Sex, drugs, dead bodies, frisky fleas, poop — being a Realtor, showing houses, is not for the faint of heart.
It can be funny, scary, gross, weird and a combination of all that and more.
We asked Realtors in a Facebook group to tell us some of their horror stories. They're awful.
Like train wrecks, once you start looking, it's hard to turn away. So pour yourself a drink — Alka-Seltzer maybe — hold on, and read on.
First a word of prayer might be in order.
Keli Gillette, managing partner, Kevo Properties, recalled "the seller that texted me 2 days before closing to tell me that Jesus told her not to sell her house.
"I asked if he also told her she could face legal ramifications. She spent the next 48 hours text screaming at me. We closed."
Amen, and oh, my. Now, for some more shorts to whet your appetite for the bizarre, and we'll just get the sex out of the way right here.
Walking in on sexual acts during real estate showings
• "I had a showing and the seller was home for lunch having (sex). I let the buyers look and was on the phone when they came running down the hall in shock." — Joanna Haley, Keller Williams Realty Elite.
• "Walked in to college kids having sex. They 'forgot' about a showing. ... For sale by owner stuck around in his undies on the couch, watching TV. Told us 'just take your time. I’ll be right here if you have any questions!'" — Katelyn Morley, Heather & Co. Realty Group.
• "Bought a flip property site unseen, only to find they left their collection of (sex toys). ... Got a call from someone wanting to know if I knew anything about 'zoning laws for a naked' campground." — Matthew Hogan, Aria Real Estate Group, Norman.
"Texts from dude asking for feet photos. Lots of Realtors here could probably comment about the 'feet' guy." — Emily Frosaker-Kyle, Modern Abode Realty.
Ah, no. But speaking of "naked" (and nearly):
• "I was looking at some rental properties to sell for the owner. I knocked on the door and a man answered the door in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. He apologized and said he just got out of the shower. He asked me to come in while he got dressed. Well, I noticed he wasn't the least bit wet — even his hair was dry. My gut said, 'Do NOT step foot in that house!' As soon as he shut the door I got out of there as fast as I could." — Dris Littlepage, McGraw Realtors.
Sometimes, there is no towel.
Dustin Cantrell, an agent with Keller Williams Local in Stillwater, was showing an occupied rent house to a couple looking to buy it for their daughter to live in while going to college. They had made an appointment so there would be no surprises.
Somebody did not get the message.
"When we arrived, I knocked on the door, unlocked the door, and then announced our presence as I opened the door, but I wasn’t prepared for what we would see," Cantrell said. "As the door opened, we were met with the view of a fully naked man at the top of the stairs that had just gotten out of the shower and I do actually mean fully naked."
Cantrell was not amused.
"As I have a daughter myself that will be going into college in a few years, I am quite protective of the children of my clients — I don’t want them experiencing things I don’t want my own child experiencing. ... I felt awful that their daughter experienced that while under my watch. But. luckily, the parents had a great sense of humor and were not upset."
Semi-public sex? Random nakedness? Drugs and drinkin' can't be far behind.
Realtors describe drugs at showings
• "I had a buyer show up seemingly stoned to closing. He literally stumbled in. He had a gash on his forehead that desperately needed stitches. I put on my nurse hat and asked for a first-aid kit at the title company. We got him patched up and he closed." — Denise Schroder, Keller Williams Elite.
• "Showing a home, walked in and a man was sitting on the couch with a crack pipe lighting it up. Booze bottles all over the table. Waved us on in: 'Come on in! I won’t bother ya!'” — Stacy Curttright, Kelly Kingston Homes.
• "I had the drunk guy who fell out of a chair when we got there and followed us around the house. ... I've had a seller screaming over the cameras during a home inspection to the buyer to bring him a beer. ... I have so many bad stories." — Whitney McNair, eXp Realty.
Trying to buy a home? Watch out for these poop-filled houses as described by real estate agents
Poop? Did someone mention poop? Yes, poop. But let's ease into the idea with a funny story before the gross stuff.
Benjamin Floyd, owner of 525 Realty Group in Edmond, was showing a huge home 10 years or so back in Oak Tree, Edmond's original upscale neighborhood.
