are messy creatures. We have messy hearts that feel things strongly. That doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong or that you're bad at poly, it just means that you're having feelings," sex therapist Liz Powell told Glamour.
Partners can learn how to work through the jealousy with strong communication and emotional honesty, according to Powell.
Myth: Polyamorous relationships have more pressure because they juggle multiple people.
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While the idea of maintaining multiple romantic relationships can seem daunting to anyone's Google Calendar, Thomas said that dating multiple people can actually act as a way to relieve pressure from a romantic dynamic.
"Being poly means that if my partner doesn't want to go do something, I can go with someone else," Thomas said. "Or that if my partner is busy and I need support, someone else might be free. It lets me fulfill lots of different needs and wants."
Read more:
9 people in open marriages reveal what their relationships are actually like
7 celebrity couples who have gotten real about open relationships
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