"My client, a new doctor, noticed something in the main bath and ask me what it was and how it worked. Well, it was a bidet," Floyd recalled. "I told him what it was for and proceeded to show home how it worked.
"When I turned that handle (just a little mind you), I was sprayed in the face with such force that I stepped back and the water hit the ceiling. Had you had your naughty bits any where near said fire hydrant, I am confident the water would have traveled through your mouth and taken paint off the wall in front of you."
LOL. Insert emoji here.
Now, for gross, OMG gross, from Ryan Hukill, an agent with ERA Courtyard OKC:
"My most recent crazy-train client was so offended that the buyers would ask for an allowance to replace the dog-odor carpet in one of the bedrooms that, after she granted that allowance, she said, 'So, since I'm buying them new carpet in there, we'll be using that bedroom as our toilet until closing.'
"Yep, that's for real. I should clarify ... she wasn’t talking about the dogs using it as a toilet. Literally her and her family. Nasty, nasty, hateful lady I should’ve never worked with."
Could it get any worse, poopwise? Denise Schroder had a story that competes:
"We had a divorce listing. It was a dirty and messy situation to say the least. The husband was not living there, just the wife. It was a smart house. The husband could control the thermostat from his phone. He had come by the house without her knowing and 'dropped something off.'
"He turned the thermostat up to 85 degrees when the wife wasn't home. A terrible smell permeated the whole house. After hours of trying to discover the heinous odor, she called me. She told me at first she thought something had died in the living room wall."
Turns out, the husband left poop in sacks in the floor vents. They could never get the smell completely out, the agent said.
"It cost them lowering the price of their home over $20,000 to get an offer. This smart house was a really dumb idea!"
Then there are the fleas, squatters and other critters.
These real estate agents found filthy homes when helping clients
First, fleas (and more!), from Beth Atkinson, owner of Metro Group Brokers:
"I've shown homes where we left we were itching because there were fleas, showed homes where there was no running water and they were still living in it and using buckets as bathrooms. I've shown homes where floors are rotted out.
"I've shown homes that had mazes in them with stacked newspapers because hoarders lived there before. I've shown homes that have smelled like a puppy mill inside."
Spidey nonsense, from Libbi Holbrook, Aria Real Estate Group, Norman:
"Buyer with arachnophobia wanted to look in EVERY CORNER of EVERY CLOSET for spider webs, then would Google said webs if found to identify spider type. I showed her over 50 homes (pre-COVID).
"Spoiler alert: They all had some sort of cobweb AND WHAT SHE BOUGHT HAD WEBS TOO). But she loved the house. Whyyyyyyy did we check all those webs?"
Squatters here, from Jennifer Green, 525 Realty Group:
"I tried to show a home in the Plaza District. Property was supposed to be vacant and front door open. We arrived and all the entrances were locked, front porch, backyard and home full of items.
"I spoke to the listing agent and evidently the property had/has been occupied by squatters for over a decade. Every time she and the owners would gain access, they’d get locked out again. We were beat out by another offer and never did get to see the inside!"
Squatters there, from Grady Carter, Keller Williams Mulinix, Norman:
"While sitting at the closing table with my sellers, my phone rang from the City Of Norman, and that could only mean a few things. I answered it to hear that there were several officers outside of the house wanting to go in. It was a policeman at the house saying that they had just chased off a squatter in the home that we were closing on.
"Clearly somebody had stayed in the house overnight and made a very small mess, smoked a few cigarettes, and bailed out as soon as they saw the police outside. The window was easy to fix, it could’ve been a lot worse!"
Squatter with a sinister twist, from Lara White, Modern Abode Realty:
"I (and another agent) showed a house with a bonafide murderer who was squatting in the house. We didn’t find that out till he was arrested for squatting."
Finally (really, FINALLY, from Sarah Casey, Coldwell Banker Mike Jones Co.:
"Did a final walk through and found the seller deceased. Gave a whole new meaning to 'final.' "
Senior business writer Richard Mize has covered housing, construction, commercial real estate, and related topics for the newspaper and Oklahoman.com since 1999. Contact him at email@example.com.
This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: OKC Realtor horror stories and real estate listings in Oklahoma